If you've been to enough bars, chances are, you've maybe witnessed some wild things at least once. But if you've worked at a bar, you've definitely seen some pretty weird things go down.
And let me tell you... these answers will have you thoroughly entertained and grossed out (because you know you're gonna laugh even if it's messed up).
1. "A couple came in once, so I sat them down. Not ten minutes in, I pick up a call from a woman asking to speak to the guy. I let him know someone is on the phone and says it's urgent. He has a quick chat, seems okay, then hangs up the phone. Five minutes later, she calls again, I go over again, apologize and say they seem really concerned. Now he's clearly tense and making an effort not to raise his voice."
"After a few minutes, he hangs up and says, 'If she calls again, just tell her I'm not interested in speaking to her.' Of course, she calls again. I say what he asked to which she laughs in a clichè 'crazy ex' way and says, 'Well, tell him I hope he doesn't eat too much because when he finds the tires I slashed, he'll be walking home, wishing he'd spoken to me.' Then she hangs up.
I went over and asked the man what kind of car he had because there was someone double-parked outside. I figured it wasn't worth freaking him out if it was an idle threat. He described the car. I took a cig break and went to check. The tires were fine, but there was not a single-window that was not smashed or severely cracked, and there were a couple of rocks laying on the ground. Needless to say, they did not stay to finish their meal." —u/jnotkrowling
2. "A guy pissed himself sitting on a barstool and then wanted to fight me when I cut him off and wouldn’t serve him a new drink."
3. "A car plowed into the bar I was working in, coming all the way in, and flipping a pool table on its side. It pinned three off-duty Applebee’s waitresses against the bar. No one was hurt, and the woman who was driving tried to order a drink."
4. "I once witnessed a woman openly fondling herself (dress hiked up, underwear pulled aside) in the middle of a not super busy bar. It was very obvious she wanted people to see."
"The weird part was after a barback yelled at her and told her to stop or get out, a guy walked up to the barback and said, 'Don’t talk to my wife like that!'" —u/mistahfritz
5. "I used to have a regular who sold her time on Backpage. She loved our queso, so she always had guys bring her here. But she always ordered Jagermeister and Diet Coke — in the same glass. I once had to kick her out because she got so wasted she was giving a blowjob under one of our tables."
"When I could clearly see the dick in her mouth, she lies about what she's doing and says she is looking for something." —u/juggernautjefe81
6. "A pretty dodgy woman came into the slot machines room in our venue and demanded that we find an outlet for her to charge her phone. We did and left her to her devices. Later, our staff was waved down by a stressed patron who said that a woman was moaning in the room."
"I went in to find out she'd actually plugged in a vibrator and was going to town on herself in front of everyone." —u/s1a1ky
7. "A butt-ass naked kid, maybe five to six years old, came in. Reactions ranged from WTF to laughter to attempts to help. But the kid went straight to this lady, an every night regular, who turned out to be his mom. Apparently, he hid in her car, and she was too zonked on various substances to notice."
"The kid was naked because he had literally nothing to wear, I later learned, and their duplex apartment a few blocks away was a vermin-infested hellhole. Mom was a serious addict.
Her kid following her to the bar was the impetus that led to him being taken away and her getting sent to rehab. I learned all this after the fact. But the kid walking naked into the bar was definitely among the most unexpected things I’ve ever seen." —u/TheFinalBard
8. "I once served 'Catman' a bloody Mary. The dude had body modifications that were hard not to stare at. He was very friendly. He ordered a blue rare steak and returned it for being overcooked. I told him we can't legally feed him anything rawer than a blue rare steak. He hissed and ordered another drink."
9. "A heavyset man was drinking heavily and got very drunk at my bar. When he went to the restroom, his prime rib dinner had arrived. I think he shot-up some smack in the stall 'cause when he came back way drunker. He then cut a long big strip of prime rib — about the size of a thick hot dog — and, while glaring at me, threw his head back and proceeded to swallow it whole like a baby bird would a worm from its mother."
"It, of course, got stuck in his throat, choking him. He passed out and fell on the floor. The other staff and I cleaned out his air passage and gave him CPR. Ten minutes passed, and he was still unconscious when the paramedics arrived. He left with a heartbeat and unfortunately died later that night in the hospital." —u/Surealestateguy
10. "I have many stories of this 5'2" guy we only knew as 'Soulja Mon.' He came into our small music venue every Friday and Saturday like clockwork, tipped super well, and was usually nice to the staff. But the second he walked in, the clock started until we'd kick him out. He'd always stand as close to the lead singer as possible (without being on the stage) and continually gyrate his hips directly at them during THE ENTIRE SET. The stamina alone was impressive but definitely awkward when there were only six people in the venue."
