The Top 12 Ways I Have Wasted Countless Hours Over The Past 10 Weeks

AKA WEEK 10 POWER RANKINGS

I'M RUNNING OUT OF WITTY OBSERVATIONS. WEXLER YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE

My day (11/4/14) so far:

4:30AM - The alarm goes off...Nope.

4:39AM - The alarm goezzzzzzzzzz....

4:48AM - The alarm goes GODDAMMIT WHY AM I DOING THIS

4:50AM - ANGRILY SHOWER

4:53AM - ANGRILY URINATE IN SHOWER

5:04AM - ANGRILY DRY OFF AND GET DRESSED

5:12AM - Chug coffee

5:13AM - Realize that chugging hot coffee only burns just about everything in your mouth and throat

5:14AM - Eat bowl of Cap'n Crunch (yay!)

5:16AM - Cut roof of mouth on Cap'n Crunch (arrrrr....)

5:35AM - Arrive at polling precinct. Its an elementary school gym. Feeling caffeinated, perky, and annoyingly friendly for before 6AM. They inform me I'm at the wrong one.

5:45 - Arrive at correct polling precinct. Its in an old firehouse. No heating in the garage. Its 40 degrees outside. I am literally incapable of being friendly at this point.

6:00AM - Voters show up and I check them in. Dreading interactions with people I know.

6:01AM - My dentist and childhood doctor walk in.

8:30AM - Caffeine wears off.

8:35AM - The wifi goes out.

9:00AM - Have called the campaign center and they have instructed me to use an IOS app. I am now checking people in on my phone.

9:48AM - I can no longer use the app on my phone

10:13AM - After a brief 20 minute call to the campaign center, they have determined that its not in fact my phone or the wifi causing connectivity issues, but its their app. So, I ask if there's any way around this, and they tell me I have to get a paper list of people to check in, and email them the results.

12:30PM - I wake up at home from my nap...I think I'll go get Bojangles now...

So, folks, if you ever wondered what it's like to "watch polls", now you know. Sure the campaign I was volunteering for won't get their data from 9:30AM to whenever the fuck the next poor soul showed up, but I was volunteering. I mean, I like this candidate, but I'm just in it for the networking and Brownie points. He isn't going to win. I know plenty of people who have drank the Kool-aid and are riding that train all the way to Disappointment-town, population: some. (UPDATE: 11/5 HOLY SHIT ED YOU GOT REAL CLOSE!) If this sounds familiar, its because it is. So, what else was a fruitless effort? Whatever the fuck happened this week for all the losers in fantasy.

In probably the lowest scoring matchup of the year, I've silenced my worst critic (a one C. Reeves), ruined the dreams of another "playoff hopeful", and can pretty much call it season. I have no reason to play to win anymore, my work here is done. Call in the dancing lobsters.

Welp maybe not...y'all can't get rid of me just yet. I've now decided that instead of winning it all (impossible), a more satisfying outcome might be to just crush everyone else's dreams (probable). I'm now adopting the mantra of "TEAM CHAOS".

So make me the villain while Roger just practically is stealing your money at this point, see if I care. We have playoffs in only 2 weeks, boys. We have a good idea of who's in, who's out, and who'll be checking out. I can say with utmost certainty (barring a major collapse), I won't fall in to any of the aforementioned categories. So....CHAOS! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

THIS WEEK WHITE WIMMENZ TO REACT TO YOUR RANKINGS

12. Straight Mariana Trench-type Depths of the Bottom (1-8)

Go ahead, give up now, but I'd say give it a few weeks then you'll be like...

11. Team Rocket (3-6)

Yea yea we get it. "I don't know anything lol". So do we just laugh at you now or something?

10. Making it Wayne (4-5)

9. Probably tickled your monster sore by now... (3-6)

It ain't pretty.

8. Slarm Slitty Slamps (4-5)

Yay!? I don't know what to say here. So...

7. So good at a three win streak outta nowhere (4-5)

...but I guess you're coming in hot so I'll still have to make fun of you...

6. I CHOOSE YOU WARBORTLES (4-5)

Whatever, I'll take it. IM NOT HAPPY THOUGH! BACK TO BITCHING I GUESS!

5. Cara Tuttle's Boggy Fundus? (5-4)

Boo hoo, "I can't win because people score all over my face blah blah". I show no sympathy for the highest scoring team in the league. Oh and thinking you're sooooo sneaky by snagging AP off waivers?

