We all know how it goes: When it comes to your own relationship, it can be tough to immediately recognize red flags for what they are. But for experienced couples therapists who've seen the workings and outcomes of countless relationships, those red flags are a lot clearer and more glaring.
Over the years, we've collected instant red flags and common marriage mistakes from couples therapists (from those on Reddit and on BuzzFeed) offering their free insight. So, we've decided to compile all 77 of them here in a bible of sorts in case you're questioning a relationship in your own life or proactively thinking about how to approach one in the future:
1. "I have provided couples counseling at different points in my career. One of the common mistakes I often see is a lack of communication and comfort with discussing difficult topics. When one partner is uncomfortable with discussing a topic, both partners are left feeling frustrated or dissatisfied."
2. "Expecting that because your significant other knows you better than others and is around you most, they are aware of all of your thoughts and feelings. Your partner is not psychic. No matter how often they're around you or how well they know you, they cannot pick up on every nuance to determine how you're feeling and how they should respond. That is called emotional babysitting, and it cascades into a host of problems and unnecessary hurt."
3. "Blaming their partner for all issues in the relationship and not taking ownership of their own role in dysfunction and/or issues. Every relationship is a partnership. Very rarely have I seen these types of issues in relationships be solely the fault of one person. Mistakes occur regardless of gender identity, gender expression, sexual orientation, etc. These issues are usually dynamic and complicated in nature. They're generally the result of cognitive, emotional, behavioral, and interpersonal patterns of each partner interacting with each other."
4. "Never lash out at the other with past misbehaviors when trying to resolve a current issue. There is limitless crap we can pull out of our histories together to highlight past wrongs, but that just derails what could be a quick resolution."
5. "When one spouse has a close relationship with a member of the opposite gender who doesn't like the other spouse — the ol' 'they're just a friend.' If it doesn't lead to cheating, it will still usually cause unneeded strain that breaks apart the relationship."
6. "Sexual incompatibility. For instance, misunderstanding sex as a bonding activity, or when one believes sex is something one does to another as if it were just a utility."
7. "People change. You will change. They will change. It is not impossible to have the same relationship in two years that you did at the start. Don't try to hold on to it. The only way my partner, who is an MFT, and I have stayed together for 10 years is because we were able to adapt to each other. That being said, don't try to force a relationship that's inherently dysfunctional. It's not a mark of failure for a relationship to end. Change seems scary, but the truth is you've already changed."
8. "One of the most toxic things I've found in marriage counseling is when couples think of themselves as individuals who happen to be together rather than as a couple (not that I’m advocating enmeshment). That's not really marriage. That's having a roommate or perhaps even less than that. Marriage is a union of two people. That's what the unity candle and sand and knots are all about. There is a bringing together of two lives that are inseparable. If either member still conceptualizes themself as a solely autonomous individual whose actions and dispositions impact only themselves, things will eventually go bad. It results in a person caring more for themselves than their spouse. This is seen when couples spend money behind each other's backs because 'it's my money, why does it matter?' When couples keep secrets from each other, it inevitably results in pain."
"This is also seen when couples don't stop to consider their spouse’s thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, abilities, and strengths alongside their weaknesses.
The remedy to this is behaving as a unit in small ways and in large. If you’re getting something from the fridge, see if your spouse wants something. It even helps in arguments: No longer is it spouse against spouse, but it’s the married couple against the issue causing stress to the unit.
When one person considers a course of action, their thoughts ought to be about how it impacts the unit."
9. "I work a lot with couples and their relationships, and I do some forms of counseling. One of the common threads I see running in the midst of relationships that fall apart is a kind of selfishness: People who don't quite realize that marriage works best when you are both acting in the other's best interest and seeking their happiness more than your own. It crops up a lot — but not exclusively — in sex and intimacy. If your primary concern in sex is yourself, you are not going to build any kind of bond or intimate connection. It's also not going to be much fun for your partner. Marriage is a lot about sacrifice, and the couples I see thriving are the ones who are each willing to make sacrifices for the other and for their family."
"Couples who get married thinking that the coming decades of marriage are going to be exactly like the dating or the honeymoon phase have a real hard time dealing with major challenges or speed bumps they face in their life together. 'But I thought I was supposed to be happy.'"
