Condoms, Cocks And Chlamydia: 20 Things You Need To Know About STIs

Putting off getting your bits checked? Now there's no excuse!

1. What the hell is an STI?

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STI stands for "Sexually Transmitted Infection." Common ones include Chlamydia, Gonorrhoea, Herpes, Genital warts, Syphilis and HIV.

Right now i’m going to bite the bullet and say that STIs can’t be passed on through sharing toilet seats, lipsticks or even margaritas with someone that has one (although a cocktail binge with said person may well help facilitate transmission).

2. So why does no-one ever talk about them..?

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This is because having a problem down below can be a bit scary/embarrassing. In reality, most STIs are totally treatable and can affect anyone who's having sex.

3. But i've only slept with a few people...

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So you’ve only slept with 2 people. But those 2 people both slept with 5 people.. and those 2 sets of 5 people all slept with 20 people. And guess what, you’ve now slept with all of them!

Getting jiggy without protection means exposing yourself to someone’s “sexual network” and if they didn’t wear a condom with you, it’s pretty likely they didn’t bag up with the last person they shagged either.

4. All my exes seemed really nice!

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Even if your date was the perfect lady/gent, it’s v unlikely whilst telling you about their childhood pets/penchant for S&M they also dropped in that they’ve got a cracking dose of the clap.

Unfortunately when it comes to this stuff, a nice personality or the fact they volunteer down the retirement home every Sunday don’t mean squat. Had unprotected sex? Go get a test.

5. I only need to get tested if it feels like something's wrong though, right?

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Loads of people have STIs and show no symptoms whatsoever. Which is why we don’t get tested, infections get passed on and can eventually lead to irreversible health complications such as infertility and chronic pain. These are not good.

If a new set of genitals comes into the mix and you’re having unprotected sex, don’t muck about, go get a test.

6. What if I go for a test and someone sees me..?!

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Relax! It’s 2016. No-one actually gives a crap about spotting you in the GUM clinic, but they’ll be miffed if you give them Chlamydia because you didn’t know you had it in the first place. Looking after your health and that of your ex/current/future partners is actually pretty cool, which is exactly what you can tell your old piano teacher when you high-five him in the waiting room.

7. So where do I go..?

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Finding a clinic near you is pretty fuss-free. Plus your GP will also offer checks. If you have symptoms however, a sexual health clinic is the best option as they’ll have access to more tests and treatments. NHS Choices and Family Planning Association both have postcode-based “clinic finder” tools and sxt.org's natty app boasts a plethora of information that you can peruse whilst on the loo.

8. I haven't got time to go!

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If life’s busy and you have no symptoms, Dean Street Express offers a drop-in service 6 days a week, with a fast turnaround the name of the game. It’s also a nice opportunity to hang out in their glossy waiting room which is probably nicer than your own gaff. SH:24 is an online services offering easy peasy test-at-home kits and clinics nationwide provide weekend services too.

9. What happens when i'm there?

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You’ll have a chat with a doctor or nurse who’ll ask you loads of stuff about your sex life to see what tests you need. Even if your deal involves a 3-day orgy with the cast of Ibiza Uncovered (if you don’t know, youtube it immediately), I can guarantee we’ve heard worse so don’t think for a second that you’re shocking/impressing anyone.

A general screen includes a test for Chlamydia and Gonorrhoea, which is a pee sample for the blokes and a self-taken vaginal swab for the girls (being on your period’s not a problem). Men who have sex with men (MSM) get swabs from the throat and bum too. You’ll be offered a blood test for HIV and Syphilis and possibly Hepatitis depending on your story.

You might need to be examined which will involve getting your genitals out. We’ve seen it all before, we don’t care if you’ve shaved or not and yes, there’s definitely something we can do to make it better.

10. When's the best time to go?

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If you have symptoms, don’t delay. That gonococcal discharge won’t get better by itself. Otherwise, Chlamydia and Gonorrhoea can take up to 2 weeks to show up on your tests, HIV and Syphilis 1 month.

11. Chlamydia: what's all the fuss about?

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Chlamydia affects around 1 in 10 in the UK, with Hackney holding the crown for the highest rates in the 15-24s in 2014. Up to 70% of people have no symptoms whatsoever. Luckily it’s completely curable with just a few tablets and if treated early, causes no long term problems. It can infect the vagina, urethra (pee-pipe), anus and throat.

