When you're in an unhealthy relationship, it's usually hard to recognize the toxicity or abuse — at least, right away. So, when u/BadgleyMischka asked women who are in healthy relationships after having been in toxic or abusive ones about the biggest difference they've noticed, many came forward to share their experiences. In doing so, they reflected on the differences in their feelings and contrasted the behaviors of their ex and current partner. Here are 32 of their stories below:
1. "The fact that he stays calm when I communicate my feelings."
2. "When I'd healthily communicate to my ex-boyfriend that I felt like a dog to him, he'd start crying about his amazing gay brother who died of leukemia. I'd end up having to console him. Now, my boyfriend reads me like an open book, and I can communicate my feelings without being manipulated to feel like shit or getting yelled at."
"My ex only paid attention to me when he wanted to and deflected during conversations by bringing up his brother. It's like, 'Yeah, I'm sorry about your brother — but what does that have to do with what I'm telling you here?'"
3. "I am so much more relaxed! I'm no longer constantly coming up with a defense or justification for everything. I'm no longer worrying about whether my partner is doing something out of genuine care or manipulating me. I choose my own company now and do things on my own without guilt. I can be myself without being shamed or judged."
4. "I'm not walking on eggshells all the time. It's such a relief not to worry constantly about what would set him off."
5. "I feel safe — physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. I'm also a lot happier. I was happy without my current boyfriend, too, but he's added more happiness to my life rather than stress. I am not worried about ruining his day by mentioning I'm upset about something. If I say I'm upset, he'll listen. He respects that my job can be stressful (my ex never did because his job was stressful, so how could mine ever be?). He helps clean up around the house; he cares about if my mood seems off. He tells me it's not my responsibility if he gets to work late when it would 100% be the case with my ex. The niceties I do for him don't turn into hard requirements. Sex doesn't hurt; my body was probably trying to tell me something before, and I wasn't listening."
6. "I never get yelled at anymore. I don't have to cherry-pick my words to avoid a blowup. I say what I want, how I want, and my boyfriend never changes the topic by accusing me of 'having an attitude.'"
7. "I can bring up things that bother me or initiate boundaries, and I know that he will respect what I have to say. He won't immediately attack me, tell me I'm being cranky, or play the victim. I used to never be able to express a negative emotion, because I'd be called 'cranky' and told to stop being so cranky all the time. Now, if my boyfriend notices I'm a bit off, he asks if I'm okay and will listen to and respect me."
"I just feel so much calmer, and it's so nice to be able to have conversations knowing I'm not going to be yelled at or manipulated."
8. "The person I'm currently dating doesn't have to be asked or begged to spend time with me. She does it on her own because she likes spending time with me."
9. "One night, early in my current relationship, I broke down because he didn't try to have sex with me before bed. All I could think about was that he didn't love me, didn't fancy me, and was going to leave me. Turns out, he remembered me saying that I was tired a few hours earlier."
10. "Not being so damn scared all the time! Scared to give bad news, scared to say no, scared to buy nice things, scared to ask for help — I'm now able to communicate in a healthy way, even if the subject is tense."
"I will say it takes years to undo that mindset, though. I was walking on eggshells all the time. I still sometimes shut down completely when I feel too overwhelmed to talk about something — even if it's something small — and it's been over three years since I left my ex."
11. "I feel valued, loved, and supported, and I am not afraid to open up or share."
12. "I feel identifying the differences between my damaging relationship and my healthy relationship — specifically when it's at its most difficult — shows the biggest contrast. When things are at their most difficult, and I still feel safe, loved, and respected, I know I'm with the right person."
"Now, when we have an argument, I feel like everything will still be okay. I'm safe; he's safe. There's no sense of impending doom, no fear, and no bullying or pettiness. We lay out our differences of opinion, thoughts, and ideas for resolution. When it's done, it's done; I'm not waiting for retaliation or a power play."
13. "There are no actual fights — no screaming, no slammed doors, no running out of the house and driving off, etc. When disagreements or tough conversations happen, the vibe may be intense but never scary or harrowing. I never worry that he won't understand my perspective or that I'll risk losing him when we butt heads."
