The Completely Inaccurate Guide To... Beagles

Thinking of becoming a Beagle owner? Of course you are! Here's why you might want to reconsider...

1. The Constant Barrage of Attention Seeking

Thomas Gilder / Via Twitter: @itsnotmadeup

When you're a husband, parent AND a beagle owner, going to work is the sanctuary for today's modern man - the guilt trip roadshow from home sponsored by Maximus the Beagle is exactly what you need to help you focus on that presentation you're trying to finish for 17:30...

2. Beagle's have never seen The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Thomas Gilder / Via Twitter: @itsnotmadeup

'Don't go into the long grass!!' shouts the sensible dude who has some foresight, imagined velociraptors eating him in his wildest dreams and decides he wants to make it home... Beagle's don't care about you, and they especially don't care about your safety!

3. Flight of The Beagle

Thomas Gilder / Via Twitter: @itsnotmadeup

Even in puppy form, the ears of this beast equate to wingspan of a 747. It's a slightly breezy day, your main man is on his lead... then a gust of win provides sufficient lift to carry you 4 miles down a river whilst your adorable pup gives you the innocent eyes like it's not his fault. It is!

4. But they're sooo cute when they're sleeping...

Thomas Gilder / Via Twitter: @itsnotmadeup

...they're plotting your demise. Maximus perches himself with a precise pivot point so his head (and those damn puppy eyes) can, at a moments notice, see everything in the room (and even out the living room window). Make one false move and he's eating your favourite shoes.

5. They've seen many Rocky films...

Thomas Gilder / Via Twitter: @itsnotmadeup

'Oi! Swan! Yeah, you, you beaky pr!ck...' They bait other animals, birds especially. You're having a lovely walk in a country park and then the Queen's glorified ducks decide it's time to start a fight. Why? The furry b@stard you see before you.

6. Fantastic with Children!

Thomas Gilder

So long as you keep them in a crate, but; more importantly, as long as they're asleep!

7. Battle-hardened with predatory instincts

Thomas Gilder

A little known fact about Beagle's... They aren't born. They are created. Created by the Royal Marine Commando's - undergoing 8-12 weeks of rigorous training in the hell of Dartmoor, before arriving at your door. Max is demonstrating the 'pounce' pose. You may think 'he looks like he's just relaxing'... he isn't! He's prepared to attack!

8. But they are actually adorable!

Thomas Gilder

Only when they're sleeping - and it's still evil trickery from the mastermind that is Maximus Meridius Decimus, leaders of the army's of the Beagle.