2. EJ Johnson is the son of basketball legend Earvin “Magic” Johnson.
4. EJ Johnson drinks champagne that costs more than what you owe in student loans.
“Sallie Mae? I don’t know her, but she sounds like a basic bitch.” — EJ Johnson
6. He is as benevolent as he is fabulous, taking time to pose with his loyal subjects.
7. Is your scalp feeling a bit drafty? That’s because EJ Johnson breezed through the room and snatched every one of your edges.
It’s so cold in the D.
8. EJ Johnson wears capes adorned with actual authentic woolly mammoth fur.
Do you know how much wooly mammoth fur costs?? They don’t even make wooly mammoths anymore.
9. EJ Johnson hired someone to carry the hem of the garment, lest his glow be smudged.
He pays her with his discarded eyelashes, and she is grateful.
10. Here is EJ Johnson on a private jet to Treasure Island or whatever fabulous place that private jets go.
11. EJ Johnson had to strangle someone who was too slow to bow in his presence, but he was like “But first, let’s take a selfie.”
13. If you look up and can’t find your life, EJ Johnson probably has it in a bag that has a higher credit score than you do.
14. “On a scale of 1-10, how honored are you to be in my presence right now?” asks EJ Johnson.
“All of the numbers,” answered the man.