Why X-Men: Apocalypse Was An Apocalyptic Disaster

Somewhere in between the 30 minutes of coming attractions and Nightcrawler's frosted blue, emo tips, the cheese got to be too much and I just couldn't. So here's an itemized list that I made in theatre of why I regretting the $13 I spent to see X-Men:Apocalypse...this list could also be called "Why I Walked into Captain America:Civil War Right After" **Maybe Slight Spoilers Ahead**

1. Bryan Singer's Man Crush

20th Century Fox / Via screencrush.com

Look, I get giddy at the sight of man candy just as much as all the other middle-aged divorcées standing in line at 11:30 Magic Mike opening night screening (though admittedly less when they skip leg day *tee hee*), but it's a little irritating how saturated the narrative of every X-Men movie in the franchise has been with Wolverine's backstory...and BACKstory, when there are so many awesome origin stories in the universe that are begging to be told. If you go into this hoping to finally see a Storm character played out with some depth, save your money. Clearly, Singer has a type, and he's of the bruiting, beastly chicken-legged variety. When in Wolverine's history did he discover shirts? That's what the next Wolverine movie should really be about...

2. Those Contact Lenses

20th Century Fox / Via insidethemagic.net

Though I guess I can't technically fault the actor that played Nightcrawler for having the facial structure of a baby bird, it did take me a good 15 minutes to realize that his eyes weren't digitally enlarged. It was extremely hard to take he and Beast seriously, however, as furious members of an elite fighting force while sporting sparkling red anime contacts in those big, saucer eyes that made them both look more like My Little Ponies than X-Men.

3. The Thriller Jacket

20th Century Fox / Via comicbookmovie.com

I know I've picked on Nightcrawler a couple of times already, but can we just take a moment to recognize his apparent affinity for the King of Pop? Though maybe intended to be interpreted as a kitschy Easter egg and ode to the film's 80s setting, with no explanation, it came across as more of a curious accident that preoccupied me the whole movie.

4. Apocalypse's Whisper Talking

20th Century Fox / Via cdn.arstechnica.net

You know those annoying tutorials you're forced to play through at the beginning of RPGs until your mastery of the button system meets the expectations of some ominous curator? Well, imagine those words coming out of a big, blue mouth and you've got Apocalypse, who gargled on and on about unlocking other's "full potential" enough times to make a pretty legit drinking game. The boundlessly endowed Apocalypse from the comics and/or cartoon series was really lacking in this incarnation, his only real display of power (aside from his potential unlocking crazy-eye stare) being a teleportation bubble-thing a la Ivan Ooze (Power Rangers) and some molecule manipulation featuring Phoenix's leftover graphics from X-Men: The Last Stand. Oh, he may have done some density shifting in that one (yes, only one) fight scene. Also, Oscar Issac is a very pretty man, but as Apocalypse, he kind of looked like a California Raisin.

5. Daddy Issues And Other Inaccuracies

20th Century Fox / Via media.comicbook.com

In direct contrast to her codename, the softer, more compassionate, and transparent Mystique is reprised by Jennifer Lawrence (though I think that I speak for most when I say that we miss the badass that was Rebecca Romijin). As part of her plight of accepting her mutant self and embracing humanity blah blah blah, she seems quite set on the idea of reuniting Magneto with his son, Quicksliver, in order to pull the Master of Magnetism out of his human hating funk. The problem? She completely ignores the fact that she is fighting on the same team as her son, Nightcrawler, the whole movie and never once struggles with the idea of telling him. It could be that this relationship is yet another casualty of the franchise's Fox ownership (which as a fan, is pretty disappointing), but if not, then its a major oversight on the part of the studio.

This is not the only inaccuracy dealt, however. Jubilee being the same age as a teenage Jean and Cyclops is a snafu certain to catch your eye. And even within the X-Men Timeline previously crafted by Fox Studios, there exist inconsistencies. In X2, for example, Nightcrawler explains his facial scars as marks of repentance connected to his Catholic faith. Now, they just seem to be a part of his mutation?? But maybe the big reset button pressed by Days of Futures Past changed this too.

6. Much Ado About Nothing

20th Century Fox / Via upload.wikimedia.org

Not only is the film inconsistent, it's fairly anticlimactic. Apocalypse is suppose to be the god-like forefather of the mutant race who, in the past, has had whole sagas dedicated to his battles and demise, but this team of fairly green, teenage mutants is able to send him and his four horsemen packing in one, ten minute fight. Think back to your disappointment at the end of Fox's first attempt to boot up the Fantastic Four franchise, and redirect your hostility accordingly. The film builds to pretty much nowhere and comes off as a lot of flash and fan-baiting, but is ultimately an empty non-action, action film.

7. Youth Culture Prevails

20th Century Fox / Via cdn.arstechnica.net

Hollywood, especially when it comes to its action movies, panders to niche audiences, and I get that, but does that have to mean that no one over the age of 25 is allowed to have superpowers (except when it comes to Wolverine, of course, but check back at #1 for that)? Not that I was particularly happy with the downward spiral that The Last Stand set up for the franchise, but, for me, the original cast felt a lot more fitting for these roles (not to say that they were PERFECT either). Overall, the film is a testament to Fox's willingness to sacrifice coherence and source material's integrity for a subpar scripting and angsty, teen cliches. With X-Men:Apocalypse, it looks like Fox has just dodged one hill only to find themselves sliding down another.

8. The Silver Lining

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Though I'm not particularly optimistic about the future of the franchise, the tease after the credits is worth staying for...or at least Youtubing. For a spoiler, check below:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0S0_wwesww