1. When you’re talking about your family and stop mid-sentence because your 6th sense (your dookie sense) starts tingling.
2. When you start to hear that familiar gurgling and look around to make sure no one hears your pre-poo poo noises.
3. Your date keeps talking and you're trying to focus, but you can only think about the giant shit you need to release.
4. You take a sip of water, thinking that it might save you from diarrhea damnation.
5. When you clench those cheeks so hard that it feels like your ass is going to cave in.
6. You excuse yourself for just a moment, and pray your date doesn't notice your weird gallop.
7. When you run into the bathroom and no one is in it.
8. When you run into the bathroom and everyone and their mothers are in it.
9. When you jolt into a stall and inspect the seat for .03 seconds, hoping that it’s squeaky clean and ready for demolition, before you just can't hold it a second longer.
10. When the release happens and you start volcanically erupting from your anus.
11. When you take a whiff and gag from being disgusted with yourself.
12. When you question whether or not someone was trying to poison you. (WHAT WAS IN THAT FOOD?)
13. When you start wiping and realize it’s going to take an entire factory of TP to clean up.
14. When the toilet clogs and you ask God what you did to deserve such a tragedy.
15. When you look in the mirror, barely recognizing the person looking back, and tell yourself to pull it together.
16. When you wash your hands of the sins you just committed.
17. When you get back, sit down, and let out a large sigh of relief.
18. When you wonder whether or not your foul scent followed you back to the table.
19. And when you carry on the conversation and try to put what just happened behind you. Do they know?
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