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The Ten Things Every Film Nerd Hates To Hear/Say

How many times has this happened to you? Yeah, I thought so. You should have stayed at home watching movies instead!

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1. "What's your favourite movie?"

At a party, in a club, a pub, while dining or even when sharing a flight/train ride, people will pop the question! Some find it to be a great icebreaker or a subtle way to instantly work out your personality. It's neither. If you are obsessed with film, you have probably seen thousands of movies. Mentally sorting through all of them to pick 'The One', feels like defusing a bomb in less than 60 seconds while drunk on Tequila. At least have the decency to ask for our top 5. We've only just met, come ooon...

2. "That was AWESOME!"

You just watched the film you were really looking forward to seeing, and guess what? it was terrible! You feel robbed of time and money, disappointed, and your expectations have been crushed. It's time to curl up in a ball and weep. As you begin to deal with this catastrophic event rationally, there is always someone bellowing "Wow, that was amazing!". This is when sadness instantly turns to rage. It could be a stranger or a friend leaving the cinema: This state of moronic euphoria is unacceptable. Friendships are now questioned and assault and battery charges against you are now a possibility. Rush home or ask everyone to leave. Immediately.

3. "PUT...YOUR...PHONE...AWAY"

This is the reason why you should buy a projector! Going to the cinema means supporting the industry, it also means sharing a room with strangers. By the law of probability, the chance of sitting next to a total wanker is very real. So if we beat you to a pulp with your own smartphone and then take a picture of your bothersome bloody mug, will you remember then?

4. "Have you seen...?"

This usually happens when talking to young Millennials and Generation Z: You nurtured a love for cinema most of your life. You invested time, money, emotion and over the years have developed a refine taste for celluloid. A conversation about cinema brings you joy, until some 'edge of twenty' stereotypical hipster, barges in with a supposedly obscure reference! The antagonistic nature of it all is downright reprehensible. This is the same waste of space who couldn't contribute to the conversation when it was about Lynch, Scorsese, Capra, Annaud, Coppola, Besson, Kubrick, Leone, etc. Dude...please!

5. "Meh...I didn't care for it" aka "It was boring"

Cinema resonates with all of us. We associate some films with a particular time in our lives, while others solely on their entertainment value or artistic merit. If you are going to devalue something most filmophiles regard highly...thread carefully. Especially if you are the same person who raved about Prometheus!

6. "He was dead all along"

I like to think of this as an unintentional faux pas. Who in their right mind would purposely spoil the ending of a film or a major plot twist? Well, it happened and it will keep happening! If you sense a spoiler coming on...walk away.

7. "The original theatrical release was sooo much better"

So many classics were released before the digital age. In the last decade so many directors decided to revisit their work to enhance it, ultimately It's their choice. Some things could not be done twenty of thirty years ago. Now they can. Just because Lucas went overboard with digitally retouching Star Wars, it should not ruin it for everyone else! Have you seen the 30th Anniversary version of Blade Runner? Well, you should.

8. "HA HA HA...THAT'S SO FUNNY...HA...HA HA HA...OMG I LOVE IT...!!!"

Most people who do this, are also completely oblivious to the irritating nature of their behavior. They will laugh at absolutely anything, funny or not, they will cackle maniacally throughout the ENTIRE film! You won't be able to ignore them as they clap their hands, slap their knees and comment loudly at the hilarity ensuing on screen. Generally, they are sitting in your close proximity. TAKE YOUR MEDS!

9. "NOM...NOM...NOM"

Please chew with your mouth closed! Please stop fisting that bag of crisps! Please stop eternally unwrapping whatever overpriced poison you are stuffing your face with! Please stop the slurping opera, you exhausted your beverage! Please be discreet with your chow! Please...STOP IT!!!

10. "Waaa! W-W-Waaaaaaaaaaaa! Waaa!"

Parenting is hard. If you don't have children, it's easy to perceive an infant wailing in a theater as a nuisance. We all have friends with kids, so I better watch my mouth! But at times don't we all wish for...

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