Hi, I'm Victoria. Like many people who are child-free by choice, I knew I didn't want children from a young age (12, to be exact). I'm in my late 20s now, and though my reasons behind the decision have evolved, it's safe to say I still don't want kids. However — and this is another thing that's remained constant — people, typically those older than me (and perhaps secretly crystal-ball-owning), continue to tell me I'll change my mind or have regrets.
For anyone who cares to know: I recognize now that when I was younger, my decision not to have children was rooted more in fear and encouraged by child-adult relationships I experienced or witnessed myself.
After attending therapy in my early 20s and further maturing, I do now believe I'm capable of being a healthy parent. Similarly, I can appreciate the beauty and joy of having a child and creating a family with somebody you love.
That being said, while you're free to dictate your own family dynamic and parenting style, I think I'd want to be the kind of parent whose life revolves around their children. But frankly, that's a lifestyle and level of responsibility that I don't want to commit to in this lifetime.
So, in an effort to prove that being child-free is not a miserable life sentence, I sought out older, child-free individuals who have reflected (on Reddit) on whether or not they have regrets and what their lives are like now. (While there are a couple of responses from people in their late 30s, most are from folks between 40 and 70 years old). Here are 32 of their stories below:
1. "I never had a minute of regret. I knew I didn't want to have children when I was 15, but it took me until 25 to realize that 'you can't make me' — like having kids is something unavoidable. It took me until I was 32 to find a doctor who would tie my tubes, and I had to badger him for three years. Raising children is a huge responsibility that shouldn't be taken lightly. You're bringing another human into this world! In my opinion, if you're not 'hell yes!' enthusiastic about having kids, then you shouldn't. I just never had the desire, and I thought I would do my potential child a disservice by being a mother who wasn't into being a parent. When people would tell me, 'You're going to regret not having kids,' my answer was always, 'I'd rather regret not having kids than regret having one.'"
2. "Nope. I never had the urge to change diapers or lose sleep, free time, or most of my earnings. Other people's kids are great — mostly because they are other people's. When people ask, 'Who will take care of you when you're old?' I tell them that when I'm 75, I will adopt a 40-year-old."
3. "Not one bit. I have never believed that I would be a good parent. I have a short temper, and while I don't think I would have been physically abusive, my words and tone of voice would be harsh in a very similar way to my own father's. I wasn't happy growing up with that kind of parent, and I wouldn't want to subject any child to that kind of parenting."
4. "I am 66, and my wife is 61. We've been married for 37 years and have no children. Sometimes, I regret not having children but would still make the choice to be childless if we had it to do over. The financial benefits are huge, and you have the freedom to travel and make radical life changes without worrying about adverse effects on the children. Now, we're retired. We have no debt, money in the bank, good insurance, and reasonably good health. We did, however, host five foreign exchange students for a year each. That was as close to parenting as I wanted to get."
5. "I explain it to people like this: You know that feeling you get where you just can't wait to teach your kid how to play baseball (or whatever it is you want to share with them)? I don't have that. It's basically a lack of parental instinct. Having children was never something I aspired to do. My significant other is the same way. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against children — and I get really angry at people who harm them or mistreat them — I just never wanted my own."
6. "I'm almost 50 and never wanted kids. I just never had the urge. However, I wound up helping raise my niece and nephew after their mom — my sister — died in a car accident when they were 7 and 5, respectively. I didn't have them full time, but I split housing them every other weekend and about half of every summer while their father worked and his bitch-ass wife didn't want them around. They're now 21 and 19, so I became more of a parent figure than an aunt. I'm still glad I had none of my own; they were a handful. It was exhausting enough being a part-time parent substitute, and, of course, I wish their mom hadn't passed away. Full-time parents, you're awesome; I couldn't do it. They're good kids, and I love them to death, but they've also broken my heart a few times by acting up and making dumb decisions — but all kids do that."
7. "Much of this conversation can seem grounded in a false choice between material things and wealth vs. children, but I don't want either. I want to live comfortably, sure, and it's nice to have financial stability, but I didn't choose 'things' over kids. I think I could have what I want from life, with or without kids. For as long as I can remember, whenever I thought about my future, children just weren't in the picture. That's not to say they couldn't have been if I'd married someone who wanted kids, and I think I would've been a good dad. However, my wife wants kids even less than I do, so that's our life. The child-free life isn't magical — we still get overwhelmed by things, get stressed, or wonder where the day went — but it certainly isn't loveless."
"We are surrounded by friends and family, and there's no reason that should ever change. I sometimes wonder what life will be like when we're 60 or what my children would be like if we'd had any. I expect I'll look back and see all of the wonderful things I did have in life rather than dwell on the things I didn't, and I look forward to what will come in the next 20 years."
