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1. Driving
WHY, oh WHY when a character drives a car, is it necessary to jerk the wheel back and forth? This doesn't make the driving realistic. It makes it impossible to believe. I've missed many important moments in a show - whole dialogues, even - while staring at the steering wheel swerve back and forth as the vehicle moves in a straight path. It's almost hypnotic. Maybe I've been brainwashed. The fact that they are horrible drivers, but firmly grasp the wheel at 10 & 2 is just remarkable.
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2. Laugh Tracks
I'm only going to laugh at what I find funny. Canned laughter at a point where the creators WANT me to laugh isn't gonna work. Furthermore, it's always the same laughter over and over. Surely they can scrape together a few different tracks and mix it up. And WHAT is with the one person who's obnoxious laugh is a bit louder than everyone else's and lasts for a few uncomfortable seconds too long?
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3. Misunderstandings
or perhaps this should just be called "Three's Company Syndrome." I have NEVER seen so many misunderstandings between 3 (or 6 if we're counting Larry and the Ropers) people in my LIFE. WHAT. Janet reads an advice column and thinks Jack and Chrissy are having an affair. Jack overhears Chrissy talking about a puppy and assumes she's pregnant. Wait. That was an episode of What's Happening. Doesn't matter. Bottom line: why not just ASK and clear it all up? These people are best friends, roommates, family members. Is it REALLY too personal to ASK? It wasn't too personal to eavesdrop or snoop through a diary! However, I guess that would be too simple, leaving me with no show to watch and nothing to raise my blood pressure.
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4. Perpetual Gag
Speaking of one show running with the same gag for almost every episode, how about I Love Lucy? How can you have a show about a person forever trying to...get into a show? Dammit Ricky Ricardo, I'm talking to YOU! Lucy is your WIFE. She's finagled her way into many of your shows and it's always a success. Stop being so effing stingy with the spotlight and hook your wife up with a damn part.
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5. Jobs
that the characters rarely go to. Ahem, "FRIENDS". I don't care what kind of rent control you have. You live in one of the most expensive cities in the country. Get off the Central Perk couches and take your asses to work! You too, Dr. and Mrs. Huxtable, A doctor and a lawyer who are always home? How can that be? Stop playing make believe with Theo and go to work! How do you find the time to stage out a whole script and assign each member a role, just to make that boy understand what it's like to live in the real world? Gtfooh! Toss him out the damn house at 18 like the rest of us. He'll figure it out - and quickly, too, if he's roaming the cold streets of Brooklyn.
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6. Amnesia
Is that even a real condition? Character gets knocked in the head. Forgets everybody and everything. Somehow gets knocked in the head again, and all is well. Is that all it takes? Fuck a hospital. If you or anyone you know suffers from amnesia, call ME. 555-8493. Bring your own hammer. I'll cure you with a swift blow to the head, and even throw in a few Advil for the low price of $14.99. Non negotiable.
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7. Locked In A Meat Freezer
or basement, attic, closet, etc. It happens to the best of them. The show's biggest archenemies locked into a cold, dark place for 20 minutes. They argue. They reminisce. They laugh, Maybe even shed a few tears. They see past each other's faults. They GET one another now...but as soon as they're freed, all that shit is tossed out the window. The whole thing never happened.
Don't get me started on the trapped in an elevator with a pregnant woman bit. -
8. The Revolving Front Door
Apparently, doors don't lock in TV Land. Why is the neighbor/friend always barging in without knocking? It's even worse when that person is an annoying ass like Steve Urkel or Kimmy Gibbler. Lock the damn door. Problem solved. Bruh Man from the fifth floor? You can climb down my fire escape all you want, but I'll be damned if you sneak in through MY open window to steal a sandwich!
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9. Watching TV
When the gang all gathers around the TV Set, the camera is placed where the TV would be. Yes, I know it's for filming purposes. No, I don't care. What the hell does the other side of the Bundy's living room look like? What kind of TV is it? A floor model? Wood paneled? The world will never know. Do NOT tell me it's the studio audience. Why would a studio audience be chilling on the other side of the Huxtable's living room?
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10. Famous Guest Star
There's always one episode when a HUGE star appears on a show under the premise that they're an old friend or cousin of a main characters. They NEVER mention the star before! Of course, after the episode, they disappear and are never mentioned again. Even worse is when a celebrity shows up for some odd reason. If Jay-Z ran into the back of my car, I doubt I'd be chilling with him in his studio afterward, or offering him coffee while he lounges on my couch. Actually, I'd be in a neck brace on a stretcher in the back of an ambulance, with a lawyer on my cell(don't blame me. This is America!) Unless, of course, it was Johnny Depp. Johnny could chill on my couch forever. I wonder if he'd let me call him that? Or just plain John?
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11. Talking On The Phone
I know no one is REALLY on the other end of the line, but work with me here. First off, the character, whether placing or receiving the call picks up automatically on the first ring, and launches into conversation. The "person" on the other end would NEVER have enough time to say everything that is supposed to have been said in the 2 second pause while the actor "listens". The head nodding is another killer. Unless we're talking about an episode of "The Jetsons" (which I am NOT) the person on the line can't see you nod your head in agreement, Sitcom Actor. Why bother? Last, the goodbye. It's rare for a phone conversation to end with a "goodbye". It's always "uh huh", "okay," "great," or "I'll be right over!"...then CLICK. How rude.
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12. Playing Video Games
In the same vein as the overused steering wheel, the tv kids play video games like maniacs. What game are they playing that involves every button on the controller to be mashed repeatedly and simultaneously? And those 1980's Atari sound effects! I get it if I'm watching a rerun of a show FROM the 80s...but why in the hell is a Playstion 2/3 WHATEVER making the same sounds that would come from an 8-bit Atari cartridge?
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13. Filmed Before A Live Studio Audience
Am I reaching? YES. The whole freaking list is a reach. Why stop now? Anyway, it bothers me. It's not being broadcasted live to my televison. I don't get to see the bloopers. Is there a particular reason why I would need to know this? Who cares!
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Does anyone have any Klonopin?
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