7 Types Of Online Holiday Shoppers

People be shopping online, specifically these types of people.

1. The Noob

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They've been shopping the same way since the '90s, but now it's 2020. Whereas they used to rely on the advice of teenagers wincing through the boredom of their retail job, now they have to pour through reviews from faceless people who call themselves "GopherTom" or "jenny399029804938098." This person will realize way too late that they did not in fact purchase any of their online items; they merely sent it to something called "their cart."

2. The Tab Collector

The idea, in theory, was when they saw something that looks like a PERFECT gift, they'd simply keep the tab open in their browser and get around to it later. Well, later comes in the form of the week of Dec. 13, and now this person has hundreds of tabs to sift through and no idea who to give what to.

3. The Reviewer Reviewer

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This person is part astronomer and part interrogator, seeking truth in the stars assigned a product and anecdotal incidents written by anonymous liars. Sure, username "BryanbyAerosmith" gave these blue-light protection glasses one star, but also, this person has a record of taking out his frustrations with their local mailman on the review. At the very least, "BryanbyAerosmith" is less trustworthy than the always honorable "potatomomma."

4. The Reviewer

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Above: An artist's interpretation of Reviewers, as no one has ever actually seen one in person.

What sort of person purchases an item, uses that item, and weeks later remembers to write a thorough analysis of that item? Have you ever met someone who enjoys doing this? No one has. We don't know much about their culture, and what little we do know is scribed in meandering anecdotes about vacuum cleaners. But from we can tell, Reviewers have a lot of free time and a lot more opinions.

5. The Always Returner

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It's hard to tell if this person is very particular about what they want or just loves mailing things. It seems, to this person, if there is the slightest discrepancy with a received item and its description on the website, it is absolutely worth it and necessary to find a box that fits the thing, stand in line at the post office (which is a place they delight in), and send it back, instead of just going "oh well" and dealing with it.

6. The Never Returner

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On the other end of the spectrum is the Never Returner. This person has very thoroughly internalized our country's "buyer beware" culture. If they receive a defective item, to them, it is Economics punishing them for the original sin of "shopping." Either that or they just don't ever feel like going to the post office.

7. The Box Sender

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Oh, so you've invited a family member over for the holidays? Would you mind if they send you their presents to your address? Could you use a significant portion of your home to store the delivered boxes of presents this year? This person surely means well. Heck, some of these presents are for you! But as the boxes pile up in your foyer, you can't help but feel that person listing your place as the delivery address was an act of territorial war.

All images courtesy Getty Images