8. "I'm in my 60s and have been happily married for over 30 years without children. Most of the time, I'm happy about our decision. Sometimes, my husband and I wish that circumstances had been different and that we had someone to count on in old age. However, our reasons for not having children still stand. 1) We both felt the world was moving in a direction that couldn't be sustained. (Research on global climate change wasn't yet part of the picture, but ecologically unsound practices were.) 2) We're both from families with plenty of children and grandchildren, so our genes will be passed along without taking more from available resources. 3) We both endured teasing about our appearances and didn't want our children to suffer the same. 4) We've both been exposed to above-average radiation levels and didn't want to risk it. 5) Personally, I was concerned about being a good parent (my husband, on the other hand, would have been amazing)."
9. "I'm 60 and have been married for over 30 years. We consciously decided against kids about five years in and have no significant regrets. We live well, and within our means, so we've accumulated enough resources without being very clever about money. Life is meaningful to us because we've stayed involved enough with family, friends, pets, and volunteer work to be 'useful.' We've never felt the need to have an extra source of meaning; there's more than enough to do in the world right now. Without the responsibility of having kids, we can think about how to be 'useful' while also considering what we want to do over the next couple of years."
"And we're not worrying about who will care for us when we're in a home — we've always practiced being alone with a book, game, or hobby, so I'm pretty confident we can each handle that if or when it comes."
10. "I'm 43 and have been married for 13 years. What is it like without kids? Quiet. Low pressure. My wife and I make life decisions that work for us. We both have jobs and activities that involve a lot of social responsibility — working in healthcare and domestic violence and doing a lot of community work. It's not as if we've just broadly shirked responsibility in life; we've just directed our energies differently. I had always assumed I'd have kids, but my now-wife told me early on she didn't want kids. I weighed the balance between, 'This person is awesome, and I'd love to share more of my life with her,' and, 'I think I'd like kids.' Ultimately, I found I didn't have a really concrete idea of why I wanted kids. I think I was just going along with what I saw as the norm in society."
11. "I have mixed feelings. I don't care much for children, and I think it would have been disastrous for us to have them. I also retired at 52; I'm sure that wouldn't have happened with kids. So, yeah, it was absolutely the right decision. However, I love my family, and I do wonder what it would have been like to have my own — to teach my child the things I know and have someone who cares about me around at the time of my death. Nevertheless, I'm 55 and very happy not to have them. This is reinforced whenever I'm exposed to other people's kids."
12. "My wife and I have been married for 20 years. We do not have kids by choice and certainly don't have regrets. I can tell you firsthand the problem is not that you personally regret the decision; it's dealing with parents. It's incredibly difficult for parents to understand your decision as they can't imagine life without children. It's a well-known phenomenon — when you find something you think is important, your instinct is to share it with everyone as you're positive they're missing out. The other problem is that you're constantly surrounded by friends and family with kids. From a societal standpoint, not having kids is abnormal, so just remember you should be doing things that make you happy; what others think is completely irrelevant. The most important things are to have an amazing relationship with your partner and to agree not to have kids mutually; the worst is to force your partner into a position they may regret."
13. "Zero regrets. I couldn't imagine what my life would have been like if I had children. I would probably have ended up in a mental hospital. I never had a desire for kids, and since I was 12, I always knew I'd never birth any. In my 20s, I briefly thought I could adopt. But after watching a friend go through the adoption process, I knew deep down I didn't want any part of it. The sleep issues I've had without kids have been enough to cause all sorts of problems, and I can't imagine what a newborn would have done to me. Having to focus 100% of my attention on another human would very likely have driven me crazy — well, crazier, anyway."
14. "I never really wanted children, and as a late-bloomer lesbian who came out 35 years ago, it was never really thought to be an option. It wasn't until I was in my early 50s that I had a young person in my life 24/7. A roommate would leave her daughter behind for months at a time. Eventually, she stopped working and paying her share of expenses and was told to move out. Her then-18-year-old child asked me if she could stay to finish high school. They'd been living with me for three years, and after being held back twice, she was a sophomore in high school. She finally had friends for the first time in her life and wanted to graduate with them. I made it clear that it was my house and my rules, and she decided to stay. Would I have wanted my own kid? No. Did I feel I missed out? No. I do feel blessed to have that young person in my life. We both believed it was meant to happen — we even share the same birthday."
15. "I'm 50 and have no issues at all. I'm saving up for a robot to take care of me in my old age."
16. "I'm 57 years old and childless. I don't regret it at all. I sincerely believe that I would have been a piss-poor mother. I'm an extreme introvert, and seeing my sister with her sprogs clinging to her all the time, wanting something or other — food, attention, a toy, whatever — and calling to her ('Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!') convinced me of the wisdom of my decision. If I had had children, I would have been driven to suicide or homicide. My sister's kids have grown into wonderful young adults, and I love them to death. However, I need lots of alone time to remain sane, and you don't get that with kids. If I'd had them, I might have become one of those horrid humans who feed their kids Benadryl to make them sleep, just for some peace and quiet. Childless is better for me."
