The 7 Types Of People To Avoid At Coachella This Year

The charm of music festivals is that they draw in a ridiculously diverse crowd of people who are all way too high to judge each other, and the magical feeling of acceptance and joy is borderline intoxicating. But don’t let all the hippie-drippy love and sunshine blind you to the fact that you are, at your core, a hater. We’re here to judge other people, not “have fun,” so stay away from the following people:

1.

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Flower Hair Girls

I don’t know where they get those strings of daisies that they wear like a crown, but some botanical garden somewhere has taken a huge hit. I know what you’re saying: “if I avoid the girls with the flowers in their hair, it’ll only be dudes.” But just try to stay away, because otherwise you’ll suddenly find yourself wearing bleached cut-off jean shorts and trying to find gum to help Becky’s lockjaw.

2.

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Those Huge Shirtless Guys

These guys haven’t eaten anything but creatine for days, and you can guarantee that their Camelbak is filled with muscle milk. Yes, unlike me and my puny hipster physique, they can carry you around on their shoulders so you can be one of the six people who actually gets to see the stage. But their mountainous bodies are only trumped by their mountainous douchey-ness, and all their sweat is going to leave a huge wet spot on the butt of your cut-off jean shorts (also, did you ever find Becky’s gum?) And really, how many times do we need to hear about how hard Afrojack melted their face?

3.

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Anyone Wearing Jeans

This is a desert, crammed with tens of thousands of dancing people. It’s unbearably hot. If you care enough about your appearance that you’re wearing jeans, your character is immediately suspect, and you’ll most likely talk about how every show is inferior to that one time Ratatat supposedly played at your friend’s house party. This jeans-wearing monster will spend an hour looking for a Pabst tent, only to find that there isn’t one, and he/she will, without a doubt, say that it’s because of gentrification.

4.

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Someone With A Selfie-Stick

This advice generally applies to everyone everywhere at all times, but stay away. Come on.

5.

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Furry Boot EDM Girls

I don’t know what those boots are called, but they should be a red flag to you. Yes, it’s hard to avoid a girl wearing nothing but boots and pasties, especially because they brought all the gum that Becky so desperately needs, but these girls are chock-full of amphetamines, will never leave the Sahara tent, and there’s something suspicious about how their makeup stays on after sweating for nine hours straight. I don’t trust their cosmetics, I don’t trust their boots, and I certainly don’t need to follow them around waiting to get “my Bassnectar fix.”

6.

Los Angeles Times Brian van der Brug / Via Google

Security

BAD. Anyone who decides that it’s their business to control and govern a mob of thousands of high people either has ego coming out their ears, or a sense of fun so stunted that they probably think kittens and puppies are a nuisance. Their high khaki shorts and bright yellow shirt make them easy to spot, so stay away.

7.

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Anyone Who Is Passed Out

A.K.A.: Becky. Maybe the lockjaw got too real, maybe she thought the water bottles with vodka were the water bottles with real water, or maybe she walked past the stage where 2 Chainz was playing and the weed cloud was too lethal – but that girl who is dead asleep next to the sound booth does not need your help. Trust me, there’s a legion of flower-haired girls keeping tabs on her, and any well-meaning attempt to help her will simply disrupt their system. They have a beefy shirtless dude to carry her back to their tent, and a fresh pack of gum waiting for her.

If you follow my foolproof system, you will have systematically avoided everyone you deem lesser than you, and you will find yourself in Hater Heaven: alone, judging, and bored.

You're welcome.