16 Things LGBT Parents Are Tired Of Hearing

If you see us at an end-of-school event, please don't ask us this stuff.

1. "Are you married?"

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Seems like an innocent question but you just opened up the Big Gay Can of Matrimonial Worms. Now you're going to have to listen as we tell you all of our anniversaries: when we had our "commitment ceremony," when we got married in Canada, when we got married in Massachusetts, when we got married in our home state once it was legal, and how we celebrated the Supreme Court ruling. Pull up a chair and settle in, it's going to take awhile.

2. "Where did you get your kids?"

Fox / Via simpsonsworld.com

Despite popular belief, children are not currently eligible for purchase through Amazon Prime and we do not get them from catalogues. We actually don't "get" them anywhere. We create our families in the myriad of ways straight couples do. Weird, I know.

3. "What do the kids call you?"

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Does it really matter? Mommy. Daddy. Chuck. Bilbo. Queen Elizabeth. Whatever. Mostly, they call us for rides.

4. "I love Ellen and Neil Patrick Harris!"

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Us too but you know there are other out celebrities, right? At least throw in Laverne Cox. We know y'all watch Orange Is The New Black.

5. "Do you know [insert LGBT person residing in the continental United States]?"

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Chances are that we do not. There is not currently a LGBT registry and, no — Grindr and Her don't count as such.

6. "My friend/brother/cousin/aunt/butcher is gay!"

ABC

We don't really know how to respond to that. Should we congratulate you? Should we start listing which of our family members are straight? (Spoiler Alert: most of them.) Can we make a joke about the gay butcher giving you choice meat?

7. "You should be able to use any bathroom you want!"

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Um, thanks? You too.

8. "I could totally be gay if not for [insert sexual act here]."

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Just no. You do not need to prove how much you love the LGBT community by trying to be a part of it, especially since sex is part of the deal. Now we're all going to feel awkward eating our cocktail wieners.

9. "So, this one time in college…"

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Have you forgotten that we just met? Obviously, you've wanted to tell someone about your visit to Homoland for a few years but we're just trying to grab some hummus. Let's save our experimentation stories for the party at Chuck E. Cheese. It's louder there and easier to block out the details.

10. "My son loves wearing dresses so I think he might be gay."

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While you are saying this, we are internally screaming "NOOOOOOOOO!" because we do not want to explain the difference between sexual preference and gender identity while trying to sip tepid Pinot Grigio and gracefully eat goat cheese. We just want to have a little fun while we have a babysitter.

11. "I envy you."

NBC

This is something straight women say to the Lady Loving Ladies because two women in a relationship must be ideal! We talk about our feelings constantly! We always put the other first! We share all household and parenting duties equally! Right. Hate to break it to you but my partner and I have been arguing about the dishes for 23 years.

12. "Did you see that recipe for the beautiful rainbow layer cake?"

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Though we like to think of ourselves as the mythical unicorns of humanity, the LGBT community is not genetically coded to notice every rainbow-themed thing out there and though we like to show off sometimes, we're like a lot of other parents – lazy. That means we are just as likely to have stopped at the store on the way to the shindig for a dozen cupcakes as the rest of you. Related: no, we didn't bring the quinoa.

13. "Great work on the school auction!"

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Compliments are nice! Just make sure that you're complimenting the right LGBT parent. We don't all look alike, though we do seem to confuse a lot of you.

14. Have you seen Carol? We loved that movie."

The Weinstein Company

Yes, we've seen it. Nearly every queer woman has seen it and most queer men. Why? Because it's the only recent studio movie with a gay storyline. Yes, Cate Blanchett was amazing. Yes, Rooney Mara was adorable. Yes, the custody fight was sad. And sure, that's what passes as a happy ending in a queer movie.

15. "I don't see why people need to come out. It doesn't matter anymore."

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I want to live in your perfect world! Are the clouds made of cotton candy there? Are the rivers made of chocolate? Because in my world, there is still bigotry and violence directed at LGBT people. I'd much prefer Candyland so hold my hand and give me a tour of the Candy Cane Forest!

16. "Whenever people meet me, they think I'm gay!"

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This is usually followed by a list of stereotypes so lengthy that we could play Stereotype Bingo and get a blackout. If you say this, we will be thinking one of two things: "Why don't they serve hard liquor at these events?" Or, "You do seem kinda gay. I give your marriage five years."

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Andrew Richard