10. "Unspoken family rules that you bring into the relationship are huge. Obviously, you didn't grow up together. Depending on how you did grow up, you may have even had completely different family of origin (FOO) experiences. It can be simple: For example, if your FOO separates laundry by color while your partner's FOO just throws everything together, you'll have different rules regarding laundry. It can also be complex: Maybe your FOO believes 'family problems stay in the family,' and your partner's FOO talks freely to people outside the family about problems. Everybody has these rules. Talking about them and uncovering them (without judgment) will go a long way in maintaining and deepening your connection. If you don't talk about them, it's easy to get into negative interactional patterns that are just rehearsals of how your FOO did things rather than creating healthy, mutually safe patterns."
"I also recommend that everyone in a relationship take an attachment style quiz and compare their attachment style (secure, anxious, or avoidant) because that reveals a lot of unspoken rules as well."
11. "If one person is saying they want to stop triggering the other person's aggressive behavior, that's a red flag. I work with lots of couples where one person is aggressive and wants to take responsibility and change. However, if the person who is being targeted is taking responsibility for the aggression, and the aggressive partner isn't taking responsibility, I will work with the targeted partner on leaving or setting limits. I won't help them be a more patient target."
12. "One of the bigger factors in a successful marriage is couples responding to 'repair attempts' during arguments or conflict. Repair attempts are often little jokes or olive branches to help overcome issues and arguments. For example, my wife didn’t buy movie tickets in advance for date night, and they were sold out. It sucked! She laughed and sheepishly said, 'Well, at least we get to spend more time together staring longingly into each other's eyes!' That was her repair attempt. It works two ways, though. I also have to respond positively to it..."
13. "Boundary violations. Testing boundaries a little bit is okay, but repeatedly violating boundaries is a big red flag. Folks, knowing your boundaries, how to set them, and how to maintain them are so very important to your own personal well-being. Beyond that, learn how to respect other people's boundaries. Boundaries don't have to be permanent. They can change, but they can change because someone has earned it or lost it."
"For example, maintain your routine. If you go to bed at 9 p.m. and wake up to work out at 5 a.m., maintain that. A decent person will respect that, but a non-decent person will try to bulldoze through it. It might look like, 'Stay up talking with me, I'm lonely,' or, 'It's romantic to talk all night.' If you aren't a teen, it isn't cute. It actually makes you too tired to be present and critically reflective of the relationship.
If they are teasing and making fun of your routine, you probably don't have the same values. It isn't about who is right or wrong, you probably aren't on the same page.
Other good ones to pay attention to are 'cute things' that violate a boundary: 'Hey, I have my kids this weekend, so no in-person time. I will only spend time on my phone after the kids go to bed at 8 p.m.' Then, guess what, the person 'cutely' surprises you with a coffee. I'd give this a one-time pass ('Thanks for the coffee. Sorry, I can't have you in, I'm not ready for you to meet the kids.'), and their response to being called out will tell you so much."
14. "Triangulation of the kids. Oftentimes, kids will show symptoms because they're subconsciously trying to even out the imbalance between the parents. I'll see a family for therapy and immediately recognize the issue is not so much with the kids but the way the parents communicate. Helping them structure themselves and get their power back by getting them on the same page often helps the kids adjust and cope. Imagine getting inconsistent consequences from your parents all the time — you don't know when you'll get in trouble and when you won't. You'd get hyper-vigilant, or perhaps, you'd just give up and start doing things your way. Either way, you're trying to understand a situation that you can't control, so of course, you're going to start acting weird or misbehaving."
"Now, imagine if your parents set consistent rules for you and gave you the choice to behave or misbehave and receive a predictable, reasonable consequence. You're going to know where you stand and be less anxious because you feel in control."
15. "Refusing to make a decision about whether you want to be in the relationship or not. For instance, I was doing sessions twice a week with one couple, and we had gotten absolutely nowhere in six months. Every couple of sessions, we would come back around to the question of whether the wife wanted to be in the marriage or not, and she never had an answer. Therapy ended up stuck in the same limbo as their marriage."
