1. When you have too much going on:
I know you're sitting across from me right now, but I opted to text instead because I'm also composing a couple of REALLY, truly FIRE tweets and I can't just stop when the inspiration is striking me, you know? Anyway, I think right now, at this point in time, I need to focus on myself and my followers. My social media career is lit AF right now, and I'd be remiss not to follow my heart and ride this wave to becoming microfamesies and getting free yacht trips. But you're great and so cute, you'd just be so much greater and cuter if you had a couple thousand more followers on IG. Nothing personal. Here's a selfie to remember me by, and don't forget to subscribe to my new YouTube channel! XOXO
2. When they're trifling:
When you were flirting with that [guy/girl] at the bar last [night/week], it got me thinking…not about anything in particular, but just about my life and what I'm doing with it by wasting it on YOU. It's kind of like that time I got that sandwich at the deli, and I kept eating it even though it was actually DISGUSTING. Why was I eating it even? Just because I already put in all the work of standing in line and spending my money on it? Is that a legit reason to finish a trifling-ass sandwich? Or nah? NAH. Sandwich canceled. Relationship canceled. You = canceled. BAI.
3. When you're DONE:
I don't wanna have to tell you about yourself, so I won't. It's not even worth my energy to go off on you anymore. I'm actually dictating this text to my phone right now because that's how little effort I can put into you. You know what you did, so don't ask me why. Ask someone who cares enough to keep it 100 with you. Try your phone or your followers or the internet or something. I'm actually crine just thinking about you asking your followers why I'm dumping you, lol. Please tweet about it. And don't text me again. BUH-BLOCKED.
4. When you only stayed for the kids:
I really love your dog, but I realized that I just don't love…you. Give [insert dog name here] my love, and tell that little fluffmuffin that I will forever and ever cherish the beautiful thing we shared, as short-lived as it was. Tell her I really wanted to reenact that scene from Lady and the Tramp with her before I ended things with you, but I just couldn't stick it out. (Sry 'bout it.) Actually, can you just send me a video of yourself nudging a meatball towards her with your nose for me? That would be everything. <3.
Oh, and that heart's for her, not for you, lol. Don't get it twisted.
5. When you're tired of "making it work":
So heyyyy... I think we should break up. Yes, I am breaking up with you. I'm sorry. I know we've both been trying really hard, but I haven't been trying AS hard lately. Because I don't want to anymore. It's just so extra. You feel me? I'm sorry if you don't. But I also don't really care if you don't. So, sorry that I'm not sorry. Good luck with everything! Or whatever, because I don't really care anymore. That's why I'm texting you instead of talking to you as we're sitting across from each other, lol. Because I like 324% don't want to actually have to say this to your face. But I'll text it to you. It's 2016; don't be such a [grandpa/grandma]! Anyway, FREEDOM IS LIFE.
6. When you wanna keep it short and sweet: