Recently a friend told me to "chill." He might as well have been waving a red flag before a bull - that'd probably be safer. There was a time when I would have broken an unsuspecting bystander's nose for a comment with less weight. This friend is one of many peers who have recently declared the now fashionable belief that mental illness is not real, but made up by the pharmaceutical companies. That is a belief reserved for the privileged. It's a statement made by those who have never been lied to by hallucination, incapacitated by anxiety, made lifeless by addiction, consumed by panic, devoured by depression or blown to bits by mania. It's a statement we will never be lucky enough to make. It's an excuse we will never get to use. It's a political card, played in a social context to fuck us over from receiving the help we need. To these people, I only have two things to say: good for you, and go fuck yourself.
I am cyclothymic: one who suffers from cyclothymia. I'd explain to you what that means but you've already told me it doesn't exist, so if I continue to try and explain it, not only am I STILL cyclothymic but according to you: I am now delusional, too. Delusion is a mental illness in itself, is it not? Or are those of us who suffer from delusion merely pathological and compulsive liars? The problem is, those can be conditions or symptoms of one, too. So when we get to the root of what you're saying, is it that we are all liars and choosing to be this way? If that's what you're saying, you're more of an asshole than I thought. If I had a choice, it definitely wouldn't be to put myself and my loved ones through hell. It would be my choice to never know what a razor tearing flesh feels like. I would choose to get out of bed every morning and just "be normal." But unfortunately, I don't get to.
This is not about sympathy - save that for someone who needs it and wants it. This is about a select group of people who have decided to meddle in something they have no business meddling in. Aside from battling my own inner demons, I'm a medical student with an interest in neurodegenerative conditions. Within that, mental illness is often a manifestation amongst patients. The number of sufferers from mental illness that I know, who have at one point randomly stopped taking their meds as a result of an uneducated opinion, continues to escalate. Every time you convince someone to not take their medication, to not believe their doctor, you have jeopardized their life. YES – every stupid clickbait you repost about yoga curing schizophrenia has endangered someone's life. When a patient stops taking their medication abruptly, their risk of suicide increases astronomically - will you be there to prevent this? Every time a patient discontinues their medication abruptly, the risk of their condition becoming treatment-resistant has increased - are you going to be the one to tell them that they're running out of treatment options?
It's taken years for me to come to terms with myself, my condition and my medication. When someone starts off on the path to getting treatment, and they seek reassurance, I give it to them, but I don't lie to them: it will get worse before it gets better. Mental illness isn't like an infection where you become better at the consumption of an antibiotic. It's a process. It can take years to find the right medication for you individually. Medication is also a small component of the path to recovery. There's also therapy, and that too can take years to find the most effective form for you. CBT and DBT are the most practiced clinically today, but there are literally hundreds. Aside from maintaining today and preparing for tomorrow, we have to try and cleanse ourselves from yesterday; the toxic waste that has accumulated within ourselves over the years needs to be taken care of. As we educate ourselves on our condition, we become able to mend our relations that have been damaged as a result of our illness.
The reality of illness and treatment are hard enough without the taunting of those who are lucky enough to not understand. Thankfully I'm at a position now in both my treatment and education to be able to call bullshit on these crusaders causing self-inflicted genocide.
We define suicide as the intentional taking of one's own life. This definition is inaccurate by the absence of the key word "back." Suicide is the "intentional taking of one's own life BACK." If you're confused, you're lucky - for understanding without further explanation is a result of your inexperience. Basically, there are two types of people, those who put a gun to their head and their finger sits steady on the trigger before turning the wall behind them into a Jackson Pollock painting. Then there are those of us who place the gun in position, but our finger trembles. It does not tremble in fear but trembles in hope: did I do everything I could?
If you're still confused, don't worry, I'm getting there.
When we commit suicide we are not giving up, giving in, or running. We are ridding the world of this thing that consumed us at random. We are not taking our own life, it's no longer ours for the taking. The day mental illness entered our lives is the day we stopped breathing. The act of suicide happens when we are no longer able to endure the excruciating torture we've been put through. When no treatment has been successful and we tie that noose: it is the first time since our possession that we have been able to control something. In death, we receive the ability to have agency again. In death, we were given back to ourselves. It is in our last breath that we have taken our first breath in what felt an eternity - the suffocation is over.