16. "Any kind of display of humiliating the other is never a good sign. That might be an obvious statement, but I mean it in a more subtle sense. If these behaviors are displayed in sessions, it paints a good picture of how they really are at home. For example, a client would always make comments about his wife and her makeup being messed up or her mispronouncing a word. Instead of politely telling her that her mascara was messed up or letting the mispronunciation go, he would make a point to laugh and correct her in a demeaning way. Even though he was smiling and it came across as harmless, his need to point out her flaws in front of others was an act of humiliation and control."
17. "Not expressing gratitude toward your partner on a regular basis. Experiences and expressions of gratitude can have a really positive effect on psychological well-being, as well as relational strength."
18. "Therapist here, I have served couples. The number one problem I see is overactive threat responses that create anger and rigidity. People don't stop to turn down their defense mode and lose sight of the love because all of their energy is going toward being right or controlling the outcome. Of course, that control comes from a place of fear, but because fear and vulnerability feel too dangerous, they typically get expressed as anger, frustration, or rigidity. Surrender to not having control, accept what's in front of you, and cultivate compassion."
"Please. Y’all rigid couples who just can't prioritize empathizing with each other over your fear response are driving me nuts! :)"
19. "When one party, after numerous sessions, is still hyper-focused on content rather than process — who did what, when, and to whom, or who said what and how they said it, etc. In my experience, this has almost always foreshadowed more serious control issues that come out later on. We, as therapists, have to remain reasonably unbiased as to what a couple should do — break up or stay together — but I have certainly given one partner a look that indicates that I empathize deeply with their frustration or a look of deep concern for their well-being."
20. "The main one would be expecting one person to be everything for them. You need friends, coworkers, a support system, and hobbies."
"Some others include keeping secrets or lies, and a failure to communicate effectively, though communication can be taught."
21. "Attributing problems to the partner's character flaws or personality (like saying something's because 'they're lazy') rather than a certain behavior is a red flag. Another red flag is malicious attributions (thinking one partner did something on purpose to hurt the other)."
22. "Don't go to couples counseling if your partner is abusive. It doesn't work. It won't work. You will give the other person the tools and language to make you feel even worse, and there will be heavy retaliations at home if you reveal the truth. Go by yourself if you know or suspect abusive markers in your relationship."
23. "Withholding affection in order to get their partner to 'see how it feels' when their feelings get hurt."
"I take a very direct approach in therapy, so yes, I do try and get them to work it out by calling it as I see it."
24. "When a partner responds to every criticism with, 'I do it because I love you!' Examples: 'I micromanage how you do household chores because I love you and want you to know how to do it right.' 'I mock and belittle you because I love you and want you to see how silly you're being.' 'I'm overbearing and don't let you do things for yourself because I love you and don't trust you to do it right.' 'I cross every boundary you set because I will do literally anything for the people I love.' More often than not, 'I'll do anything for love' isn't a badge of honor, proof, or dedication. It's a lack of healthy boundaries."
25. "When one half says, 'I am not happy about x,' do not respond with, 'Okay, but I am unhappy with y.' Fix x, get settled, and then bring up y if you still need to."
26. "Separating without a plan. All that's going to do is teach you how to live without each other. I'd ask them, 'Okay, how do you know when the separation works?' Typically, I'd hear, 'I don't know — when I start missing them, I guess.'"
27. "When one person is entirely dependent on the other, especially at a relatively young age — I mean financially and emotionally. These are typically young women (sometimes young men, as well) who do not work, do not have children, stay home all day, and have no friends or hobbies outside of hanging out with their spouse."
"It's very unhealthy and a huge red flag. It also always ends in a painful and messy breakup. Generally, we try to get them to find a friend, join a community, get a job, or volunteer — something to provide them with self-worth and personal fulfillment outside of their spouse."
28. "One of the big red flags I look for is meta-conversation. Here's an example for the sake of discussion: Partner A is mad that Partner B doesn't help out at home more. There are always two levels of communication: One is the direct message intended ('Please clean up the dishes'), and the second is communication about the communication ('I expect you to do what I ask'). When communication about the communication turns meta, the message gets muddled, and a power struggle erupts from misunderstandings. Tone, body language, and the way one responds to the request all become the focal point. It's a sign that the couple needs to build up their foundation."
