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The 23 Stages Of Shopping At A Mall Alone On A Saturday
It's not safe out there.
Ah yes, Saturday. We meet again. Today seems like an excellent day to get some shopping done. Alone.
This is great. Life is beautiful. I'm loving this alone time.
OMG THERE IS NO PARKING. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE HERE. DON'T THEY HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO.
Okay. I lost my cool for a minute there, but I'm better now. Here I come, shopping mall!
Okay here I am. In the store -- Oh no, why is that employee waving at me like that? Avoid eye contact.
Dear sales associate stop asking me if I'm "looking for something special". I'M JUST BROWSING, OKAY? IS THAT OKAY?
Please, Nordstrom employees, stop stalking me. I just want to be alone with the clothes.
I finally found something. NOW I would like to be helped by someone.
I've been in here for a total of two minutes and NO YOU MAY NOT COME IN HERE TO SEE HOW THESE PANTS FIT. NONONO.
Why did I come to this place?
I am ready to make a purchase. OMG. That is the longest line I have ever seen in my life.
Cashier, stop trying to bully me into applying for a store credit card. I have said no seven times already.
Are you still talking about the credit card? FINE. If you'll stop talking I'll apply for the credit card.
What? You want to know my annual income? HAHAHAHA.
Oh, I didn't qualify? YOU DON'T SAY.
Oh no. No. No. No. No. CONTROL YOUR CHILD.
FOOD COURT. FOOD COURT. FOOD COURT.
I totally don't mind eating alone in this large and loud food court.
Ugh, the kid at the table next to me won't stop staring. I AM ENJOYING A DAY AT THE MALL ALONE BY CHOICE OKAY.
OMG. I see someone I know. AVOID. AVOID. AVOID.
Stop looking at me, kiosk guy. NO, I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE SELLING. YES, I KNOW I HAVE BEAUTIFUL HAIR.
THAT IS IT. I AM LEAVING.
Finally. I am home. I am safe. And I will never go outside again.
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