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    Posted on Jul 28, 2016

    What Will Go Wrong Next In 2016?

    Yes, this year has sucked already. But how can it suck more?

    1. 4maksym/NASA/Thinkstock
      Correct! 
      Wrong! 

      It's goodbye Canada!

      In late October 2016, the world will wake up to find that everything between Alaska and Michigan just suddenly...isn't there any more. In retrospect, a close analysis of Justin Trudeau's public comments prior to the disappearance will suggest that he was hinting at the vanishing several weeks in advance.

    2. danielfela/Thinkstock
      Correct! 
      Wrong! 

      It's President Trump!

      Freaked the fuck out by the large, shallow, faintly glowing ocean where Canada used to be, fearful citizens of the USA turn to a strongman leader in November. Trump – whose slogan "Make America Not Mysteriously Vanish" resonates with a nervous population – eventually wins with 51.88% of the national vote.

    3. hxdyl/Thinkstock
      Correct! 
      Wrong! 

      In September, Bay inks a six picture deal to be set in the Hundred Acre Wood Cinematic Universe (aka the "Poohniverse").

      Bay promises that the first film, Pooh: Origins, will be "a gritty, high-octane thrill ride that updates this beloved classic for a modern audience." Bay will direct two further films – Pooh: Rise Of The Woozles and Pooh: Heffalump Dawn – and executive produce three films in a spin-off Kanga franchise. Liam Hemsworth is in talks to play Christopher Robin.

    4. liorpt/Thinkstock
      Correct! 
      Wrong! 

      It's just ceaseless economic decline from here on in!

      There is a brief burst of hope in mid October, when Canadian premiere Justin Trudeau signals that the UK will be "at the front of the queue" for a favourable trade deal with Canada. "Yep, uhuh, we're gonna get right on that trade deal with you guys," he says, stifling a burst of giggles, "just got one or two things to, eh... sort out first." Canada vanishes off the face of the planet nine days later.

    5. ClaudioVentrella/Thinkstock
      Correct! 
      Wrong! 

      In late August, a major seismic event snaps Italy off at the Alps.

      The out-of-control country drifts erratically through the Mediterranean for several months, prompting fears that winter storms may drive it onto the Libyan coast. It eventually comes to rest wedged in the Strait of Gibraltar, forming a land bridge between Spain and Morocco. Meanwhile, the newly coastal Switzerland starts leaking into the sea, creating a vast fondue slick that causes an unprecedented ecological disaster.

    6. phive2015/Thinkstock
      Correct! 
      Wrong! 

      Observers predict that the meteor will strike Earth on New Year's Eve 2016, potentially causing civilisation-threatening destruction.

      "Weirdly," report the scientists who first sighted the meteor, "it appears to be exactly the same shape and size as Canada."

    7. scyther5/Thinkstock
      Correct! 
      Wrong! 

      "Historygate" or "Pornageddon", as it becomes known, causes the fundamental breakdown of much of society.

      In addition to the hundreds of thousands of people forced to explain to their relatives why they Googled 27 variants of "wet shirt Piers Morgan" at 3am, the geopolitical ramifications are huge. Especially after it is revealed that President Elect Trump's search history includes the phrases "can president sell white house", "can president make army work in his hotels", "can president ban elections", and "constitution very clever loophole".

    8. LeventKonuk/Thinkstock
      Correct! 
      Wrong! 

      You think things are really beginning to look up in September when that guy Tyler calls you back. He seems pretty cool!

      But within weeks, you're beginning to wonder. There's something about his manner that seems... wrong. He has dangerous eyes and cruel lips and he's always trying to pressure you into coming on holiday with him. "Hey," he says with an urgency that seems unneccessary, "let's book a trip to Canada." "But I was saving my money for a surfing trip to the Swiss coast next spring," you protest. "No," he insists. "Canada. It has to be Canada. Soon." Eventually, it all gets too much when he turns up outside your work one day in a van and says he's leaving for Canada right now. No, you say. You want some space, you say, some time apart to think things over and maybe get through a week without any arguments about the cost of accomodation in Toronto. "Fine," he says, and drives off. Months later, you still think about him all the time. Every minute of the day, you wonder where he is. After the vanishing of Canada, you became obsessed, stalking his Facebook page for signs of activity, lurking around all his old hangouts in the hope of catching a glimpse of him (maybe he never made it? Maybe a Mountie turned him away at the border?). It consumes your waking hours. You lose your job. Your life falls to pieces. You're still thinking of him on New Year's Eve, as a noise of thunder tears the world apart and the sky burns bright white, blinding you instantly, rendering you incapable of ever seeing Michael Bay's Pooh: Origins. As the meteor slams into the ground, the last picture seared onto your now-useless retinas is an image of Tyler, riding a moose, laughing a carefree laugh with his thin, cruel lips.

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