12. So you can get Chlamydia in your throat and up your bum?!

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In a word, yes. But it's something we see mostly in gay men. So if you go to your clinic wanting to be swabbed from every orifice, please believe us if we tell you it's not necessary. Ask your doctor if you've any concerns about this.

Logistics-wise, Chlamydia infects the pipes of the penis. If someone gives you a BJ, they get it in their throat. They give someone else a BJ, it transfers to the other person's penis. The same happens with anal: Chlamydia in the penis transfers to the bum and then back again. A rather unfortunate cycle of events but one we see commonly.

13. What's the Clap?

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This term is thought to come from the french word “Clapier” which means brothel or because an old-school treatment was to “clap” a Gonorrhoea-infected penis with a heavy object in order to remove the infection. *scream*

Gonorrhoea affects up to 30,000 people a year in the UK and can infect the same bits of the body as Chlamydia. Worryingly, resistant strains of the virus now exist and effective treatment is with an injection and tablets which must be accessed via a clinic. This is infinitely better than having an encyclopedia dropped on your knob though, so probably best to thank your lucky stars we live in 2016 and suck it up without complaining too much.

14. Genital Warts: What's that about?

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Whilst they’re a pain in the bum (no pun intended), genital warts are very common, very treatable and will not last forever. They are caused by the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), which is passed on via skin-to-skin contact. With time your body will clear the virus, but FYI this clearance is slower if you smoke.

Warts can be treated with creams or freezing (cryotherapy). Please dismiss any thoughts of DIY wart treatments RIGHT NOW: I promise the bag of frozen peas/pair of scissors combo only leads to trouble.

Important note here is that the types of HPV that cause genital warts are NOT the same types of HPV that cause cervical cancer. See here for more info.

15. Holy moly, i've got Herpes!

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Did you know there’s a four-piece punk band from Berlin called Herpes? It’s also a virus (HSV) which gives you cold sores on the mouth and painful genital blisters/sores if it’s down below.

Once you have it, it lays dormant in the skin for life. But not everyone develops symptoms and if you do get an outbreak it’s very treatable. Best plan? If you feel sore downstairs, don’t have sex and go get it checked out. Check out Herpes Virus Association for more info.

16. Nobody gets Syphilis anymore, do they?

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Syphilis is making a bit of a comeback at the mo, particularly on the London gay scene, with a 46% increase in MSM in 2014. Left to it’s own devices can cause devastating problems with the heart and brain, so it’s worth taking a test when offered.

As the old saying goes, “love is the best medicine..” Unless you have Syphilis, in which case Penicillin is the best choice.

17. Hepatitis

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Hepatitis is a virus that affects the liver and comes in 3 forms: A, B and C. Hepatitis B (HBV) is passed on through unprotected sex and more commonly seen in MSM and certain ethnic groups. But good news! All MSM can get free vaccinations against HBV at their GP or GUM clinic, alongside other people at risk.

Hepatitis C (HCV) has no vaccine so you must protect yourself against it. It’s passed on through blood contact and is again more common in MSM. Be safe: use condoms, gloves for fisting and avoid sharing needles/straws if you are using drugs.

18. And what about HIV?

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There are an estimated 25, 000 people living in the UK with undiagnosed HIV, with the highest rates in our nation's capital. The two main groups at risk are gay men and people from areas of the world where HIV is more common: Sub-Saharan Africa, South East Asia, the Caribbean and Russia. But it can affect anyone.

Thankfully HIV is now a manageable disease. But it's also an AVOIDABLE one. Wear a condom and get tested. See Terrence Higgins Trust for more info.

19. So do condoms really work?

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Yes! Let's take a moment to pay homage to this small yet powerful water balloon!

Yeah, condoms can be a pain in the arse to think about. BUT! They protect you from STIs, unwanted pregnancy and are available in different sizes, latex-free and super thin forms, so sex can still feel pretty great.

Find your nearest free condom supplier here.

20. Anything else I need to know..?

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Sex can be really good fun.. provided you feel happy and safe to be there. If ANYTHING doesn't feel right about your own situation, talk to someone.

You can visit your local clinic for advice on lots of things, like if things have got a bit much on the Chemsex scene, if you’re being affected by domestic or sexual violence or perhaps sex isn’t going the way you’d like it to. They can also give you up to date info on PrEP and other HIV prevention methods.

Now go forth and spread the word! Just wear a condom and a healthy dose of respect whilst you're at it.