Note: This post contains mentions of disordered eating and body dysmorphia.
In a patriarchal society rife with misogyny, ageism, and impossible beauty standards, it's not uncommon for mother-daughter relationships to suffer when mothers internalize and perpetuate these harmful beliefs, and then project their resulting insecurities onto their daughters. Consequently, their daughters then internalize these insecurities as their own, affecting their self-esteem and body image.
However, many daughters grow up to recognize the cycle, so u/skeleton-hands asked, "Did your mother ever make comments to you in your teenage years that, [when] you've grown up, [made you] realize she was bitter and jealous of your youth? How did it stick with you?" In response, many women opened up about their experiences and reflected on how these comments affected them, as well what they believe caused them in the first place:
1. "My mom would regularly remind me that she was thin until she got pregnant with me. She would give me way more food than I could handle and would scream at me if I didn't eat it all. I was slightly overweight, but she would always tell me I was too thin and that I needed to eat more. I became convinced that she was trying to fatten me up to make herself feel better. I started flushing my dinner down the toilet so she wouldn't yell at me for not finishing it. Now, I'm approaching my 30s and gaining weight. I've been having frequent anxiety attacks because I desperately don't want to be fat and miserable like she was."
2. "My mother found some jeans from her 20s, and when I tried them on, she chortled that she had been smaller in her 20s than I was in my teens."
3. "My mom straight-up told me she was prettier, skinnier, and younger-looking than me when she was my age. She told my red-headed sister that her hair was ugly. (Mind you, my mom was a bottle blonde. Her hair was a mousy brown naturally.) I regularly heard that she passed as 'under age' on public transport when she was in her 20s — that she was anorexic (said proudly, by the way) in her teens."
4. "When I was a teenager, my mom made all kinds of hurtful comments about my body that probably led to my long-term eating disorder — which she would also make jokes about. It's unclear whether or not she truly realized that I was legitimately struggling. She also always had something to say about my breast size. I'm a DDD, and she was an A cup — I must've gotten that from my dad's side of the family. When I was younger, I felt a lot of shame about my body and sex. As I age, it's been left in the past, and I can see where her hostility was really coming from."
5. "I always remember the day my mom — who has an AA cup — asked me, as if she were surprised, 'Is there padding in that bra?' I was like, 'Nope.' She was in bed, and I was standing above her. She reached out, poked my tit hard, and said, 'Oh, there's really not!' Then, she cupped her own boobs, looked at mine, and said, 'Well, yours will fall down. Mine will never fall down.'"
6. "My mom didn't make too many comments, but my aunt especially did. All the women in my family are flat-chested. Any time I'd have cleavage showing, they'd act like they were getting blinded and tell me to cover up. I'm a C cup, so it's not like I have monster boobs. At one point, my aunt lost a bunch of weight. She showed us some new 'makeover' clothes that she'd bought and said to me, 'You could never wear this, your boobs are too big,' like it was an insult. Not long after, she claimed to have magically grown from an A cup to a C cup. It obviously made no sense, but she insisted it was from inhaling air pollutants where she lived. I later discovered she was buying oversized bras and stuffing them with gel pads so she could tell people her boobs had grown."
7. "My mom always told me that she would help me pay for a nose job if I ever wanted one. I grew up thinking I was so ugly and that my nose ruined my face. I now know that I'm not ugly at all, but my nose is still my biggest insecurity."
8. "My mom told me that I didn't have 'ballet arms' when I was 6 or 7. I quit dancing immediately and have always been self-conscious of my arms. My mom was a ballerina for 15 years. Recently, I learned that when she and her sister were little, a teacher had told her sister that she didn’t have ballet arms. I guess it made my mom feel special to have been chosen, and she wanted to continue to feel special by putting me down."
9. "I had acne as a teen. One year, my mom got me a blackhead removal kit as a Christmas gift. I spent a literal hour in the bathroom, mashing my face with these tools. When I came out and asked if it looked better, she responded, 'No, I can still play connect the dots on your face.' I went into the bathroom and cried while looking in the mirror before sinking to the floor."
