People On Facebook Who Should Be Using Other Websites

There are a lot of pet peeves about people on Facebook. But some people are infuriating simply because they could alleviate their annoying-ness entirely just by using another website. Read on…

The Question Asker

Should be using: Google

Their status: ‘What is the weather in Crete like in April?’/ ‘Is Persil detergent non bio?’/‘Are there any wedding ring shops in Bath?’

They mean: ‘I’m going on holiday in April!’/‘I’m a good housewife!’/‘I’m getting married!’

This is a terribly unsubtle way of showing off, because if the writer genuinely wanted to know the answer to these things, they would just bloody look it up. Asking for personal recommendations is fine, asking questions that have a literal answer is not – because the subtext is basically ‘I could go and look up wedding ring shops in Bath on my own, but I’m not going to, because that would mean a missed opportunity for me to mention yet again that I’m engaged, if the photograph of the ring, the status update and the change in relationship status wasn’t enough to make you take notice.’ Equally, some questions are just mind numbingly dull. Do Argos deliver to Cheshunt? Why don’t you just call and ask them? Or ask your Mum? Good grief.

The Adult Websiter

Should be using: Well, look, let’s not list them all, but you get the idea

What they do: ‘So-and-so has liked a photograph from T!TS Daily!’

What they mean: I'd really like a girlfriend now.

These are the people who constantly ‘Like’ photographs that range from obscene jokes seemingly lifted from a shit Carry On Film, pictures of girls in wet bikinis, or just really basic photos of naked women. Now, come on. The internet is like 99% full of websites where you can show this kind of appreciation without old school friends/people you work with/people you’re related to knowing you’re doing it. And if you’re doing it because you’re a bit desperate and you genuinely think a girl might notice and think ‘well, he sounds like a lovely bloke, and he clearly likes the naked form, so maybe I’ll say hi,’ you’re sadly and ludicrously deluded, and you might as well start texting ‘hot sxc girls in your area’, which let’s face it, you probably already do.

The Photographer

Should be using: Instagram, Flickr etc

What they do: Upload 340 almost identical photographs of Wales in the snow. Or three photographs, all of a cake.

They mean: I took these photographs and now I want you to see how arty/interesting/creative/good at photography I am

Okay, firstly, if you want to upload 500 photos of scenery – or worse, your pets – do it on Flickr, because that’s designed for picture galleries, and you can always link it to your Mum or whoever it is you think will care. On the other hand, if you’ve taken a really good photo of a apple pie, put it on Instagram, and hashtag away to your heart’s content, and 8 people will like #momsapplepie, which is 8 more likes than you're going to get from your bored friends on Facebook. Facebook in my opinion is only for photographs of people or one off photographs of things a large number of people might find interesting. This never, ever includes your dinner.

The In Joker

Should be using: Whatsapp/email/a phone

They say: ‘Such a good night last night ;) frog face! LOL! Hats on fire! Haha didn’t see that one coming! @JaneBrown @RichardLee’

They mean: Haha look! I have friends! And we had fun! This means I’m v popular and cool, right?

This status will be liked by four people – the writer, who doesn’t realise that liking his own status is the opposite of cool; the two people tagged in the status, who feel awkwardly obliged; and an elderly relative who likes everything the writer does regardless of whether they understand it or not. One of the tag-ees might even make another in joke as a comment, which the writer will then ‘like’, as they all bask in their own hilarity. Nobody else knows what you’re talking about, and that doesn’t make them think you’re cool or popular – it makes them see you as an idiot who thinks the mere act of having friends who spend time with you is worth showing off about. If you genuinely do want to talk about how hilarious the night before was, do it with the only people who care – the ones who were actually there.

The Sports Commentator

Should be using: Sports forum/Talk sport etc

They say: ‘Kingsmill 10-1 to the Antes! Can’t believe they banned Peterson. A season defining decision…without even considering Milton’s actions! Shocked isn’t the word!’

They mean: I have no idea.

These statuses are sometimes about football/rugby but more often focus on a more obscure sport like F1 Juniors or horse races that aren’t the Grand National, and only one other bloke (often related to the writer, and potentially sitting in the same room as them, watching the same sporting event) will reply with an equally baffling comment, which will descend into an argument that nobody else understands. Often the writer will upload five or six statuses during one event, each more puzzling than the last, the first with two likes, all the others with zero. Why are they doing it? Who are they talking to? Wouldn’t it be better to go on the specifically designed websites for people who want to talk about these sports? Or even comment on an online newspaper article about it? Anything, really, rather than inflict it on people who once saw you as a normal person and now see you as a raving fanatic? Just a suggestion.

The Philosopher

Should be using: Pinterest, Tumblr

What they do: Upload endless photographs of a girl standing in the sea with a quote over her head saying something that Marilyn Monroe once said. Or worse, make it their status.

What they mean: I am deep and interesting.

OK, great, YOLO. I like life affirming quotes as much as the next person - I just find them a little jarring in amongst statuses about what Anchorman 2 was like and people complaining about the weather. It's not that there's anything wrong with this sort of behaviour, but if you're doing it excessively on Facebook then...you're in the wrong place!