You think Abba was bigger than Michael Jackson.You think Sweden is the world’s biggest music exporter.You think Max Martin wrote every Billboard No. 1 last year.Seriously, he did.You took paid parental leave, or you will one day.And it was/will be for at least a year.You may have another kid just so you can do it again.You complain about Sweden a lot.But when you’re abroad, you praise it to the skies.You don’t celebrate the National Day…And you would never wave a flag.But, deep down, you believe that everything good in the world is Swedish.And you love to name-drop every single Swedish band/product/company/invention.No matter how good you are at promoting Sweden, you suck at promoting yourself…Because that would be extremely arrogant.Each time Sweden scores highest on an international ranking list, it makes your day. (And it happens A LOT.)But only the good ones (like equality, sustainability, and wealth distribution).When you heard Sweden scored low in international education rankings, you couldn’t believe it.It makes no sense!You’re deeply depressed from November to March.The other months of the year, you're the happiest person on earth.You’re beautiful.Your kids are beautiful.Your grandparents are beautiful.Your dog is beautiful.Your summer house is beautiful.The chair you're sitting on right now is beautiful.The wall in front of you is beautiful.Everything in your life must be beautiful.You love the sun.Especially when you don’t see it for six months.You love Thailand.You think trips to Thailand should be a basic human right.You care a lot about your carbon footprint.Except when it comes to taking a plane to go to Thailand.You’re a feminist.You think all men should be feminists.The men you know (including yourself if you’re a guy) kinda look like girls.But beautiful girls.They wear really tight jeans.And pink shirts.People from abroad sometimes assume they’re gay.You’ve been backpacking in Asia.You found yourself.Then you went to surfing school in Australia.The government paid for it.You use the gender neutral word "hen."A lot.You think people who don’t are sexist.You think a lot of people are sexist.You love rules.You ALWAYS wait in line.You'd rather share a bed with an open can of surströmming than cut in line.You don’t talk to strangers.Unless they cut in line.And unless you’re drunk. You do talk to strangers when you’re drunk.At least, that’s what you’ve been told, you can’t really remember.You think Norwegians are lazy.And Danes are unreliable.And Finns are strange.You love America.You want to live in New York City.You travel a lot.You think drugs are Satan’s craft.You don’t believe in God.But you wouldn’t mind marrying in a church anyway.As long as no one talks about God.You love healthy food.You bring a lunchbox to work every day.You rarely eat out.Unless your grandparents are paying, you just graduated, or it's pizza.You created an iPhone app.It failed.You are working on a new one at the moment.You studied for two years before you decided what to study.You think Zlatan Ibrahimovic is the world's best football player.Ever.You don’t believe in monarchy.Unless we're talking about Victoria's cute kid.Your English is impeccable.But you sound German.You order free coffees for your friends.You meant to say "three."You love fika.You have it every day at free o'clock.You trust the government.You trust big corporations (if they’re Swedish).You have a gym membership.But you prefer to run outside.In big groups.Even when it snows.You have camped in the forest several times.You pick mushrooms in the forest.You pick blueberries in the forest.You fish in streams.Mostly on other people’s property.Every week you eat close to your weight in hushållsost, grevé, herrgårdsost, or whatever big cheese you can get your hands on.You cut cheese with a cheese slicer (osthyvel).You dislike people who cut cheese so it looks like a ski slope.You love salty licorice.And pickled herring.And Kalles Kaviar.You'd never be reckless enough to drink a glass of wine on a Tuesday.But you never drink less than two bottles of wine on a Friday — that'd be boring.You don’t remember what you did last Friday.The government subsidizes your birth control pills (or your girlfriend’s).You have to buy all your liquor from Systembolaget.You were out-of-this-world happy when Systembolaget decided to be open on Saturdays.Because you couldn’t shop there before you turned 20, you either had a fake ID, became best friends with local drunkards, told your parents you needed wine for cooking class, or had older siblings buy it for you.You make you own moonshine or have at least once considered doing so.You got drunk for the first time when you where 14.You drank folköl.You had 20 of them.Then you had your first snus.It made you dizzy.You puked.And you’ve been an addict ever since.The worst thing you can imagine is an awkward silence.The only thing that scares you more than that is confrontation.Therefore, you agree with most things people say.You dream about having a sauna in your one-bedroom apartment.You work hard.But you get home at 5 p.m. EVERY day. (That’s right after fika.)You take six weeks of vacation every year.But you still want to kill yourself in the winter.The only thing that keeps you from doing so is super-strong coffee and cinnamon buns.In others words you live for fika.You think this list is politically incorrect.You think this list is heteronormative.You strive to be politically correct.You fail.But you still criticize others who you think are politically incorrect.You hate war.But it’s OK if your daughter plays war because it’s good for gender equality.You are proud that Sweden hasn’t fought a war for the past 200 years.And you tend to forget that in the past, Swedes were extremely brutal (the Vikings, Karolinerna).You don’t want to waste tax money on defense.Until you see a Russian submarine outside your beautiful summer house.Oh, never mind, it was just a mink.Yes, you're still a bit afraid of the Russians.You speak Swedish.You are Swedish.
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