10. "My mom has always worn her eye makeup the same way: heavy lower eyeliner, mascara, and eyeshadow. It doesn't suit her and makes her eyes look tiny and dark, but it's what she likes. When I was growing up, we used to get ready in the bathroom together. I kind of learned how to do my makeup by watching her. The only difference was that I avoided eyeliner when I was younger. However, I guess it still wasn't right because one day, when I was 14, she made a comment about how I was applying my makeup and said that my mascara didn't look good. It's such a small comment to make, but I'm nearly 30 now, and I still don't like doing my makeup around anyone — whether it be my friends, my boyfriend, etc. — because I feel like I'll be criticized."
11. "My mom told me that I 'looked like a whore' when I was 12 and tried mascara on my lower lashes for the first time. She made sure I didn't really get a grip on makeup until my 20s. She also commented that I looked like 'a homeless child on the street' after I chose my own, slightly hippie-style clothes at a flea market when I was 14. She gave me the impression that I just wasn't a visual person. It lasted until my 20s."
12. "My mother (and others) used to say that I was ugly or make certain comments about me that made me feel ugly. Obviously, I grew up with major self-esteem and confidence issues and hated the way I looked. I still do to a certain extent. However, when looking back at old photos, it's far from true that I was unattractive. It pains me to think of the many years I spent hiding away from the world because of my anxiety over the way I looked. I am not sure if my mom was actually bitter or jealous. I think she had periods of general unhappiness and discontent with her own life that she took it out on me by putting me down."
"I never confronted her about her words. We have a better relationship now, even though I still struggle with body dysmorphia." —u/Metacarpus88
13. "My mom was very beautiful back in her day and had a super-hot bod, but she let herself go quite a bit after her kids. She weighed close to 300 pounds (if not more) when I was growing up. I remember being chubby my whole childhood because she used to overfeed me. She'd also say she was much thinner than I was. When I'd get bullied about my weight, she'd tell me that when she was younger, she would just ignore people and that I should do the same. She also used to manipulate me into wearing certain things by saying that if I wore it, it would help me lose weight — things like sweat pants, for example. It became such a problem that I've battled with eating disorders. Even now, as I'm closer to my 30s, she always comments on how fat I've gotten or how my clothes look unflattering."
14. "When I was 21, I was depressed because I broke up with my abusive boyfriend who I somehow wanted back. I weighed 99 pounds. My bones showed everywhere. When my parents came to visit, my mom said, 'You look so good, skinny, and slim like that!' I told her that I'd barely eat and cry myself to sleep every night. After a few moments of silence, she replied, 'It's going to be fine. Just don't get fat like I did.' A few months passed, and I'd gained some weight and felt a lot better. When I went home, the first thing my mom said was: 'Did you put some weight on? Do not get fat, please! Look at your arms — they're starting to get chubby!' I was 110 pounds then. I replied, 'I feel better than how I felt before. I eat regularly and exercise. This is what you tell me?' She gave me this ugly look and said, 'If you get any chubbier, no man will look at you. I used to grab men’s attention all the time. It made me feel pretty.'"
"During my depressive episode, I was barely doing stuff for college and barely passing my exams. I used to drink a bottle of wine a night and smoke a pack a day. I was literally sick.
With my mom, it wasn’t necessarily a jealousy type of thing. She was projecting her own insecurities on me, and that bothered me very much. I still think about it every now and then." —u/uiaana
15. "I thought I was the only one who experienced this. As a kid, I was always underweight. Around ages 12–13, I gained some weight and ended up on the thinner end of 'healthy.' My mother would always make snide remarks about my body — like my butt is too big, and my thighs are too fat. At most, I was average-sized. I feel like this came from her own insecurities, as she was overweight, and my dad would always make degrading comments about her body. It really hurt at the time — I had an eating disorder when I was 10–11 — but I've learned to just ignore her now."
"Her South Asian culture might also have something to do with it." —u/dumbbitch1234567
16. "My mom kept all her journals from her teen years. She had a very obvious, undiagnosed eating disorder, so these journals mostly contain obsessive measurements of her chest, waist, hips, dress size, and weight. She used to get drunk and weigh me to point out how I was much 'less hot and healthy' compared to her. She would also tell me that I was 'wasting the great genes she gave me' by not being thin. Big yikes. As you might expect, it created an eating disorder. Later, when I was in college, I got my belly button pierced. My mom then decided to tell me that she would look even better with a belly button piercing if I didn't make her have an emergency C-section."
