But seriously though, I really think I'd be a great boyfriend.
I think a musical accompaniment is necessary for this week, you know, to set the mood...
Ahem okay, so now that we have some relaxing music playing we can get down to business.
FUCK THE DALLAS COWBOYS. FUCK THE REDSKINS. FUCK BREWER. AND MOST OF ALL...FUCK EBOLA.
Seriously, I'm going to equate three things here (not Brewer, he's not quite that bad). The Dallas Cowboys = The Washington Redskins = Ebola. I honestly think that's a fair comparison.
I think I now have a team to hate; one which I only will wish a diabolical pox upon them, and to pray for the utter destruction of all happiness among that fan base. I've never really hated the Redskins, per say, and two years of living here hasn't done much to make me hate them even more. Its not that their fans are as delusional as North Korea, or that they play in the most annoying division, or that their current 3rd string QB is still on EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN SUBWAY COMMERCIAL. No, none of that bothered me. Its that somehow, they manage to ruin everything they touch. This isn't the first time either, its just that every time I have to rely on a Redskins game, either for my personal amusement or for fantasy players, its evoked nothing but awful experiences. Watching football should be "fun," right? RIGHT? I've never been prompted into constant state of rocking back and forth, tensing up, then sighing in relief or screaming before. It's like sex except it totally sucks.
Then there's the Dallas Cowboys, who want to build up all expectations only to completely shut them down when I need to count on them. WHAT IN THE PICKLED SHIT WAS THAT? Tony, I love you, you are one tough motherfucker, but PLEASEEEEE don't do that again. I am coming to terms that my fantasy season is all but over, but I don't want to have the entire league heckling me because for some reason they think you're some sort of chump. I know you're not, and I know it's not your fault (fucking Redskins...) but I want to put you in time out. I really do, but I can't. So you're up. Don't fuck me, Tony.
And finally there's Ebola, which I don't think I need to rant about. I'm really just sick of people complaining about it. Seriously, just stop watching TV. BOOM! Virus scare gone.
How are these three things equal, you ask? THEY ALL ALREADY RUINED MY FUCKING WEEK.
NO I DON'T HAVE EBOLA
Christing fuck...
12. Still at the bottom... (1-7)
I don't think winning will be in the cards for you. If you do win, I can see you beating Josh in the Wexler Bowl. So that's something...
BUT you gave Gus kind of a scare, and you probably won the thread with ur jokez. Yay?
Yay.
11. Baltimore is an awful place (3-5)
10. Antares Rocket (3-5)
9. Makin' it Wayne (4-4)
View this video on YouTube
It's true doe, that's a lot of spaghetti.
8. So Good At Beating Chris (3-5)
7. Mysteriously Absent this Past Weekend (3-5)
6. I CHOOSE YOU WARBORTLES (3-5)
5. Oldest Asshole In Here (5-3)
4. Cara Tuttle's Boggy Fundus (5-3)
3. I sometimes objectify women. (6-2)
2. Calzone Queefers (5-3)
I really just swapped you and Jai cause nothing happened to move the rankings around too much. The teams with winning records won, while the teams with losing records lost. All with one exception...
1. Why do we even bother? (7-1)
THIS WEEK WE PICK SOME FOR DA LADEEZ
Last week: Gus 5-1, Temple 2-4
Total:
Gus: 13-5
Temple: 7-11
Well…. That week clarified nothing. Things went pretty much as (I) expected, and everything is still wide open for the wild card spots. We may even see a streak to dethrone the Maharaja or send some flak through the wings of the mad bomber at 31,060 feet. It remains to be seen. In a week where McCabe had the strongest outing and Jack doubled up his opponent, it's clear: you never know what will happen in Fantasy Football.
This week, my picks will be based on the strength of the team names below. I think the trend will become apparent quite quickly.
AXELLE vs. GABBY CAMACHO
T: Who the fuck knows here. Tyler is starting stars such as Fitztragic, Colston, and the Sanu Canoe. But really Tyler can start whoever the fuck he wants as Murray is on an absolute tear right now, and all this is with Calvin Johnson being a huge puss. Jai is starting some absolute studs on a weekly basis, but his matches somehow always are closer than he'd like. I'll continue my pattern of picking Tyler because I'm too stupid to learn from my mistakes.
Unlike David Amos...
BIG NOSE DOUBLE CHIN vs. RACHEL PUTNAM
T: Gawd, Rog, remember her? I can still vividly hear that voice of hers in my head. That awful shrieking noise coming out of your bathroom. Terrifying.
Speaking of terrifying, Gus loses on principle because he's starting a ginger QB. Gross.
G:Sigh. What I do have going for me is the BNDC gesture is based on my quarterback. Wait, he's on the bench? GOD DAMMIT WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THIS WEEK. Things aren't looking good for me this week. It's clearly an Away game for me, which does not bode well for me making it out of here intact. But you know what? I'm just gonna pretend this is 73 years ago, not 69. Also our game abbreviation is "Phaggits vs. Gay." Tl;dr I win.
LITERALLY JUST AZN GIRLS vs. THE VICTIM OF THE IRON FINGER
T: That ever-so-kawaii Wexler-kun makes me blush in embarrassment, because at the time of writing he has 3 people in his lineup on bye. So even if there was a competitive matchup to pick on, I literally can't even, because I have no fucking idea who'll be playing.
Sempai, please notice your team please.
FACEUH THE RASS OF ION FINGERU
G: Wexler has three players on bye and is still only projected at 20 points behind Jack. Does Jack actually hand Wexler his second win? Do all of these Asian girls turn on Jack, their own brood? Or does the moaner wail like a ghost waifu and scare them away? Never bet against the Iron Finger, or you pay the iron price. I may have picked against jack if this was, say, the "butt humper" or the "fag jumper". But not someone with such a deep appreciation of the Iron Finger. Jack wins.
THIS ISN'T FUNNY CAUSE HES MARRIED vs. CARA TUTTLE
T: Brewer is in bye week hell and McCabe...isn't starting real running backs? Who knows, maybe we'll see some fireworks ala last week, or maybe it'll mean fuck-all and Brewer will get lucky again. I'm taking McCabe here, cause Andrew Luck carries teams, dude.
G: In perhaps the least fun matchup (one because he's married, the other because we've made fun of this girl since week 2), we've got two teams who have been very evenly matched all year, and who both desperately need wins to get on top of the three way tie for second in our division. The first few jokes I wrote about Cara were afwul. Then I realized she's so awful that that's the joke. Also McCabe just wins regardless, because his team is on a hot streak and Katie is the only person listed here still a friend of ours.
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