17. "I don't regret not having kids. Many of my friends are grandparents now. They seem happy, and I'm happy for them, but my life doesn't suck. Grandparents can be lonely, too. A person can have children and grandchildren and still grow old with regrets. Some people grow old and wish they didn't have kids, had seen more of the world, or had followed another dream. Many people feel that way. You don't know what life will bring, and having children will not guarantee that growing old won't suck or feel lonely. It takes more to be happy in old age than having kids. Life is wide open without kids. With kids, in most circumstances, every decision you make must be made around them. That's something to think about. If you are unsure if you want them or not, then the answer is not to have them because that's the one regret you can't take back."
"Whether you have regrets in your senior years will depend on how you spend your time in your youth. You could travel the world, do things for the community, or follow your dreams and feel just as satisfied as someone with 20 grandchildren."
18. "My wife worked at a nursing home for years. For years, she saw that more than 95% of old people have families who never visit until they die, and then everyone wants a piece of the pie. This is when I learned that the whole 'Well, who is going to visit you or take care of you when you're older?' line is complete bullshit. We decided not to have kids after that. Instead, we made great friends and saw the world. No regrets."
19. "No regret. Since childhood, I knew I was not destined to become a mother. I've spent my life realizing my own potential, taking care of myself, and nurturing my career. My family has never understood nor supported me in my choice to remain childless. I was not belligerent or oppositional; just determined to follow my stars. I am happy and fulfilled. I've also accomplished a level of success in my career that would never have been possible had I chosen to have children."
20. "I'm 46 and have been married for 14 years. When I was a kid, someone asked me if I wanted to be a mommy when I grew up. I said, 'Hm, no. I think I would rather have a motorcycle,' so I guess from a fairly young age, I knew I didn't want to have kids. As far as what life is like, it's the only life I know. For instance, my husband's birthday is on Christmas Eve. When people ask him if that sucks, he says, 'Well, I've never had another birthday, so I don't have a comparison.' But here are some general comments about being in your late 40s and never having kids. For starters, I think I'm more connected to my husband than many of my friends with kids are to their spouses. All our love and energy goes to each other. I am not saying people with children can't be close, but he and I are all about each other."
21. "The problem is that kids are glamorized. We are told we must have kids to be fulfilled in life. We are told we must have kids to care for you when you get older and sick. In reality, many kids don't speak to their own parents, and kids with sick parents put them in homes. I never wanted kids. I couldn't imagine someone needing me daily for the rest of my life. Let's face it: Many children these days still rely on their parents! All my life, I was questioned as to why I didn't have kids and told I'd regret it. My mother-in-law told me very clearly, 'One day, you won't be young and pretty but old, and you'll want kids to help you with things.' She's awful — her own kids and grandkids don't speak to her. Kids are a huge sacrifice. I wish society would stop lying to women."
"My friends with kids are exhausted and in loveless marriages with alcoholics and abusers, but they stay because of the kids.
My life is amazing. I travel, see friends, and go to shows, museums, and concerts. I have money to do whatever I want. My husband and I are very happy and are together because we genuinely love each other. We have a big retirement account and insurance for the day if either of us has to go into an assisted living facility. I'm okay with that.
I have very amazing nieces and nephews, but at the end of our visits, I'm glad I can go home! LOL."
22. "I have never once in my life had any desire to have children. It would be like purposefully going into a career I hated and never being able to change my study area or job. I stayed on birth control and got sterilized after I turned 40 — when my nonexistent 'biological clock' was winding down. I have a tight-knit social circle, and some of my friends have children. I have many hobbies and interests, and my life is fulfilling. I feel no sense of loss or could-have-been. My mark on the world, if any, will be through art, craft, or writing."
23. "Never a regret. I just knew from an early age. I wasn't sure about bringing a human being into a troubled world, and I saw children with serious behavioral issues whose parents were trapped with a life sentence dealing with them. I've worked with kids (whom I love) during the day, but I love the freedom of being childless. The world is overpopulated. I was married, but the marriage was rocky, and I didn't want to be a single mom or bring a child into a dysfunctional family. I suffer from depression and didn't want to pass those genes to someone else. Plus, I've never had much money, and kids are expensive. I've also heard the 'Who will take care of you when you're old?' argument. How selfish is it to have kids for that reason? I realize kids can make life meaningful for many people, but I've also seen plenty who shouldn't have been parents and regretted having them."