17. "At 16, I was struggling with one of my nipples inverting. I was terrified, and the internet did not help. I confided in my mom, and she asked me to see it. I took my shirt off and showed her, and she laughed in my face — did not help or console me whatsoever. Soon after that, I went to the doctor without her help. Even today, I am self-conscious about my breasts, though I have no reason to be at all. My brain knows it, but I can't get over what happened. My mom also used to tell me I was a 'late bloomer.' Well, my body hasn't changed since I was a teen. I'm petite with small breasts. Guess I never bloomed. I fucking hate that term."
"Thank goodness I have a supportive partner who tells me my body is beautiful. I'm the shape of a '90s supermodel, and that should have never been in style." —u/RankNFile17
18. "My mom was 98 pounds when she graduated high school. I was a chunky kid. I had my dad's genes, and when I was pre-pubescent (around 10), I gained 50 pounds in a year for seemingly no reason. Instead of trying to get to the bottom of what happened, my mother was laser-focused on me losing weight. I was 10 years old and keeping a food journal. My mother monitored everything I put into my mouth. Right after I gained all that weight, she had me try on her wedding dress. She got married at 29. I was 10. It didn't fit me. I still remember how terrible I felt about it. To this day, she tries to incentivize me to lose weight. I hate shopping with her because, even though she's gained weight, she is a smaller size than I am — she's also 7 inches shorter. If I find something I like that doesn't come in my size, she'll buy it for herself and tell me I can have it when I lose enough weight."
19. "When I was 12 and in seventh grade, I had this pair of shorts that I loved. They were sparkly and purple. I wore them constantly. However, my mom would often put them on and constantly brag to everybody about how she could fit into my shorts. Mind you, these shorts fit me when I was still child-like. A year later, when I went through a growth spurt and gained 20 pounds, I was insanely insecure that my mom could still fit into the shorts, but I no longer could. Once I couldn't fit into them anymore, she gleefully took them and continued bragging about how she could. Looking back now at age 31, I realize that my mom had some serious body image issues. I also think she was dealing with an eating disorder at the time."
"Either way, it was annoying AF, and I hated the feeling that she was competing with me." —u/MiddlingMe
20. "My mom's probably an AA cup, and any time I'd show any cleavage, it was like the world was coming to an end. When we would go clothes shopping, I was constantly told nothing would fit me because I had 'no boobs like her.' At the same time, showing any skin whatsoever was inappropriate. Basically, I only wore loose-fitting shirts until I graduated from high school. My mom also tried to convince me that I, too, was an AA cup. I wore the wrong bra size until I was 18–19. Thankfully, a friend in my first year of university took me bra fitting. Turns out, I'm actually a C cup."
21. "My mom always said I was cute and beautiful, and she bolstered my physical appearance. However, she also put a large emphasis on attracting men, and she hated her own appearance. It was intense enough that my relationships with men suffered a bit until I went to therapy."
22. "When I struggled with acne as a teen, my adoptive father initiated a dinner table discussion about how I 'didn't wash my face, obviously, because only boys get pimples.' My mom — who'd never had a pimple in her life despite not washing her face — started too. After about five minutes, I emotionlessly said, 'I really don't care.' My mom responded, 'Yeah, of course, you wouldn't. You don't have to look at yourself. Everyone else has to.'"
23. "When I had my first boyfriend, my mom always told me that she was way more experienced at my age and had a higher body count than me. She also made those comments when my boyfriend was around. It doesn't really affect me now, but back then when I was still a virgin, I was definitely worried about not having sex."
24. "The only two times I've told her about being catcalled, she's either blamed it on me or said something like, 'Well, you should be grateful. I don't get that type of attention from men anymore.' The first time I told her, I was 14 and walking home in my school uniform. The second time, I was 19 and walking in the forest near my house."
25. "My mom used to do some modeling, and she’d bring it up constantly whenever anyone complimented me. In my early teens, she'd put huge pressure on me to turn out like she did. Now that we're well past that and I'm more confident in myself, I can tell she was just jealous. But for a few years, I really felt disconnected from her and couldn't feel comfortable in my own skin."