"If the arguments don't fall into meta arguments, then that's a sign the couple has a strong foundation, and the work is usually about exploring expectations of the relationship or readjusting roles. Two different approaches, the same base issue at hand."
29. "In 30-minute interviews, psychologist John Gottman was able to accurately predict which couples would divorce based on their interactions with each other, particularly when those interactions included the Four Horsemen: 1) Criticism, 2) Contempt, 3) Defensiveness, and 4) Stonewalling. My personal understanding of the issue is that problems arise from a lack of humility and the challenge of getting out of deeply engrained patterns or cycles of conflict. Overcoming this generally requires both partners to accept fault and extend grace."
"Research from the Gottman Institute has expanded on this to provide a pretty comprehensive list of factors that lead to couple conflict and divorce. Gottman also addresses solutions to these issues, which primarily exist within his form of couples therapy.
Take this all with a grain of salt. This is one perspective on relationships, but it tends to be a pretty robust and well-researched one. It also happens to be the one I'm the most familiar with."
30. "As soon as a couple stops being on the same team and fighting all the bullshit of life together, things fall apart. Get on the same team. Get behind each other's goals. If you're not on the same team, you're just going to wind up annoying the fuck out of each other. All that bullshit of life is going to be beating you down, and your life partner is just going to be part of it instead of your refuge."
31. "Not giving intimacy in their relationship enough attention. This includes but is not limited to sex. Many relationships start with the 'hot and heavy' phase where intimacy can come naturally. As this phase diminishes, many couples do not spend the time and energy to consider how to maintain a healthy level of intimacy now that it doesn't just come naturally."
32. "Keeping score. A partnership is a team — not a competition. Whether a person keeps a score of everything they have done or everything their partner has done, it is a death knell for the relationship. This is one of the most common causes of resentment, and you see it often when people use absolute terms to describe themselves or their partners (as in, 'I always...' or, 'She never...')."
"Remembering that each person has their own needs, abilities, skills, and boundaries is essential to a healthy couple."
33. "Not listening. Most people listen to respond and don't listen to hear. This is what I spend the most time teaching couples how to do!"
34. "Micro-controlling behaviors in a session are red flags — for example, one partner is constantly interrupting or correcting the other partner (e.g. 'You're wrong, what happened really was...')."
35. "People don't learn to fight. You have to fight fair in a relationship. People go nuts when they get mad, and some couples never learn to fight in a way that honors the person they are fighting with. It is so important to learn to respect space, not assume motives, and take turns in explaining your views."
36. "They confuse love with the chemical high you get early on in the relationship. That cannot last for reasons built into our biology. A successful relationship builds on that feeling so that it is built on mutual respect and a mutual decision to make it work each day."
37. "Years ago, when I was starting out, I had a female client come in and report anxiety and depression because her ex-husband was bothering her. I thought that was completely average and normal, so I asked her about it. She recounted many times wherein she and the ex clashed, so I said, 'You know, you don't have to interact with him. Maybe just distancing yourself is the way to go.' She then told me that they still lived together and had no plans of moving. The red flag indicated that I was dealing with two crazy people."
38. "As long as there is no abuse and all parties still have feelings of love for the other, just about any relationship can be salvageable by re-establishing — or, in some cases, establishing for the first time — healthy communication patterns. Of course, all parties have to want to put in the work as well. However, I want to clarify that not wanting to 'put in the work' does not automatically make someone the villain. It is very possible to decide, from a place of compassion and love, that you and your partner(s) simply are in separate places in life, have opposing values, or perhaps are incompatible."
"It can be the case that deciding to let go is an act of compassion. My intent is only to say that when both parties are committed to fixing a nontoxic relationship, I've seen a lot of seemingly unreconcilable issues be settled!"
39. "My favorite exercise is to have couples listen to 45–60 seconds of instrumental music they don't usually listen to. (Think Loreena McKennitt's "Greensleeves.") I then ask Person A to tell Person B what they imagined while they were listening, and Person B shares the same. We then listen to it again, but I ask Person A to try and see what Person B imagined while paying attention to what they thought or felt when they do (and vice versa). Interesting dynamics come up immediately. However, if Person A has trouble expressing what they visualized, but Person B has zero trouble, that's a big red flag because, usually, Person A will then report they can 100% see what Person B visualized and become very critical or heavily indulgent of Person B's experience."