24. "Many people assume I hate kids because I don't have any. I don't; I just always knew it wasn't for me. At 33, I'm very content with the decision. You know the saying, 'It takes a village to raise a child'? Honestly, I think it's a good thing that not all adults are parents themselves. Some of us remembering what it's like to be that vulnerable is actually a resource. Most of my friends have kids now, which hasn't bothered me yet. It's fun to hear about their experiences and occasionally meet a toddler with no parental expectations from me. It's much like when a friend gets a cat or dog."
25. "My wife and I are in our late 50s. We met and then married in our early 30s. Early on, we discussed whether or not we wanted kids, and my wife told me it'd be medically difficult for her to become pregnant. Other friends went through very expensive and emotionally wrenching procedures to have children, so we decided to devote that time and money to our community instead. We revisited the decision every few years but stayed with our original plan. Now, we travel twice a year and have nice cars, but that's the limit of extravagance for us. Another thing we've been able to do is attend graduate school — together and apart — to expand our career opportunities."
"We still live in the same house when we first met. Extra money and donated time go to organizations that directly help the homeless, provide educational opportunities to children and adults, political causes, and other local groups that look out for children. No regrets on either of our parts."
26. "Now that I'm older, I thought it would have been nice to have someone to lean on if I got sick — then I see my friends who had kids, and they're no different than me. The kids are still living with them, waiting for a meal. I see how my younger friends have to negotiate with a 10-year-old instead of saying, 'No because I said so.' Some kids just don't listen, but they say hateful things on a regular basis. My friends don't flinch."
27. "Financially, it worked out well. We retired in our 40s to engage in the sorts of things we always wanted to do without being subject to the bizarre whims of management. Twenty years later, we still live modestly and enjoy life without complaints. Children would almost certainly have bound us for those decades. Sure, I look at the myth of progeny and wonder what might have been, but there are so many examples of families who can't stand each other. It's a crapshoot whether your child will be the next Renaissance master or the next school shooter. If the question is who will take care in our old age, then look at all the old folks in eldercare, disowned and never visited by their loving children."
28. "I'm 54 years old, and I've lived the past 30 years alone. Presently, my dog and I are chilling in a nice hotel on a spur-of-the-moment vacation. If I had kids, maybe I'd be a grandfather by now! I can't imagine what it would be like to have a family. I picture a life lived more 'normally' sometimes — sunshine, roses, and a white picket fence — but I realize real life isn't like that. No, I don't regret being childfree (or wife-free for that matter). At times, my life can be boring, but then I look back at all the drama that comes with relationships and think I've dodged a bullet. I spent 20 years trying to find a wife to start a family, and then I realized the clock had run out, so fuck it, all the money I saved for my future family will be spent on myself. Hm, what do I want to buy myself for Christmas?"
29. "I'm 45 and knew since I was 5 that I never wanted kids. I married someone who felt the same way. We've been together for over 20 years and are blissfully happy with no regrets. We travel the world, have lots of disposable income, have almost paid off our house, are set up for retirement, enjoy our evenings and weekends together, have our own hobbies, and have learned and developed as human beings on our own. It feels strange calling it a 'decision' when, in reality, it's just the way we're both wired. It has never even been a factor in our lives."
30. "I'm 47, and I have many friends and coworkers with kids of all ages. I never feel left out at all. Every morning, I drive past school zones and thank myself for not having to sit in that nightmare line. I have money to spend on self-care and time to spend with my partner. We enjoy each other to the fullest. I am still discovering so much about him and myself, and I guarantee we wouldn't be able to if we had kids. I only have us to focus on, and it's already a lot; I cannot imagine adding another person."
31. "I'm 58, and my husband is 62. We have no children. My husband really wanted kids, but I have a weird medical issue, so our lack of progeny is not by choice. However, I have learned that you can make your own family. It's not simply a biological phenomenon. We've hosted exchange students and now have 'daughters' (and built-in travel guides!) on three continents. I also mentored an 11-year-old girl through a professional women's organization. She's 24 now, and she and her husband live with us while she completes her master's degree. My husband even walked my 'mentee' down the aisle when she married, and she calls me her second mother. (Her mother loves her very much but simply cannot help her.) With global warming and overpopulation, I'm now happy I didn't have children."
32. "I'm 37, and my husband is 38. He's been snipped, and I have an IUD. At this point, having children would pretty much be a miracle. We decided a long time ago not to have kids, and we've stuck to it. I'll be honest: There have been a few times in the last 10 years or so when I was briefly struck with the idea it might be okay to have a kid, but those feelings have always gone away quickly. As far as regrets, I have none at this point; we love our life as it is. I think it's made our marriage happier and more loving. I see so many people with young children barely talking to each other or under a lot of strain. It's also given us the freedom to follow our dreams; my husband is switching to a new job in the next few weeks with a certain amount of risk. I'm leaving my own job in a couple of months to start my own business. These are things we would never dare risk if we had kids."
