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    What Estate Agents Say Vs. What They Really Mean

    "Some work needed."

    "Early viewing recommended" - it's gone already

    "An exciting opportunity has arisen" - in shock news, we have a house available

    "Up-and-coming area" - might not be horrible in a decade's time

    "Increasingly popular area" - horrible, but lots of people are as desperate as you

    "Popular area" - you can't afford to live here

    "Sought-after location" - only Russian oligarchs can afford to live here

    "Borders on X" - don't tell people you live in X if you ever want them to find your house

    "Deceptively spacious" - not spacious

    "Cosy" - really not spacious

    "Perfectly sized" - humans can barely fit in this

    "Bijou" - humans cannot fit in this

    "Compact" - cats cannot fit in this

    "Charming" - doesn't have stairs

    "Quaint" - doesn't have windows

    "Rustic" - doesn't have a roof

    "Authentic" - is made of mud and straw

    "Unique" - does not comform with the laws of physics

    "Easy access into the city" - it's not in the city

    "An extensive range of shopping facilites nearby" - there's a Tesco Metro, a newsagents, and a laundrette you'll never use

    "A substantial double fronted detached house" - it is a detached house

    "An exceptional period conversion flat" - it is an old flat

    "A well presented two double bedroom maisonette" - it's an expensive flat so we're trying to make this sound classy

    "Superb lounge" - it has a lounge

    "It has a wonderful flowing entertaining space" - I'm basically just talking crap now

    "Fully fitted kitchen" - good news, you won't need to provide your own sink

    "WC / bathroom" - there's a toliet, but we call it a WC because it makes it sound slightly more upmarket than just us saying the word toilet

    "The development is located minutes away from this incredible city attraction" - you will visit the attraction twice, even though you can see it every time you sit on the WC / toilet

    "The flat has an open day" - you will have less than an hour to purchase this house, otherwise it will be gone forever and your dreams will lie in ruins

    "Well presented" - they hoovered before you arrived

    "Superbly presented" - they stuck some daffodils in a jug too

    "A building full of character" - it was designed by MC Escher and decorated by a psychopath

    "A building with a lot of history" - look at this dent, look at this dent, look at this dent, is that a bloodstain?

    "This apartment has heating and carpets fitted" - we're running out of stuff to say about this flat so I am just listing stuff you normally find in a house

    "Key deposit" - give us money

    "Reservation fee" - give us money

    "Administration paperwork fee" - give us £100 to do some photocopying or you're homeless

    "This area's got a village-like atmosphere" - your mugger knows your name

    "There's a real sense of community" - you know the junkies' names

    "Plenty of amenities" - your cornershop has a cashpoint

    "Good transport links" - there's a bus stop ten minutes walk away

    "One bedroom flat" - I am a billionaire

    "Studio flat" - bedsit

    "Studio flat" - cupboard

    "Studio flat" - a box where loneliness is your only friend

    "Studio flat" - ahahahahahaha I hate you

    "Studio flat" - look at me driving round in my shiny branded company car, bet I earn more in a month than you'll earn all year, in your FACE loser

    "Split-level studio flat" - there's a bunk bed

    "Mezzanine sleeping area" - shelf with a mattress

    "Aspirational living" - we're ripping you off

    "Riverside living" - we didn't say which river

    "Waterfront apartment" - we think that's water in the canal

    "Must be seen" - may not actually exist

    "Recommended viewing" - the pictures are horrible, aren't they?

    "New price" - wrong price last time

    "Reasonable offers considered" - we're getting desperate

    "Priced to sell" - I'm getting sacked if this doesn't sell

    "Boasts" - has

    "Benefits from" - has

    "Comprises of" - has

    "Convenient for local amenities" - inconvenient for everything else

    "Easy to maintain" - it won't take long for you to vacuum the ten square feet of floor

    "Great use of space" - no idea how they managed to fit a bed in there

    "Three bedrooms" - two bedrooms and someone can sleep in the kitchen

    "Original features" - nothing has ever been repaired

    "Strong potential" - spend £100,000 on repairs and it might be habitable

    "Would benefit from" - for some reason does not yet have

    "Needs modernisation" - good luck if you expected plumbing

    "Great scope for improvement" - like, you could add walls

    "The opportunity to make this your own" - LOL there isn't actually a building at all

    "Elegantly proportioned" - all the rooms are as small as each other

    "Full of character" - full of mice

    "Ideal for first-time buyers" - hahaha suckers

    "Would suit" - this is not for the likes of you

    "Garden flat" - basically a dungeon with some moss on a paving slab outside

    "Minimalist" - basically a hollow shell

    "Modernist" - the walls are at right angles

    "Neoclassical" - no idea what this means but it sounds fancy

    "Art deco" - nope, not a clue

    "Rococo" - we just like the sound of this

    "Bauhaus" - I've got one of their albums somewhere

    "Well appointed" - yeah, we're just saying random words now