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1. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
2. I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
3. The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
4. My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
5. I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
6. Take my wife - please!
7. My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!"
8. Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
9. A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy." The man says, "I want a second opinion!" The doctor says, "Okay, you're ugly too!"
10. A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
11. A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"
12. A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
13. My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
14. The room at my hotel is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
15. A patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." The doctor says, "Then don't do that!"
16. I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
17. Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
18. A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
19. "What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"
20. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
please visit the Kickstarter for Take My Life, Please! and help share this story about one of America's foundational comedians with the world!
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/355580188/take-my-life-please
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