26. "One day, there was a guy my age tutoring my younger brother. My father wanted me to socialize more with people my age, so he suggested I say hi to the tutor. I have social anxiety and denied the advice. My mom then commented, 'Your response would have been understandable if you were as pretty as I used to be at your age.' Honestly, that comment haunts me every day."
27. "As my body grew into that of a woman's — though I was still very much a girl — and the natural insecurities started, my mom would state that it was 'brave' of me to wear shorts with 'my legs.' I was a perfectly normal weight at that time. And even if I weren't, what the fuck? She would constantly talk about my body and how she always was way slimmer than me. One Christmas, I celebrated with friends and happily told her about it, mentioning, 'I ate so much.' She responded, 'Yeah, we can see that.' And it continued on and on. When I got diagnosed with a thyroid condition, she said, 'I saw that your neck was swollen and fat a while ago, but I didn't want to say anything because you are so sensitive.'"
"Wow, the one time where it could've been relevant to point out a change in my body — of course, it's my fault. Once I fully realized her behavior, I told her to shut the fuck up. It helped but only for a short period of time.
I still feel the effects of that, and I've sought out therapy to develop a better sense of self and to relate to my body more again." —u/littlemamba321
28. "My mom absolutely refused to believe I had bigger boobs than her. I'd complained about being a D cup and then a DD cup, but she wouldn't buy me the correct size bra until we went to Victoria's Secret, and they measured me. She then thought they were upselling me to make me feel good. It turned out she had D cups, too, that she had been squeezing into B cups for years."
29. "My mother constantly called me a 'dyke' because I hated ballet and wanted to play soccer. I'm now a full-grown adult, and she called me 'butch' last week for taking MMA classes to get in shape."
"My mother is easily the most toxic person on the planet. For context, this woman looks like the Crypt Keeper and Dr. Eggman had a baby." —u/[deleted]
30. "I don't think my mom ever meant it in a bad way when I was younger, but she's always commented on how long and thin my legs are. She always says that I 'have dad's legs' and not hers. I think it irks her more nowadays. She hates that I wear skinny jeans in my mid-30s and claims that they 'restrict your blood flow,' so I know she's jealous of my legs. I also don't think it helps that I'm a lot taller than her as well."
31. "When I was 20, ultra low-rise jeans were popular. Because of that, I bought my first pair of bikini, string-style underwear. I don't remember how my mom found them, but when she saw them, she asked, 'How doesn't your pubic hair stick out?' I side-eyed her and said, '...I shave it.' She then gave me the most disgusted look as though I were a horrible person for shaving so that I could look nice in underwear. In my early 30s, I started eating clean and lifting heavy weights. I ended up losing weight, and she said, 'Are you trying to be anorexic or something?'"
32. "I was in the best shape of my life in high school. I played varsity sports and was really proud of myself. One time, I showed my mom a bikini I purchased for a pool party. She responded, 'Girls your size shouldn't wear bikinis,' then smiled and bragged about how she weighed less than I did when she was pregnant. At the time, I was 5'2" and weighed 125 pounds with D cups. When my mom had me, she was 5' and weighed 100 pounds with A cups. She put me on my first diet when I was 8 because I started growing breasts. No elementary school child should be forced to drink SlimFast — especially at school lunch."
33. "One time, I was in my bathroom, doing my hair and makeup with the door open. I wore form-fitted clothing — nothing absurdly tight but you could see my figure — and weighed 115–120 pounds at most. I've always been a stick and still am, even though I'm over 30 now. Anyway, my mother walked by and watched me for a moment. She made that 'tsk' sound, so I turned to her. We locked eyes in time for me to hear her say, 'You're getting fat.' She then left to lock herself in her room. It didn't stick with me because I believed her — I could look in a mirror and genuinely recognize that it was her projection — but because she was supposed to be my mother — the woman who's always in my corner, supporting me, being my rock and shield. It's stuck with me because, in that moment, I was able to recognize that she was broken."
The National Eating Disorders Association helpline is 1-800-931-2237; for 24/7 crisis support, text “NEDA” to 741741.
Note: Responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.