Poppers, Pills & Pals: 15 Road Trip Essentials For Fussy Queens

It's time to start planning a June road trip with the girls--and by "girls," I mean your gay boy best friends/sister wives. Let's Too Wong Foo it up, y'all!

1. Travel Companions

s3-ak.buzzfeed.com

You must be careful when selecting friends to travel in the car with you for an extended amount of time. There’s only room for one boss bitch on the trip, so the other(s) should be relatively passive, yet chatty, and not prone to grouchiness. Pleasers are the best. Introverts are boring and just take up room, but they do defray costs. Note Whoopi's side-eye, as if to say, "crazy white woman I shouldn't have gotten in the car with."

2. Notarized Copy of Oprah's No Phone Zone Pledge

I actually signed one of these Oprah things years ago and then emailed it to my friends to like, hold me accountable or something, to which many responded, “oy,” and, “Zzzzz," but here and now, I renew my vow not to look at my phone while driving. Traveling Companion will text, Google, and Grind for me, but cannot show me Grindr profile photos until we are at a complete stop. We will play Aural Grindr, a game where Traveling Companion exchanges messages with the Grindee, performing aloud both sides of the dialogue, and based on the dialogue, the driver has to guess the age and stats of the Grindee.

3. Wired (or not) Headset

A wired phone-talking device in case Travel Companion conks out on you. So you can call that self-obsessed pal of yours who never asks you any questions, but one question from you keeps them speaking for sufficiently-entertaining 20 minute intervals. I like the standard Apple earphones with remote and mic. I don’t use Bluetooth headsets ‘cause they’re not dependable, they radiate your brain, and, of course, they look positively douchey. I actually think the subtler these Bluetooth ear-pieces attempt to appear, the stupider they look. If you’re gonna go wireless just go all the way with a full-on Madonna Blonde Ambition Tour headset 'cause you're on Holiday! Celebrate!

4. Comedy Albums

You will eventually tire of your Grindr games and iPod--I can only tolerate the manic mixture of Lil' Kim, Cat Power, Madonna, and Morrissey for so long. I’ve exhausted all my Sandra Bernhard and Paul Mooney albums, so I might allow one travel companion to turn on his beloved Kathy Griffin, and we’ll see how long I endure. Maybe we can compromise on Joan Rivers.

5. Car Trash Bag thingy

It's very grade school carpool maroon Toyota Previa, but this car trash bag thingy is water-proof, it stays in one spot (attached to a front seat headrest), and it usually prevents half-eaten Subway sandwich odors and Diet Coke can leakage. Or just attach a plastic grocery bag to the seat.

6. A Ventilated Panty

On the sweaty genital tip, powder is not enough when your junk is smooshed against your thighs all day in a car. If you wear underwear (and I recommend you do in this situation or else you’ll be strategically placing 0-ply McDonalds napkins), go to one of my favorite places to shop online: Sierra Trading Post. Major discounts on everything, always. Terramar Body-Sensors Ventilator Mesh briefs are my new favorite underwear. The polyester/spandex blend (which, contrary to popular belief, is better for sweat absorption and breathability than cotton) mesh material allows for airflow in the junkyard, and they have a nice cut. I hate a low-rise brief, but I don’t want a granny panty, either. These are a perfect medium, with the bonus of accentuating what is already a jaunty bottom (my ass) on a jaunty bottom (me).

7. Sleeping Bag Liner

Ever since the early 2000’s when ABC’s Primetime Live and 20/20 made it a joint effort to repulse viewers by waving a black-light over every inch of hotel rooms uncovering splatters of bodily fluids, and then taking cultures of bathroom surfaces to reveal shit disease everywhere, I remain leery of my next travel lodging. Ya know why they always have carpets in hotel rooms? They’re easy to fake clean. Bring some flip-flops. But most importantly, bring a sleeping bag liner to use in lieu of skin on sheet contact. Very comfy, only has your own bacteria, skin cells, and bodily fluids on it, and closes at the toes like any sleeping bag. [Cartoon Italian chef “muah” sound] Perfetto!

8. Multi-vitamins

Who really knows if vitamins work? Why buy the more expensive organic ones? Because the more expensive it is, the more likely it is to work, duh. I start popping these New Chapter Organics Every Man’s One Dailies (but feel free to take whichever multivitamin gender category you identify with) weeks before the road trip as a preventative measure, because being sick on a road trip will ruin everybody's time--I'll see to it. Placebo effect is totally acceptable.

9. Zicam

In case your $30 organic multivitamins and/or their placebo effect don’t pull through, and you get even a smidgen of a suggestion of a hint of a cold, you might as well tear off the child safety paper and punch out a Zicam Cold Remedy Homeopathic Rapid Melt every 4-to-6. Apparently, it’s just a high dose of two different kinds of zinc that tastes good and cherry-ish for the first, oh, six seconds, but is bitter and nasty for the duration (the above photo depicts my face during the melt). However, like a Wheatgrass shot, the sheer nastiness makes me think it’s doing something positive. Among Amazon.com’s suggested tags for Zicam: “homeopathic,” “cold remedy,” and “quackery.”

10. Afrin

Driving through different climates is guaranteed to fuck your nose up, which will make you intolerable just like the purple sweater bitch. One premature-baby-sized squirt of Afrin No Drip 12 Hour Pump Mist, Extra Moisturizing, and not ten seconds later, you will be breathing yogi-style, totally hollow if a little bit too much so. And, yes, I know you can’t use it for more than three nights in a row because you’ll develop a very boring, uneventful dependence/addiction that won’t even keep you thin.

**When you’ve met the three-night Afrin limit, opt for Sudafed, the kind you have to show your license to get.

11. Natural Deodorant

I like stink sometimes. I like my own stink sometimes and I like stink-on-guy sometimes. But in a confined space like the car, I prefer no scents. Natural Grooming by Herban Cowboy Maximum Strength Wild Deodorant is the only natural deodorant I have used that I find effective, and has a subtle, pleasant scent. Most importantly, it doesn’t have aluminum in it, because I have to believe that rubbing aluminum into your poriest pores where all your lymph nodes chill is not healthy in the long-run. The deodorant touts itself as vegan, and contains parsley, sage, and rosemary; so after you glide it onto your pits, feel free to grate some onto your ziti. (Tastes better than cashew cheese.)

12. Adderall

Before you get in a huff, I'm prescribed. Jealous much? I am ADD, ADHD, BVD, KiKiKi, PNP, HPV, and as a result, I need my FDA-approved meth to keep us gals on schedule.

13. Ambien

Also as prescribed by a medical professional. Good to have in case of bad hotel situation. Or stay up on it and enjoy the auditory and visual hallucinations, engage in seemingly lucid conversation that you will absolutely not remember the next morning or ever.

14. Weed

You’ll appreciate it after a long day driving and you’re on a bed at the Rodeway Inn watching Love and Hip-Hop reruns on VH-1. Moments after you kiss the world's most advanced portable vaporizer you will realize the profound cultural implications of the show. You’ll reflect on the day, the road trip, the strong bonds with your traveling companions, and you’ll be moved to apologize to your buddy for snapping at him when he threw away the last three bites of your Subway foot-long BLT (hold the L and the T).

15. Poppers

P I G S W E A T (I jest.)