"Sometimes, we even hold hands when we argue; it's a grounding technique he taught me that blew my mind."
14. "I don't feel the impulse to check my husband's phone. I am still quite insecure, but never because he makes me feel that way; it's past trauma I'm still working through. My husband never makes me second guess if he loves me and wants to be with me, and I don't think I ever have to worry about him cheating or leaving me. My ex? I was constantly looking through his phone, and he was always deleting texts (this was before Snapchat) and changing his passcode. I never trusted him or felt safe with him. One night, something felt off, and he drunkenly gave me his new passcode. When I looked through his phone, I saw that he was cheating on me with his ex. We broke up, and she moved in a week later — while I was still living with him. I then got kicked out with literally nowhere to go."
15. "I have an actual partner in life — not someone who I have to constantly fight for myself with. It's a huge relief."
16. "Being around my (healthy) partner gives me energy and reduces stress. Being around my (abusive and toxic) ex drained me of energy and increased stress. Sadly, it took me a really long time to realize that, but thankfully, I did. I didn't fully realize it was an abusive relationship until a while after I managed to properly end it. They didn’t get abusive overnight; it snuck up on me, as it does for so many. Now, so many things are completely different — things I didn't even see or realize were wrong while I was with my ex."
"I'm regularly mind-blown by the things I put up with, the things I convinced myself were acceptable, and the things I ignored and 'let go.'"
17. "At first, it can feel boring; that's how it was for me. I was so used to chaos and toxicity. When my next partner showed me kindness and stability, it felt boring. The 'butterflies' — that I now recognize as signs of discomfort — weren't there. I just felt so comfortable with him."
18. "The safety and security. Three days after I met my now husband, I (foolishly as all fuck) accidentally poured boiling water straight from the pot onto his hand. You know what he did? He silently walked away, left the kitchen, and then said, 'Shit!' At that moment, I expected him to absolutely lose his shit on me — scream at me or something — but he didn't. About 30 seconds later, he came back while laughing and said, 'We are both so much smarter than that.' That was it. He never brought it up again, never made me feel terrible, and never put all the blame on me. At that moment, I knew I was always safe."
19. "This sounds obvious, but honestly, I didn't know that being in a relationship could add peace to my life. My toxic relationship convinced me that I'd never be more at peace than when I was alone. I was wrong. My partner now makes me feel so supported and safe. Our relationship has done a lot to improve my mental health and even my relationship with myself. For instance, he's so patient with me that I've started giving myself a little grace, too."
20. "I can talk about my issues and feelings now without them taking it personally or as an attack. (Even so, I still find myself oversharing and over-explaining, so I'm trying to reel it.) Previously, my only options were to prepare for a nasty argument or suffer in silence."
"I've been free of that relationship for over a year now, and I still sometimes get triggered by certain things, but I've improved a lot."
21. "Everything is just easy. I can have privacy and my own goals in life without feeling suffocated. I can go out and do my own thing without worrying about my phone being blown up. I can enjoy my sex life. I can talk about my feelings and be understood or at least considered. It's just so peaceful."
22. "Their kindness shook me. I was so used to having someone be either mean or dismissive. It took me a while to see there was no motive for their kindness. Good people exist."
"We're no longer together, but we remain in daily communication even after 10 years of not seeing each other."
23. "I no longer feel like I have to talk about how little I ate that day in order to prove that I'm getting skinnier. I'm also not worried about being called 'trashy' for the length of my shorts. My current boyfriend never stops telling me how good I look."
24. "I don't experience anxiety or guilt whenever I'm running late, speaking with a friend or family member, or generally wanting to do something."
25. "The freedom. I now have a boyfriend who likes to do things with his friends and likes to see me do things with my friends. I didn't celebrate my birthday for nine years with my ex because he never wanted to do anything. It's incredible."
