A Listening Guide For Adele's "25"

A complete track-to-track listening guide for when and where you can listen to Adele's new album, "25." Why write a listening guide? Adele writes music that is more upsetting than those dying dog commercials with Sarah Mclachlan playing. Every time I listen to Adele, I think that I AM A DYING DOG. Adele is not music that is appropriate for everyday life. So I have written a guide to help you know when and where it is appropriate to feel like those dying dogs!

1.

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Hello

Hello is best listened to when either A.) Your dead ex, or B.) Your dead mother-in-law are haunting you, and you are trying to sleep but they keep fucking with the goddamn sink.

2.

Send My Love to Your New Lover

When the person you're dating cheats on you with some fucking eighteen-year-old and you're waiting outside of the local mall to have a smackdown in the parking lot.

3.

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I Miss You

This is a song to listen to when you are stabbing a voodoo doll or cutting its head off. Or maybe setting it on fire or holding its head under water.

4.

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When We Were Young

Now this one is tricky tricky!!! Despite what you're thinking, you're wrong. This is a song only meant to be listened to when you are driving home from the vet after putting your dog down and you're drinking an iced tea.

5.

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Remedy

This is a song to listen to when you're at work and you have raging diarrhea and your coworker is talking to you and you know if they don't shut the fuck up soon you will shit your goddamn pants, and you think about trying to let a little bit of a toot out while they ramble endlessly but you don't because you know with your luck it will be a shart. It will be a shart they will hear and smell.

6.

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Water Under the Bridge

This is a song to listen to after you wake up one morning and you can tell something is off, but you don't know what, and you step on the cold bathroom tiles and get ready to go pee. You push, waiting for it to come out and alleviate the pressure on your bladder, and FUCKING RAZOR BLADES! You got the goddamn clap. This is a song to listen to after you figure out you have the clap. I'm almost certain Adele had to have written it while giving her doctor a urine sample.

7.

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River Lea

There are 3 scenarios in which this song is appropriate:

1.) You are telling your adoptive parents that you are ready to meet the real deals.

2.) You find out your parents are your adoptive parents.

3.) You put your baby up for adoption.

8.

Love in the Dark

When someone comes up to you in public and starts fucking talking like you're old pals or some shit and you cannot remember for the life of you if it's the person you slept with last weekend, or the person that delivers your mail.

9.

Million Years Ago

This is a song meant to be listened to when you're on an abandoned ferris wheel alone, in a town like chernobyl that has also been abandoned due to a nuclear power plant meltdown causing decades of radiation to mutate everything around it.

10.

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All I Ask

This is a song to listen to when you go to a fast food restaurant alone and you are sitting in your car, eating an absurd amount of food alone.

11.

Sweetest Devotion

Lastly, Adele has finally written a song for us to listen to when we are getting a cyst on our back drained

12.

My sad life.

Bonus:

Despite originally thinking that Adele's "Hello" would be a great way to reconnect with facebook friends you haven't talked to in forever, I was wrong. Don't do this because they will ignore you and you will hate yourself more for listening to Adele's entire album.