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What Estate Agents Say Vs. What They Really Mean

"Some work needed."

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"Early viewing recommended" - it's gone already

"An exciting opportunity has arisen" - in shock news, we have a house available

"Up-and-coming area" - might not be horrible in a decade's time

"Increasingly popular area" - horrible, but lots of people are as desperate as you

"Popular area" - you can't afford to live here

"Sought-after location" - only Russian oligarchs can afford to live here

"Borders on X" - don't tell people you live in X if you ever want them to find your house

"Deceptively spacious" - not spacious

"Cosy" - really not spacious

"Perfectly sized" - humans can barely fit in this

"Bijou" - humans cannot fit in this

"Compact" - cats cannot fit in this

"Charming" - doesn't have stairs

"Quaint" - doesn't have windows

"Rustic" - doesn't have a roof

"Authentic" - is made of mud and straw

"Unique" - does not comform with the laws of physics

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"Easy access into the city" - it's not in the city

"An extensive range of shopping facilites nearby" - there's a Tesco Metro, a newsagents, and a laundrette you'll never use

"A substantial double fronted detached house" - it is a detached house

"An exceptional period conversion flat" - it is an old flat

"A well presented two double bedroom maisonette" - it's an expensive flat so we're trying to make this sound classy

"Superb lounge" - it has a lounge

"It has a wonderful flowing entertaining space" - I'm basically just talking crap now

"Fully fitted kitchen" - good news, you won't need to provide your own sink

"WC / bathroom" - there's a toliet, but we call it a WC because it makes it sound slightly more upmarket than just us saying the word toilet

"The development is located minutes away from this incredible city attraction" - you will visit the attraction twice, even though you can see it every time you sit on the WC / toilet

"The flat has an open day" - you will have less than an hour to purchase this house, otherwise it will be gone forever and your dreams will lie in ruins

"Well presented" - they hoovered before you arrived

"Superbly presented" - they stuck some daffodils in a jug too

"A building full of character" - it was designed by MC Escher and decorated by a psychopath

"A building with a lot of history" - look at this dent, look at this dent, look at this dent, is that a bloodstain?

"This apartment has heating and carpets fitted" - we're running out of stuff to say about this flat so I am just listing stuff you normally find in a house

"Key deposit" - give us money

"Reservation fee" - give us money

"Administration paperwork fee" - give us £100 to do some photocopying or you're homeless

"This area's got a village-like atmosphere" - your mugger knows your name

"There's a real sense of community" - you know the junkies' names

"Plenty of amenities" - your cornershop has a cashpoint

"Good transport links" - there's a bus stop ten minutes walk away

"One bedroom flat" - I am a billionaire

"Studio flat" - bedsit

"Studio flat" - cupboard

"Studio flat" - a box where loneliness is your only friend

"Studio flat" - ahahahahahaha I hate you

"Studio flat" - look at me driving round in my shiny branded company car, bet I earn more in a month than you'll earn all year, in your FACE loser

"Split-level studio flat" - there's a bunk bed

"Mezzanine sleeping area" - shelf with a mattress

"Aspirational living" - we're ripping you off

"Riverside living" - we didn't say which river

"Waterfront apartment" - we think that's water in the canal

"Must be seen" - may not actually exist

"Recommended viewing" - the pictures are horrible, aren't they?

"New price" - wrong price last time

"Reasonable offers considered" - we're getting desperate

"Priced to sell" - I'm getting sacked if this doesn't sell

"Boasts" - has

"Benefits from" - has

"Comprises of" - has

"Convenient for local amenities" - inconvenient for everything else

"Easy to maintain" - it won't take long for you to vacuum the ten square feet of floor

"Great use of space" - no idea how they managed to fit a bed in there

"Three bedrooms" - two bedrooms and someone can sleep in the kitchen

"Original features" - nothing has ever been repaired

"Strong potential" - spend £100,000 on repairs and it might be habitable

"Would benefit from" - for some reason does not yet have

"Needs modernisation" - good luck if you expected plumbing

"Great scope for improvement" - like, you could add walls

"The opportunity to make this your own" - LOL there isn't actually a building at all

"Elegantly proportioned" - all the rooms are as small as each other

"Full of character" - full of mice

"Ideal for first-time buyers" - hahaha suckers

"Would suit" - this is not for the likes of you

"Garden flat" - basically a dungeon with some moss on a paving slab outside

"Minimalist" - basically a hollow shell

"Modernist" - the walls are at right angles

"Neoclassical" - no idea what this means but it sounds fancy

"Art deco" - nope, not a clue

"Rococo" - we just like the sound of this

"Bauhaus" - I've got one of their albums somewhere

"Well appointed" - yeah, we're just saying random words now

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