26. "We work as a team. We communicate well and work through challenges together. With my ex, I had to bring up problems very calculatedly. I had to prepare him — it'd often be a 'major blow' to his self-esteem — and then myself for 'retribution.' There was never any significant change. With my current partner, I can bring things up. If anything, I'm the 'toxic' one. Sometimes, he feels like he needs to walk on eggshells around me — especially since both my parents died two months ago. He isn't blaming me for my difficulties, but we've worked on it together since he told me, and the situation has improved. He's still empathetic, caring, and understanding about how my parents' deaths affect me emotionally, and he gives me time and patience. I'm also extremely clear about how much my grief is affecting me."
"The communication, stability, patience, kindness, and willingness to work on issues in our relationship are so different from my relationship with my ex. There might be some initial defensiveness when addressing a problem, but we discuss it, figure out how we both contribute to it, and walk away feeling closer. I also don't feel guilty all the time; I was always guilty before.
Meanwhile, as retribution, my ex would either 1) stay silent and then blow up weeks later, 2) threaten to cheat, 3) make an advance on another woman to boost his self-esteem (because I 'made him feel bad'), 4) shame or put me down for something he was previously fine with, or 5) wait a few days before crying (for hours) about what a terrible person he was while blaming me for making him feel that way. Whatever problem I'd brought up would be half-heartedly worked on and abandoned shortly after.
The safety and stability — stability being the key here — are probably the most significant differences."
27. "A lot less apologizing. I've been with my partner for a long time, but when we first started dating, I would apologize for everything. It was like a reflex, and he would just say, 'I know that's how it was with the other guy, but you don't need to apologize for existing.' It made me feel so safe and like he accepted and loved me without any strings attached."
28. "The biggest difference is in our 'arguments.' They're much calmer. However, the key change is that when he's frustrated, he doesn't insult my intelligence by calling me stupid or anything mean like that — no matter what. He always apologizes as well, even if I was admittedly overreacting."
29. "My husband loves to make me laugh. Last week, he full-on did NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye" dance in the middle of the supermarket just to make me laugh. My husband tells me to stop picking at my acne because he knows it stresses me out even more when I see the negative effects (even though it's an impulse and it's hard for me to stop). My ex told me to stop picking at my face because it made me look ugly. My ex broke up with me any time another girl looked at him twice, and I was dumb enough to keep taking him back. He only cared about his own happiness and what he wanted. I was just there to fill a void."
30. "Actually feeling like I can open up and know that my pain — or whatever I was going through at the time — won't later be weaponized against me. For example, my dad passed from an overdose, and my ex would tell me he hoped I die the same way. He'd even make fun of my father. Now, I couldn't even imagine that leaving my boyfriend's mouth. I know if he said something like that, it would hurt him so badly to see how much it hurt me."
"So, yeah, just the freedom to open up about your trauma or even just your bad day."
31. "Money! My ex stole from me, was unemployed for the entirety of our marriage, and was years behind on child support. My current partner is responsible with money. His annual salary is less than mine, but he has savings and does not spend frivolously. Though we have separate accounts and don't monitor each other's spending (within reason), he's open about his spending and will discuss big purchases with me. He also has no debt. With my ex, I was in a constant state of anxiety when it came to money. After we separated, I had to settle with the bank for mutual debt, and he skipped the country."
"Ten years ago, I had a debt of $22,000 in my name; 90% of it was his since. Today, I have zero debt and over six figures in savings and investments. We're certainly not swimming in money in this economy, but we're comfortable, and it's a great feeling."
32. "The consistency! When I message him, he answers as soon as he's able. When he says he'll be there, he's there. When he says he'll do something, he does it. He is always present, gentle, calm, thoughtful, and communicative. He always shows me that I matter to him, and his words and actions are always genuine. Sometimes, I expect him to get upset, yell, or punish me somehow, but he just calmly shares his feelings — and they're always kind and generous toward me. He supports me actively, acts as an equal in the relationship without needing to be managed, and looks for the silver lining in everything."
Did any of these resonate with you — whether in a previous or current relationship? Share your comments below.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.