On Jan. 2, Bachelor franchise legend Nick Viall will finally get his chance to pick a wife from a pool of 25 women on national TV.
It’s been a long road for Nick, and ABC’s been teasing an epic season for the 36-year-old franchise veteran.
Viall’s been in the final two in two different seasons of The Bachelorette, only to be rejected on the day he was set to propose. This summer, he also tried to find love on Bachelor in Paradise, and while he had a little more luck there, the siren sound of the coveted role of Bachelor called, and he answered.
We still have a month until we start seeing how it all goes down, but today, ABC announced his lucky lady suitors, and boy are we in for a wild ride.
A cursory glance showed a noticeable uptick in contestants of color, reflecting ABC Entertainment President Channing Dungey’s comments in August that she’d like to see more diversity on the show.
Here are some other fun stats!
Total number of contestants: 30
Age of youngest contestant: 23
Age of oldest contestant: 31
Number of different hairstyles: 4
Number of women who said if they could be any animal, they would be a dolphin: 5
Number of women who said if they could be any fruit or vegetable, they would be a pineapple: 2
Number of women who said if they could be any fictional character, they would be Ariel from The Little Mermaid: 4
Number of women who seriously love Olivia Pope: 6
Going through all of their profiles shows some other…er…revealing interests and insight from the contestants. Some highlights:
Alexis is a 23-year-old “aspiring dolphin trainer” who says she would be a dolphin (or a dog) if she could be any animal. The five things she can’t live without? “My family, my dog, my best friend, my fake eyelashes, and whitening strips.”
Alexis says she would be Ariel from The Little Mermaid if she could be any fictional character, and she is terrified of E.T. You know, the animatronic alien who likes Reese’s Pieces. Moving on.
Angela, a 26-year-old model, also wishes to be a dolphin because they’re “playful and sociable and live in family groups.” Something strange is afoot (afin?) this season.
Astrid is a 26-year-old plastic surgery office manager, and she says she’d like to be a dolphin “so I could rescue lost sailors and swim in the ocean doing tricks.” Is this season going to morph into some bizarre role-playing group where Alexis becomes their training overlord? Actually, 10/10, would watch the shit out of that.
That’s not all for Astrid: She, like Alexis, would be Ariel if she could be any fictional character, but specifically, Ariel “before legs. I would love to explore the ocean.”
At first glance, Briana’s a little different. She’s 28, and she’s a surgical unit nurse who said the most outrageous thing she’s ever done is “moved to Utah.”
Her favorite fictional character is also Ariel from The Little Mermaid. “She’s a mermaid with great hair, cool animal friends, and she marries a cutie.” Those are…all true statements about Ariel.
And, wait, what’s that? If she had to be an animal, she’d be…a…what? Fuck. She’d be a dolphin. Are we being punked?
I’m worried about Christen. This 25-year-old wedding videographer likes wild mustangs, not dolphins. She also seems to be preoccupied with the White House, and not in a politics junkie/West Wing fanatic kind of way. Observe:
“If you could break any law, with no repercussions, which law, and why? I would break into the White House and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors.
“If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? The President. So curious what actually goes on back there (a.k.a. the show, Scandal).”
It’s unclear what she means by “back there,” and also if she knows that Scandal isn’t a documentary, but +10 for showing an interest in politics?
Corinne, 24, owns a business. (Go Corinne! What kind of business, you ask? “An online business. It’s very important to me, but the cool thing is it’s online, so I can run it from anywhere.”) She has a soft spot for “strong and fierce” cheetahs.
Corinne would be Snow White if she could be any fictional character because she wants to “find my Prince Charming.” Who wants to be the one to tell Corinne that Prince Charming is in Cinderella, not Snow White?
Dominique is a 25-year-old restaurant server, but like 90% of her fellow contestants, she would rather be banging the president:
“If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? I would be Olivia Pope from Scandal. She’s a strong female boss who makes her own rules and happens to be in a hot love triangle with two gorgeous men.”
9. Elizabeth “Liz”
Liz, a 29-year-old doula, actually seems cool — she helped her sister birth her niece and she likes picking her nose while driving. But then she drops this bomb:
“If I never had to ______, I would be very happy. ‘Kill someone.’”
Dude. DUDE. That’s something only someone who’s killed another person would say, right??? Right? Dolphin ladies, watch your backs.
10. Ida Marie
They say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but that’s no problem for Ida Marie, a 23-year-old sales manager, who makes it clear that she’s had very little interaction with books.
“What is your favorite all-time book and why?: I need to read more books.
“Who is your favorite author?: Again, I need to read more books.”
Ida Marie redeems herself, though, with her delightful opinions on food.
“What kind of snacks do you like? Cheetos with a pickle.
“If you could be any fruit or vegetable, what would you be?: Strawberry — they are sexual and taste great with wine.”
11. Jasmine B.
Jasmine B., a 25-year-old flight attendant, has quite possibly the best perspective on life and love I’ve ever seen, so I’ll let her take it away from here:
“What’s the closest you have ever come to being married and why didn’t it work out? Engaged. Because I was too young and he ended up proving he doesn’t deserve my greatness.
“Do you prefer a man who wants to be pursued or a man who pursues you and why? A man who pursues me. I don’t usually chase men. I know I’m attractive and have a lot of great qualities. A man who pursues me gives me assurance that I’m what he wants.”
Her favorite author is Steve Harvey.
12. Jasmine G.
All you really need to know about Jasmine G., a 29-year-old pro basketball dancer, is that she sees herself as the female Guy Fieri. Allow her to explain:
“If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Guy Fieri. He can cook. He gets to travel and eat food from all over the country and he is hilarious! I’m the girl version.”
Josephine, a 5’7¾”, 24-year-old “unemployed nurse,” thinks the “what animal would you be?” question is a “good question,” and says she’d be a tiger or lion. Because “they’re clever, loving, and get things done!”
Kristina, a 24-year-old dental hygienist, idolizes Fiona from Shrek because “she’s got some serious karate moves and she’s feisty and darling,” and that’s honestly the best answer of them all.
Kristina also has a message for her biological mother:
“If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My biological mother. I’d like to know what she was going through when I was young and if choosing alcohol over kids was worth it.”
This 25-year-old digital marketing manager has never seen an episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. How do I know? This is how I know:
“What’s your biggest date fear? That he’s going on another date right after (that has happened before).”
Lacey, sweetie, do I have some news for you.
The dolphin coven squeaks with excitement at Lauren’s arrival to the watery shores of Bachelor nation. She aspires to be the slippery mammal because “they are so cute and smart and they get to live in such a beautiful environment, under the sea!” Five flippers for Lauren!
Rachel is 31, an attorney, likes Jean-Michel Basquiat, idolizes Michelle Obama, has no interest in being a dolphin, and sadly, will probably be portrayed as someone who is too good for Nick (because she is), so we may not get to see much of her. :(
Sarah, a 26-year-old grade school teacher, is either 1) the only contestant producers asked about her political leanings, or 2) the only contestant to answer the question. Anyway, she’s “Socially Democratic, economically Republican,” so do with that what you will.
26-year-old account manager Susannah made the odd choice of liking lions, but also wanting to be Ariel. The dolphin coven is beside itself.
Don’t try to quiz Vanessa, a 29-year-old special education teacher, on the importance of a promise ring, because she already knows:
“What’s the most romantic present you have ever received, and why? A promise ring — because it’s a freaking promise ring!”
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