Here's What "The Bachelorette" Contestants Look Like

You can't tell us that Jordan Rodgers doesn't look like asparagus.

Robbie Hayes = Aggressively Manscaped Ken Doll

ABC / Disney / Pixar

A little too slick, and A LOT too hair-sprayed.

Daniel Maguire = A weiner

ABC

He looks like a weenie and he is a weenie.

Derek Peth = John Krasinski

ABC / Frazer Harrison / Getty Images

I mean, from day one. Self-explanatory. Derek easily could've found love with Pam Beesly.

Christian Bishop = Oscar from Shark Tales

ABC / Dreamworks

THIS IS UNCANNY.

Christian Bishop = A quokka

ABC / Flickr: samuelwest / Creative Commons

He's smiley, likable, and joyful..but not necessarily the star of the frat house (or animal kingdom).

James Taylor = Will Haduch

ABC

Robby should've shared with Will early on that if you grow a beard, Jojo keeps you longer — AMIRITE?!

Will Haduch = Charlie Bucket

Sadly, Will did not get a Golden Ticket. See what I did there?!

Luke Pell = Charlie Sheen

ABC / CBS

Honestly, we like Luke. But you can't deny that look. It's just a liiiittle bit too...passionate.

Coley Knust = Paul Dano

ABC / Kevork Djansezian / Getty Images

Luckily for Coley, who no one knows, his doppelgänger is famous enough for the both of them.

Chase McNary = An Alpaca

It's adorable, but you can see in it's beady little eyes that it wants to kill Derek during the 2-on-1.

Grant Kemp = The Crimson Chin

OK, so we know that he's also been compared to "Handsome Squidward," but Grant also bears a striking resemblance to this strong-chinned superhero. He also wears red and Grant's a firefighter.

Evan Bass = Bruce from Family Guy

LOL, that 'stache tho'. Gotta say, Bruce's outfit is a vast improvement to Evan's ripped shirt.

Alex Woytkiw = Lord Farquaad

Both have a bizarre Napoleon Complex and, TBH, we pity both of them.

Alex Woytkiw = An Oompa Loompa

We didn't know Alex actually had a triplet!!

Alex Woytkiw = A Weasel

ABC / Flickr: yeliseev / Creative Commons

This is the last Alex one, we promise...but he is SUCH a rodent.

Jordan Rodgers = Veggie Tales Asparagus

IT'S JUST A MIRROR IMAGE.

Jordan Rodgers = A Fancy Veggie Tales Asparagus

Because, you know, he's gotta get dressed up for the rose ceremony.

Vincent Ventiera = Vinny Guadagnino

ABC / Andrew H. Walker / Getty Images

Is it a rule that all guys named Vinny are required to have a peculiar square haircut?

Chad Johnson = Bruce The Shark

Chad needs a reminder that Bachelors may not be friends, but they CERTAINLY aren't food.

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