"For instance, Person B will then say something like, 'Oh, yeah, I saw it.' But when I ask, 'What did you think while visualizing it?' they'll just respond with, 'I was doing the exercise correctly.' If this is the result, I immediately screen for symbiotic relationships, codependency, narcissism, and abuse."
40. "Abusive partners tend to follow a cycle that includes being a wonderful partner (at times), being rude or mean (or an asshat), having big outbursts, and making promises that aren't kept to behave in a more pro-social manner."
41. "I'd say this: If you fight over small things like where to eat dinner, then chances are, you'll really crash and burn when it comes to, say, buying a house, giving career support, and raising children. Also, if you can't be 100% free to speak your mind about what you think or feel, GTFO. Relationships are partnerships. If you're not supporting each other equally, then you're really just asking for pain and disappointment."
42. "Someone with chronic or severe substance abuse, someone who is unwilling to disclose their use habits, and/or someone who consistently uses more than they claim or intend to can be a red flag. This doesn't mean that anyone with a substance use disorder isn't a good person, but any of those indicators may signal a potential for distress and drama that most people don't want in their lives."
43. "If someone discourages you from spending time with friends, family, or other loved ones, or if someone rewards you for not seeing or talking to loved ones, that's a red flag. Isolation is a common tactic of abusive individuals. More generally, be aware of anyone who tries to control where you go, who you see, or what you do. A relationship that is built on trust and mutual respect won't include restricting one another."
44. "A big red flag is how they cycle through arguments. If they always build tension, have a big explosion, and then a honeymoon phase — that's a hard cycle to break out of and sometimes results in physical violence."
45. "Being unable or unwilling to compromise or concede points for the betterment of the relationship. For example, at some point in a long-standing argument in which neither party is willing to concede, a compromise is needed. When the same person in the relationship is always hellbent on being right all the time, that's a red flag. Most couples understand the importance of compromise. So, if there is a partner who only thinks about themselves and how important it is for them to be right, that's a major issue. That either means that the person isn't thinking about how this is also an important point for their partner or, even worse, doesn't care."
46. "As a clinical psychologist, I focused mainly on behavioral medicine and cognitive assessment, but I've done my fair share of couples work. Refusal or inability to compromise is a ginormous red flag — one that, I believe, is empirically validated. Compromise is a significant predictor of satisfaction in relationships, and it plays an important role in the long-term success of marriages and relationships in general."
47. "I'm a therapist who's newer to couples counseling, but one of the red flags I've seen is when one person digs their heels in and doesn't accept any feedback or suggestions. Meanwhile, they'll tell me and their partner that they're 'trying.'"
"In one case, I called the person out on it and said that they needed to evaluate what they're willing to do and not do. Needless to say, I didn't hear back from them."
48. "As a therapist, it's not my place to try to get them to reunify. That takes their power and gives it to me. Instead, I teach them the skills to make their own informed decision. That being said, whenever one-half of the couple comes in and says they're there because their spouse made them come, it's pretty rare that they decide to stay together."
49. "A family that presents everything as alright is a red flag. Almost everything is certainly not alright even in the most functional relationships. In fact, it's one of the most commonly misheld beliefs that there exist perfect relationships."
"I do try to get them to work it out, but that's all dependent on what they think, feel, and want to happen. Sometimes, it's just helping them realize what they want."
50. "If either partner rolls their eyes when the other is talking or sharing. It's quick to notice and shows a lack of respect for the other partner's feelings. It's one of the easiest and most reliable ways to see a relationship won't last. Of course, it is a sign of an unhealthy underlying dynamic — eye-rolling in itself is not dangerous."
51. "Sexual boundaries. One litmus test: Does this person ascribe to the following definition of sexual consent? An ongoing, affirmative agreement between two or more people who are sober, cognitively, and legally able to provide consent, and under no duress, explicit or implicit. That agreement is to engage in specific actions and is specific to that time and place. If someone wants to do something different or additional, it requires obtaining consent for the change or addition."