"He was always fairly harmless and — depending on the right crowd — hilarious to watch so we never banned him. But more often than not, he would piss off someone — usually the band — and we would have to remove him.
He would constantly yell at the band the entire time, usually compliments, sometimes complete gibberish guttural sounds. One of the times I personally kicked him out, he flipped me off with both hands, put them up to his sides, and Zoidberg-style sideways scooted to the door, still with both middle fingers up. As the bar went silent, he yelled straight at me, 'HEY! You’re a dick... BUT I LOVE YOU!' He then left." —u/dunkan799
11. "I once served a woman and her man friend, who kinda smelt like pee. They were at a booth in the afternoon, and she was taking 'blowjob' shots. They're topped with whipped cream, and you’re not supposed to use your hands to drink them. Each time I brought her one, she lifted her breasts, one by one, and placed them on the table so that she could lean over them to reach the shot glass with her mouth."
"By shot number three or four, she had whipped cream in her whiskers and her man friend was leaning across the table to stroke her face and say, 'I fuckin' loooove you.'
Honestly, I actually think the moral of that story is that there’s someone for everyone, and that’s kinda sweet?" —u/marslasings
12. "One night, two French women in their mid-to-late twenties were chatting with the staff. A large, sweaty guy makes his way to the bar and orders a drink while standing between them. He overhears their accent and asks, 'Are you two French?' The ladies reply politely and continue talking between them. He pulls down his pants all the way to his ankles and says, 'In that case, welcome to Scotland, baby,' while making solid eye contact with me for approval."
"One of the girls grabs the guy's dick and balls and starts pulling him out of the pub like he’s a disobedient dog. The pure look of regret and embarrassment on the guy's face was priceless. She was really pulling with all her force, and the guy was just trying to stay in one piece.
The other girl finished her drinks, tipped us all very well, thanked us for a great night, and swiftly left. As she opened the door, I heard a faint yell of 'But it was funny, right?'" —u/RoryC1999
13. "Around midnight on a Tuesday, a group of six gentlemen came to my bar, intoxicated but overall pretty friendly. One guy asks for the most expensive tequila shot we have — Clase Azul Anejo at $150 a shot. I grab the bottle and perform my presentation. He then grabs the snifter and says, 'Okay, boys, circle up!'"
"Without missing a beat, as if it were choreographed, the six guys get in a circle and start flapping their arms (positioned like chicken wings from the chicken dance), crouch down, and start chirping like baby birds. Guy 1 then takes the shot and spits it into Guy 2’s mouth. Guy 2 into Guy 3’s mouth, and so on until it reaches Guy 6 who receives and swallows the now certainly warm and slimy shot like a fucking champ.
I found out afterward they were all on shrooms. But it was the coolest shit I’ve ever seen. I would have comp’ed the shot if I had the power. Hope those boys are doing well." —u/ps6419
14. "Honestly, it was the fight I witnessed between someone dressed as SpongeBob and someone as an Oompa Loompa."
"No one was seriously hurt." —u/akexn20x
15. "Some dude attending a work function lit his own face on fire with a flaming shot. He lit it, then shot it, but poured a bunch of it on his face at the same time. But he didn't want to go to the hospital, he wanted to keep partying. So I got him some burn cream from the kitchen."
"Every time he came back to the bar after that, the blisters forming on his face were bigger, juicier, and nastier." —u/Rosserman
16. "I was bartending in VIP at a strip club, and a guy refused to pay the girls for the hours. The VIP host, who was also a former fighter, asked the guy to pay. The guy gets belligerent, calls him a slur, and spits in his face. Host hits him once, K.O."
"The guy comes to, stands up, and spits blood at everyone. He gets escorted out. Dancers brought the teeth they found to me at the bar... not sure what I was supposed to do with them." —u/melpomene_25
17. "I caught a guy jerking off in the dart room one slow night. At first, I assumed he was making a gesture at someone, like a joke or something, so I ignored it. I walked by again, and he's still doing it, hog out, totally hard, jerking off while staring at the two couples of kids finishing their dart game."
"'WHAT THE FUCK DUDE!?' was all I could think to say, and he tried to hide his dick before saying, 'I'm on a bunch of molly. I'm sorry, I'm waiting for my girlfriend.' I just threw my hands up and said, 'You have five seconds to get the fuck out of this bar.' I don't wanna bounce a dude with a boner. He ran away.
I tell the story to everyone, and, after describing his appearance, multiple people confirmed that he has done this at other places AND GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT! Years later, I'm working at a different bar, and there he is with a boner again. I screamed across the bar, 'GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, JERK OFF GUY,' and he ran out. Bar patrons, if someone is making you uncomfortable or jerking off in the bar, please alert the staff." —u/Skarpator
What's the weirdest thing you've seen at a bar? Share in the comments below!
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.