47 Things That Annoy The Fuck Out Of Everyone From Birmingham
So what if we like our vowels flat?
1. When non-Brummies say that our accent is annoying.
2. And when those same people mock the Brum accent by doing an unconvincing Black Country accent.
3. Or worse, make a bad attempt at an Ozzy Osbourne impersonation by shouting “Sha-RON” repeatedly.
4. Dim-witted Brummie stereotypes in old TV shows. Thanks a lot, Benny from Crossroads and Barry from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet.
5. When you arrange to meet your mates at The Bull and end up sitting alone in a pub while they’re all standing by a statue in the Bullring.
6. Or worse: when you’re by the statue and they’re in the pub. And it’s raining.
7. Jumping on a clockwise number 11 bus when you should have gone anti-clockwise.
8. When you drunkenly fall asleep on the last cross-city train home and wake up in Redditch or Lichfield.
9. Or your cross-city train is cancelled due to the wrong type of leaf on the track.
10. When you find that one, desperately lonely, free-to-use cash machine in Digbeth and it’s all out of money.
11. Passively-toking a lungful of weed as you walk across Pigeon Park.
12. Forever getting confused between The Pavilions and Pallasades shopping centres.
13. Not knowing which one turned into Grand Central.
14. Walking along Broad Street on a Friday or Saturday night whilst really, really sober.
15. The way the Birmingham Mail insist on calling the Broad Street crowd “revellers” even though they rarely eat chocolate coated sweets.
16. And when that takeaway you went to last night appears in a Birmingham Mail article about restaurants rated zero for hygiene.
17. Cillian Murphy’s accent in Peaky Blinders.
18. Non-Brummies who think we all go around dressed up like characters from Peaky Blinders.
19. Brummies who actually dress up like characters from Peaky Blinders.
20. The fact that Peaky Blinders was shot on location in Manchester and Liverpool.
21. When TV shows that are actually shot on location in Brum pretend to be set in London.
22. And when your commute is delayed due to some Hollywood big shot filming a post-apocalyptic sci-fi movie in the Jewellery Quarter.
23. When people from other places call a cob a “batch” or a “barm”.
24. And give us grief about the way we spell “mom”.
25. Or when they don’t know what a “gambol” is.
26. When that band you really want to see is playing somewhere down south and somewhere up north but nowhere in between.
27. When people outside Birmingham fail to recognise that ELO’s "Mr. Blue Sky" is the greatest pop song ever written.
28. When you’ve got a world famous, ass-kicking library that can’t afford to stay open late.
29. Those condescending articles in the national press where London journalists seem genuinely shocked that Brum is a fun and vibrant place.
30. The fact that TV travelogue Coast continues to ignore us.
31 Every time you’re confronted by hordes of people with clipboards on Colmore Row.
32. Non-Brummies making snide comments about the recent performance of our city’s football teams.
33. The recent performance of our city’s football teams.
34. When you reluctantly agree to go for one quiet drink on a school night and end up dancing into the wee small hours at PRYZM.
35. Or when you accidentally wear your brand-new white trainers to Snobs.
36. When people pretend to live in a posher neighbouring area.
37. That time Angela from Cold Feet described Manchester as “England’s second-largest city”. No, Angela from Cold Feet, you’re wrong.
38. When Birmingham is described as a “concrete jungle” or “industrial wasteland” despite having 571 parks and over 14 square miles of public open space.
39. The noticeably off-centre sign at the top of the Wesleyan Building.
40. Queuing for the escalators at the Bullring on a Saturday afternoon like it’s the most anticlimactic Alton Towers ride ever.
41. People walking up the wrong side of The Ramp and expecting you to get out of their way.
42. When the Christmas Market crowds force you to take a five mile detour just to get across New Street.
43. Trying to get from Victoria Square to Centenary Square on foot now the area in between is a massive demolition site called “Paradise”, of course.
44. Getting lost in the Oasis Market despite being a regular customer for years.
45. Trying to get your car out of the Red Cage carpark on a Saturday afternoon at the same time as everyone else.
46. When the tabloids once again publish that fake news story about Birmingham City Council banning Christmas in the '90s.