"Explicit duress is something like, 'Do this, or I'll kill you,' whereas implicit duress is something like, 'If you don't do what I want, you'll get a bad grade/job review/kicked out of your residence, etc.')."
52. "I've had a few clients who've had kids because it would 'bring them together.' That's definitely a red flag. As far as getting them to work it out, it's complicated. I want what is healthy for my clients, but they have their own autonomy and are (obviously) free to do as they please."
"My personal feelings on the matter shouldn't be a factor when working with a couple, which can make staying objective hard. Sometimes, it's difficult to follow that."
53. "If a client is in one-on-one therapy and starts doing or feeling better, there is a strong likelihood that their partner will not appreciate the changes and try to get them to either stop therapy or abuse and neg them to maintain the previous (unhealthy) status quo. If the partner who's not in therapy isn't willing to accept changes for the better, this is a big red flag. It means the relationship was based on an unhealthy foundation and likely won't work out."
54. "One partner says they're seeking your services to help them determine if they want to stay together; the other partner says they're seeking your services to make it so they stay together. Then it's about highlighting the points and allowing the person who is on the fence to decide what they want since the other person knows."
55. "Respect. Respecting space, boundaries, feelings, interests, and relationships is all so important. A lack of respect from either person is going to mean big problems. While I would definitely try to help them work through it, it's hard to point out to someone that something they are doing is hurting the other."
56. "Control to an excessive amount. I most commonly see partners having to send pictures holding up a certain number of fingers or proving that it's a live picture. This is abuse."
57. "Couples in a tit-for-tat arrangement. It erodes trust and compounds the hurt. For example, 'I cheated, so you can have one night to cheat with whomever,' or, 'I violated your trust and did drugs, so you can go out and do whatever for one night.'"
58. "Overbearing parents and in-laws. This includes a spouse who is more allied with their parents and calls them on speakerphone for fights, as well as a spouse who often speaks ill of their partner to their parents. I usually see these couples stay very unhappily married for years. It's sad."
"I understand there's a ton of cultural nuance here, and I work with couples who have arranged marriages, as well as the South Asian community."
59. "When I see a couple in which one or both members are seeking to change something fundamental about the other person. We process where the need for the change comes from, and the person with the issue evaluates whether it's a dealbreaker for them or not. We work on acceptance and tolerance of others."
60. "'We're staying together for the kids.' It leads to an unhealthy mindset where the couple sees the children as a burden and believes that, by remaining in an unhealthy relationship, the kids will somehow turn out alright. Kids are smarter than you think. If Mom and Dad don't love each other, they'll pick up on it. If the kids are really the priority, either learn to fix the relationship or end it."
61. "An affair that won't end. I've never seen a relationship bounce back when spouse is still in contact with their affair partner or is lying about it."
62. "I saw a couple that was doing 'retaliatory' cheating (and telling each other about it). When they got through their anger, they decided to call a truce and made peace."
"With their level of emotional maturity, I doubt it lasted. I don't know if I helped them or prolonged their suffering. It was their decision to come to counseling, so I think it was the help they wanted."
63. "When a partner raises an objection to meeting with me individually. During the first session, I share that during the assessment, I like to meet with them both together and once each individually. Occasionally, I'll have partners who suddenly become very critical or suspicious — asking why I'd do that, wondering if it's ethical, and giving the classic, 'I've never heard of a marriage counselor doing that before?!' This goes beyond curiosity or simply inquiring about the practice. There's usually an incredulous and almost panicked tone to it. Sure enough, that partner turns out to be some variation of controlling, manipulative, and abusive every single time."
64. "People who approach therapy with the idea that they must convince the therapist that they’re right and their partner is wrong. It's almost like they’re complaining to a parent or boss to have them sort out the problems."
65. "One of the biggest red flags I see is when they've totally forgotten the good. Part of relationship therapy is reconnecting a couple with what they like about each other, what initially attracted them to each other, and what the positives are between them. When they've been unhappy for so long that they can't remember what it was like to be in love (or even like each other), they're just about hopeless."