4. Stromboli...Semen...Sailors? (5-4)

I know. We know. He's a jerk.

3. Somehere over Dwayne Bowe (6-3)

I knew you had it in you!

2. Fitzemple United (7-2)

Ugly wins to solidify first place are cause for celebration, sure, but don't ignore us lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce...

1. Genus Ebolavirus, family Filoviridae, order Mononegavirales, class None, phylum Plenty, kingdom Butts, domain Wayne Street, life SUPER GAY (8-1)

But once again we're happy for you...

TAKE IT AWAY GUS!

Last week: Gus 4-2, Temple 4-1-1

Total:

Gus: 17-7

Temple: 11-12-1

Temple slowly climbs out of pick-em hell on a week where scoring was slim, and Wexler's chances of sleeping in one particular Saturday got slimmer (do they offer the SAT in January?). McCabe turned in the only score over 100, just to rub it in to Brewer's new awful name, which apparently he can't even decide on. It sounds like an illiterate toad wrote it in both iterations.

CHRIS vs. MCCABES

G: Let's face it: Chris has been on a skid, and McCabe has been on the rise. Now in sole control of second place in the division, McCabe broke free only to have his bubble burst by bye-week hell. I thought Chex-Mix had bold flavor, but Mark Sanchez proves McCabe is one cool snacker. I still don't think he can pull it out though. Don't make me regret this pick, Chris.

Can't trust Sanchez when his receivers be like:

T: ...Gus, the thing Sanchez has going for him is his receivers. If anyone told me that "McCabe is starting Mark Sanchez to fight for a spot in the playoffs" at the beginning of the season, I would've told you to go home and sleep it off, ROGER! This is the reality we live in now. While you may say McCabe's team is lacking in RB depth this week and he won't have Luck to bail him out, I have faith in the Sanchize cause I have lost all faith in the Panthers. Ben takes it.

Don't make the kitties cry too much, Mark...

BREWER v. JAI

G: I need a lot of things to happen for me. Paramount among them is Brewer losing. Now I think Jai has this one already (provided he picks up a kicker), but here's some motivation: pretend Brewer is that French chick from Punta Cana. Don't let her get away this time. Fuck her right in the pussy.

If Brewer wins:

T: I don't forget. Romo doesn't forgive. Fuck you Brewer.

JOSH vs. TYLER

G: You guys have been surprisingly evenly matched all year, and this week is no different. Calvin is back, DeMarco is playing the Jags, and Tyler wins. ROAST HIM BRO.

T: PS BuzzFeed doesn't like big gifs so Gus had another image in mind and I couldn't compress it and BF has shitty servers and whatever so I found this one kthxbai...but....Tyler rebounds hard with the cool stylings of the Sanu Canoe...

GUS vs. GREG

G: Good lord this is going to be an awful game. It looks like this may be the first nail in my season's coffin. I have a ton of bye players, and had a very shaky hold on a decent team anyways. But I've got a lot of faith in my 31st ranked defense. So I'm going to win.

T: This matchup is sad and both of you should feel sad. Greg wins, even if none of his other players do well, his RBs will outscore Gus' entire team. MARK IT!

TEMPLE vs. WEXLER

G: Temple has had a pretty schizophrenic team when it comes to scoring. Who shows up? Is it Matous on the loose hiding in the kegerator Temple? Or is it managed to get laid on fourth year fifth Temple? Tall skinny white male Temple? I'm calling the other dark horse. He's due. He's got four top-5 PRK players on his roster, and he's too good to even start two spots. Wexler wins if he sets his lineup.

The cat is temple, I can just see Wexler laughing like this:

T: Just, no, man, I picked WexXxy like 5 weeks in a row and he's disappointed every time. His team looks good on paper, but placing that much faith in the Bears has not produced results. I see Wexler more like this scrappy Pug:

JACK vs. ROGER

G: Jack has gone tit for tat with Roger the last few weeks. Can Roger sustain this? The diarrhea and vomiting associated with Roger's name hasn't killed his team yet. AND there's a reference to Ebola in his team name? Jack gets out of his coffin and throws Roger in it. I'm calling the upset.

T: SWAG BE LIKE:

Cause its a JACK rabbit, get it!?