"Early viewing recommended" - it's gone already
"An exciting opportunity has arisen" - in shock news, we have a house available
"Up-and-coming area" - might not be horrible in a decade's time
"Increasingly popular area" - horrible, but lots of people are as desperate as you
"Popular area" - you can't afford to live here
"Sought-after location" - only Russian oligarchs can afford to live here
"Borders on X" - don't tell people you live in X if you ever want them to find your house
"Deceptively spacious" - not spacious
"Cosy" - really not spacious
"Perfectly sized" - humans can barely fit in this
"Bijou" - humans cannot fit in this
"Compact" - cats cannot fit in this
"Charming" - doesn't have stairs
"Quaint" - doesn't have windows
"Rustic" - doesn't have a roof
"Authentic" - is made of mud and straw
"Unique" - does not comform with the laws of physics
"Easy access into the city" - it's not in the city
"An extensive range of shopping facilites nearby" - there's a Tesco Metro, a newsagents, and a laundrette you'll never use
"A substantial double fronted detached house" - it is a detached house
"An exceptional period conversion flat" - it is an old flat
"A well presented two double bedroom maisonette" - it's an expensive flat so we're trying to make this sound classy
"Superb lounge" - it has a lounge
"It has a wonderful flowing entertaining space" - I'm basically just talking crap now
"Fully fitted kitchen" - good news, you won't need to provide your own sink
"WC / bathroom" - there's a toliet, but we call it a WC because it makes it sound slightly more upmarket than just us saying the word toilet
"The development is located minutes away from this incredible city attraction" - you will visit the attraction twice, even though you can see it every time you sit on the WC / toilet
"The flat has an open day" - you will have less than an hour to purchase this house, otherwise it will be gone forever and your dreams will lie in ruins
"Well presented" - they hoovered before you arrived
"Superbly presented" - they stuck some daffodils in a jug too
"A building full of character" - it was designed by MC Escher and decorated by a psychopath
"A building with a lot of history" - look at this dent, look at this dent, look at this dent, is that a bloodstain?
"This apartment has heating and carpets fitted" - we're running out of stuff to say about this flat so I am just listing stuff you normally find in a house
"Key deposit" - give us money
"Reservation fee" - give us money
"Administration paperwork fee" - give us £100 to do some photocopying or you're homeless
"This area's got a village-like atmosphere" - your mugger knows your name
"There's a real sense of community" - you know the junkies' names
"Plenty of amenities" - your cornershop has a cashpoint
"Good transport links" - there's a bus stop ten minutes walk away
"One bedroom flat" - I am a billionaire
"Studio flat" - bedsit
"Studio flat" - cupboard
"Studio flat" - a box where loneliness is your only friend
"Studio flat" - ahahahahahaha I hate you
"Studio flat" - look at me driving round in my shiny branded company car, bet I earn more in a month than you'll earn all year, in your FACE loser
"Split-level studio flat" - there's a bunk bed
"Mezzanine sleeping area" - shelf with a mattress
"Aspirational living" - we're ripping you off
"Riverside living" - we didn't say which river
"Waterfront apartment" - we think that's water in the canal
"Must be seen" - may not actually exist
"Recommended viewing" - the pictures are horrible, aren't they?
"New price" - wrong price last time
"Reasonable offers considered" - we're getting desperate
"Priced to sell" - I'm getting sacked if this doesn't sell
"Boasts" - has
"Benefits from" - has
"Comprises of" - has
"Convenient for local amenities" - inconvenient for everything else
"Easy to maintain" - it won't take long for you to vacuum the ten square feet of floor
"Great use of space" - no idea how they managed to fit a bed in there
"Three bedrooms" - two bedrooms and someone can sleep in the kitchen
"Original features" - nothing has ever been repaired
"Strong potential" - spend £100,000 on repairs and it might be habitable
"Would benefit from" - for some reason does not yet have
"Needs modernisation" - good luck if you expected plumbing
"Great scope for improvement" - like, you could add walls
"The opportunity to make this your own" - LOL there isn't actually a building at all
"Elegantly proportioned" - all the rooms are as small as each other
"Full of character" - full of mice
"Ideal for first-time buyers" - hahaha suckers
"Would suit" - this is not for the likes of you
"Garden flat" - basically a dungeon with some moss on a paving slab outside
"Minimalist" - basically a hollow shell
"Modernist" - the walls are at right angles
"Neoclassical" - no idea what this means but it sounds fancy
"Art deco" - nope, not a clue
"Rococo" - we just like the sound of this
"Bauhaus" - I've got one of their albums somewhere
"Well appointed" - yeah, we're just saying random words now