We've taken our life back - even if only for that second. In an unfair, fucked up way; it's not losing the fight, but in that moment, it feels like we're winning.
Do you see? We're not like you. For us, suicide is not the hardest decision we've ever had to make. On our worst days, it can feel like the easiest. We live in a world full of people who will tell you mental illness isn't real. People who tell you that medication is evil. When you're exhausted from life, these people can begin to make sense. With my condition, and with those of many of my peers, this can have catastrophic, even deadly results. THIS IS WHY IT IS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO SHUT UP. In my early days of mental illness, one article, one convincing argument, would have made me stop taking my medication. The medication I'm on has a half-life of 12 hours: if I had been convinced to try going without it for a day, I wouldn't be here right now. It's not my brain being accustomed to the meds that have made it that way, I was always this way, and the older I get, the louder that, "what are you waiting for?" gets. With medication I possess the ability to reason and understand that that's the illness and not me, and I am able to move on, and am happy in doing so. Without medication though, the mantra of the suicidal is unbearably loud, and it will win.
Ronald R. Fieve - the Harvard graduate, Manhattan based psychiatrist - who is a god to the men on Wall Street, has been one of the biggest developers for the treatment of mood disorders. In particular he is historically notable for the use of lithium, garnering national attention for decades as an innovator in medicine. In 2006 however, he published a book on bipolar II discussing how to harness hypomania instead of treating it. In recent years, as understanding and knowledge of mania and hypomania have grown, so has the commentary. When there is enough commentary on anything in America, certain men – like Ronald R. Fieve, will find a way to capitalize on it. Thus begins the push away from well-documented, generically available medications that will be covered by health insurance, towards the trendy, unsafe holistic alternatives that are not covered by any insurance program, and must be paid typically upfront, for programs that can last months in duration – in other words: thousands of dollars. Anyone that offers a course in meditation for a "fee" doesn't sympathize with your condition and doesn't care if you get better. Meditation is an activity that can aid you in recovery – but never let someone trick you into thinking it is the only way, and that you have to pay for it.
Medication is not always forever, and it might not be necessary to begin with: do not let an article someone posted on Facebook be the deciding factor for you. I encourage you all to discuss your questions and concerns with a mental health professional and doctor as well as your family, a close friend, or a significant other. Weighing your options and expressing your concerns are two things you should absolutely do, but make sure they are done with people qualified to help you make educated decisions, and people who always have your best interest first. As someone once seduced by the notion that essential oils could cure me of my mood swings alone, I offer to you a cautionary tale. The problem is here: like most physical and mental ailments, if left untreated, you will get worse. Hypomania can become mania. Depressive states can begin to last longer and suicidal idealism will make its way inside. This started happening to me. Slowly at first, but it quickly escalated. My anger became a rage, I'd scream and cry for hours on end - breaking everything in sight. My episodes of euphoric creativity became madness - no longer were my ideas realistic but the work of delusion. I was lucky in that I had a moment of clarity. I was getting worse; I needed to save myself. I was scared but I was honest with my psychiatrist: I was losing grip with reality, and we had to act fast.t
I am alive today because of Western Medicine. I am alive today because of therapy. I am someone who exhausted all of their options and thousands of dollars on: SSRI's, SNRI's, Stimulants, TCA's, Mood Stabilizers, Antipsychotics, Sedatives, Hypnotics, Hypnotism, Acupuncture, CBT, DBT, Cocaine, Amphetamine, Alcohol, Psychoanalysis, Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Life Coaches, Neurologists, Neuropsychiatrists, Group Therapy, 12-step meetings, Aromatherapy, Massage Therapy, Holistic Medications, Supplements, a personal trainer, a nutritionist, light therapy, dark therapy, water therapy, music therapy, art therapy, transcendental meditation, yoga, heated yoga, full body cleanses, Scientology, Jesus Christ, Muhammed, Buddah, I Ching and the Tao Te Ching, S&M, poetry, painting, writing, camping, hiking, solitude and New York City. I have tried it all. I went to hell and back before finding a pill I could take every morning that gave me my life back. It gave me my family back. It gave me my friends back. Today I am a published medical student and my life would not have been possible without the aid of psychiatric medication.
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