"You don't have to be happy for therapy to work. But if you can't even reminisce about the good times, then the good times are probably over."
66. "Contempt. When I experience true contempt from one in the relationship, I know it is usually over."
"Look toward a peaceful ending at that point if possible."
67. "It's very easy to work out when one person knowingly prioritizes their own wants and needs over their partner's. Relationships like this are often doomed because the person simply doesn't care enough to make any meaningful change."
68. "Constant, needless escalation. When 'I don't think we need this expensive thing' is escalated to 'You don't really love me,' that's a major problem. This is mostly because the one escalating is avoiding accountability and is almost guaranteed to play this card in relation to the therapy itself ('I had to drag them here,' or, 'They're just trying to break up with me'). They're avoiding the conversation about the issue by blowing it up into a bigger problem than it is. This way, they make the other person respond to their feelings rather than deal with their concerns."
69. "I’ll just say that if you find yourself screaming, 'I’m not fucking yelling at you,' you might have a communication problem."
70. "Spouses who don't sleep together without a justifiable reason — as in not due to work conflicts or medical reasons but just because one spouse doesn't feel like going to bed alongside the other. A lack of intimacy, both sexual and non-sexual, will lead to the two drifting apart."
71. "Invalidation. This comes in many forms, from gaslighting to just simply denying the other's opinion. Most of the time, one or both parties are simply trying to be heard on an emotional level, but the other party takes it as a personal attack on their ideals. We've all heard of or know people who will literally disagree with anything you say simply because you said it. That's the invalidation I'm referring to. People rarely have the exact same stance in a conflict, but (in healthy relationships) they usually have very similar core values. While two parents may disagree on how to parent a child (authoritarian vs. authoritative), the core value of caring about their children and wanting them to succeed is often the same. By determining they are within the same realm of issue, two parents with different ideals can see themselves as allies in a conflict rather than enemies."
72. "High-conflict relationships. If frequent, bitter conflict begins within the first few months of the relationship and continues, then relationship therapy is going to be a shitshow. It won't be helpful. The conflict will either continue indefinitely or come to an end."
73. "In the first few sessions, an unofficial litmus test is asking how the couple met. If there is absolutely no positive effect from either person — they don't crack a smile or give me a single sentence answer ('We met at a party.') — that's usually a signal that they've been unhappy for so long, or that the conflict is so overwhelming they can't access those good, warm, and fuzzy feelings from the beginning."
74. "In my experience, strong and healthy relationships are built on two very important qualities: trust and respect. Love is not included in these qualities because love is not a determiner of a strong or healthy relationship. Dysfunctional relationships are still possible among people who love each other. Similarly, love isn't the only reason to stay with a person. Many of the clients in dysfunctional relationships that I've worked with in the past have stayed solely because of love, but they continue to struggle in those relationships because they lack trust and respect."
"Without respect and trust, most relationships are doomed to struggle or fail. For the couples that I've worked with, I always assess whether or not trust and respect are present. I then build treatment goals around seeing if it's possible to develop those qualities. If they are not willing or able to, then those relationships are most likely to end."
75. "What-about-ism. Instead of taking ownership and responsibility for their contribution to the degradation of the relationship, one or both parties point out an example of the other exhibiting similar behavior. It's a red flag because it illustrates their lack of self-awareness and poor communication skills. IMO, everything can go to shit, but once communication stagnates, you're in real trouble. Even if you're arguing, you're still doing okay — you just need to work on how you're communicating."
"Communication is key when trying to mend a tattered relationship because, without respectful communication, the conflict-recovery process can never begin. In the conflict-recovery model, both parties agree to the terms under which they will communicate (no yelling, no interrupting, no I told you so's, etc.). Each party gets a chance to share how the other's actions make them feel.
After, they each propose their solutions and identify where they made assumptions or got triggered and why. They next identify where they're willing to compromise. Finally, we create an actionable plan with deadlines and monitor the progress to see if the proposed solutions were effective."
76. "Active independence from each other is my no. 1 sign that the marriage is about to spiral downward. As soon as I realize a couple is doing (big) things separately — like applying for car loans without the other's knowledge or planning personal trips without consulting the other — I know the couple is soon doomed."
