5 Times Canadian UFOs Were Too Fucking Real

We might not have Mulder and Scully, but what Canada lacks in hot brooding extraterrestrial enthusiasts and spunky red-headed scientists with unidentifiable electronic chips in their necks it makes up for in frequent UFO sightings and government cover-up conspiracies. It's basically our national motto: "Canada - come for the maple syrup and stay for the weird sky shit." Here are five our best alien stories!

1. That Time Aliens Attacked Northern Ontario

youtube.com

Picture this: you're just sitting outside on your deck, enjoying a cold beer and watching moose cavort in a nearby field or whatever else it is people in rural Canada do for fun, and out of nowhere you notice three very legit alien ships in the sky. What do you do? The only correct answer is, of course, pull out your phone and start filming the coming alien apocalypse.

YouTuber 1puglife, known for such classic videos as "How To Polish A Turd," "What To Do When The Cops Smell Weed" and "Oh Great My Shit's Dicked" found himself in just such a position last summer.

"There's three orbs in the sky, eh?" he says, training the camera on three small glowing dots. This is soon followed by: "They've spotted me. They're coming to get my anus."

His chilling final words? "We're under attack, boys. Son of a dick."

I'm happy to report that there have been several videos uploaded to the channel since this one. I can only assume that if the aliens did, in fact, abduct 1puglife, they seem to have returned him safely back to earth.

2. That Time Nova Scotia's Shag Harbour Found An Extraterrestrial Claim To Fame

Maybe the aliens were time-travellers from 1997 who had watched Austin Powers one too many times and thought "Shag Harbour" was the name of some kind of sexy-times resort, or else maybe they were just looking for cheap lobster. Whatever the case may be, residents of Shag Harbour, Nova Scotia, are pretty sure they experienced a UFO fly-by in October of 1967 - and they're really into it. Not only do they have a week-long yearly UFO festival - including a parade, a movie night, and an alien-themed fashion show - they also have a museum with its very own alien fetus floating around in a glass jar! Can you say best Canadian road trip ever?

3. That Time A UFO Came To Manitoba And All They Did Was Give It A Cute Nickname

From February 1975 to April 1976 the province of Manitoba was plagued by a series of visits from a glowing red UFO. Locals named the object "Charlie Redstar," which frankly sounds like the name of an exotic dancer who does a routine where she starts of dressed as Leon Trotsky and ends wearing nothing but a pair of red pasties and panties with the hammer and sickle on them, but I digress.

Charlie was seen by several reputable groups of people including "three drunk youths at a party" and "a farmer walking to his barn" (no disrespect meant to farmers, they're just not who I would go to for any astronomy questions I might have). One time a film crew even captured footage of "a light at the end of the road" which I'm sure was of extraterrestrial origin and not, like, oh I don't know literally anything else it could have been.

But wait, there's more! In July of 1975 a farmer in Halbstadt, Manitoba, discovered a crop circle in his sugar beet field. And some of the soil near sightings was found to be radioactive. So maybe there really is something to this Charlie Redstar story after all. Or maybe there's a totally scientific explanation for everything, but sadly for you I am the opposite of a scientist.

Several sightings of Charlie Redstar also involved a smaller UFO, which Manitobans named Little Charlie because I guess farmers have poor imaginative skills.

4. That Time Our Government Was Definitely Not Up To Something Sketchy

On the night of January 25th, 2010, there were multiple sightings of a UFO in Harbour Mills, Newfoundland. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police responded to the reports by stating that the lights in the sky were from a missile launch, then mysteriously retracted that statement. Then Prime Minister Stephen "Not A Robot Overlord" Harper got in on the act and said the UFOs definitely weren't missiles.

This story totally seems 100% credible and not like some kind of government cover-up. In other news, the Prime Minister also denies having a man who hangs out in his office chain-smoking and mooning over a picture of Teena Mulder.

5. That Time Canada's Former Defence Minister Went On Russian Television And Said That Aliens Were Real And Have Visited Earth

Via dailymail.co.uk

According to Paul Hellyer, the Canadian Minister of Defence from 1963 to 1967, aliens have been visiting our planet for thousands of years. Unfortunately, they're pretty unimpressed with how we live (which, frankly, is to be expected). Some of these aliens can pass for humans in public, so far all you know your boss or dentist or spouse is a privately tentacled weirdo from another planet. Hellyer says there are lots of documents confirming these facts and has been urging governments to disclose the reality of these alien sisters from another planetary mister.

So far no governments have responded to his request, but who knows what the future might hold? Probably aliens know, but those jerks won't tell us anything.