I blurb, you blurb, even Gus can blurb, but when I asked Chris to blurb he couldn't handle it.
We're past the halfway point in the season and its truly make or break at this point. That means we only have 7 more weeks of shenanigans in the Shanfield. I don't know what to do. The future is terrifying. CAN YOU GUYS EVEN!? Because I certainly can't. So close to dying. Like literally. Dead.
Speaking of being literally dead, in a lot of ways, the budding career of a young urbanite professional can be looked at like a fantasy football season. You need to prepare before hopping into it. Drafting blind is a lot like taking a shitty corporate job in a cubicle, you did it cause you had to. Then, there's the effort you make to improve your "job". You can let it coast on if you're making the money to live comfortably, or you can network (waiver wire), ask for more responsibility (streaming), and even look toward the next step (trade). You might not always have the best weeks, but if you care enough the future looks positive and you'll have the motivation to improve yourself. And of course, the best part about all of it is that you bring your friends along for the ride!
Excuse me while I vomit....
Sorry, the Buzzfeed Ebola got to me.
SO THIS WEEK: Wins mean a lot. Losses mean even more. No more room for error, you've already figured out your game plan (I refuse to believe Roger has any game plan despite his success), you've forgotten about this exercise entirely (TOO BUSY BEING MARRIED HUH MCCABE?), or have completely succumbed to failure (to be fair to Wexler, he does appear to WANT to sort his shit out). Things are about to get really hot.
So happy I can use .gifs this week.
BUT I would be remiss if I didn't get right to the LIST. (tee hee that rhymed a little)
12. NOW OFFICIALLY AT THE BOTTOM (1-6)
Rumor has it that Steve is now hiring the consulting services of JP Fiddy LLC to right this ship. I think that's probably gonna be money well spent. Surely someone can manage to coach you to making the most of what was a promising draft, right? I mean, all you gotta do is win out and you won't take the Wexlerbowl back. Yeah, you'll turn this around.
11. SO GOOD AT WINNING JUST THIS PAST WEEK (2-5)
Woo boy, that must've been satisfying to give Brewer a hot Watkins. You know we all enjoyed that.
10. The Space Shuttle Challenger (3-4)
Too soon? Nahhhh we weren't alive. But in all seriousness Greg's team wasn't alive either. And It doesn't appear to giving much a chance at life. I consciously sat Matt Ryan this week cause the Falcons look awful, so what does that mean for Julio? What does this mean for you team when the Eagles backfield doesn't show up? Just charge in, headfirst, right?
9. Chump City Charm (3-4)
Wexler really got you sweatin' last week huh? But hey! Its a victory. Still liking going all in with Nawlins? We all know what's really happening here.
8. Making it Whine (4-3)
7. Temple Tickled my Monsters a little too hard (3-4)
We all appreciate that you chimed in to congratulate me on my victory. Would love to hear from you more often.
But yeah I guess you're gonna bounce back hard once Calvin starts playing again, barring a Demarco Murray injury. (JINX!)
6. I CHOOSE YOU WARBORTLES (3-4)
View this video on YouTube
5. Somewhere in Falls Church I suppose... (4-3)
Coming out with a victory in an absolute BARN BURNER! I like that right there. But someone had to win that, and always take the team with Fantasy Football Caveman on your side. I know bye weeks are tough on everyone, so I think McCabe will be just fine. Jussssst finnneeee.
4. Cara Tuttle's Boggy Fundus (4-3)
View this video on YouTube
That horrible cunt, in your case, is Jack.
3. Someone in San Francisco identified with your team name more than an actual gender. (4-3)
You couldn't get 4 points? I know close losses are tough but C'MON! I don't have to lecture you, I'm sure the prison on Wayne street is doing that plenty for you.
2. Simmons TempTeam (5-2)
What can you do? You ran into a red-hot Roger. Its' that feeling of hope being crushed by some bimbo who went to South Carolina who you just have to impress. That girl who needs things from you, wants your attention, and you'll happily give it to her. And for what?
That's a pretty good metaphor for this loss, right?
Y...you agree with me, right?
1. I want to talk about another disease now. (6-1)
GUS DID A GREAT JOB ON HIS PICKS. SO MUCH SO THAT I'M JUST GONNA LET HIM HAVE THIS ONE
In a quick roundup: My faith in Jack never wavered, my faith in the Texans has been shaken to its core, Temple scored the most in the league, both our predictions about Greg v. McCabe were spot on, Roger whispered into Jai's ear, "you should be fucking ashamed of your god awful team," and Josh had a bye.
PREDICTIONS
MOUNT VERNON INTRA-LEAGUE PLAY: HOUSE HELP V. HIPSTER CHASER
I'll let you decide who is who. You bested me Chris (sore loser moment: if the league ended today, I make the playoffs over you on Points For), so enjoy this as your birthday present. He moves on to face a Vietnamese Hot Jack, who could be on meteoric 'Single Tyler' rise or a Gus-out-of-Cville spiral. I always like to ride the hot hand, and Chris has stumbled into two weak wins, so I'm going with Jack.
T's Pick: I know better than to pick against Chris. So I'm picking him this week. That's right...I...have...complete...faith...in...you.
LOVER'S QUARREL
In another butt buddy matchup, Temple is on top recently while Brewer is definitely on bottom, and not in a powerful way. However, I think Brewer's team is looking a little better in the matchup column. Even though Temp might not feel it, Brewer is going to put his arm around Temple and gently guide it home.
T's Pick: Never bet against yourself. Always bet on Demaryius. And Romo. Fuck Matt Ryan.
PEGOSAUR V. MCCAVE BEAR
Do they have anything in common worth making light of? Here's a game similar to McCabe's last week, except literally no correspondence from either person will occur pre or post game. This game might as well not happen. The loser would be second to last in the Premier, but he would still be fifth from the bottom and safe from the Wexlerbowl. I like Tyler to bounce back in this one, but I reserve my right to change my pick based on whether or not either owner sets their lineup.
T's Pick: Tyler comes back just as hard as his Johnson does.
PUSSY GOD V. PUSSYBANE
No Godless man may sit the Shanfield Face. As much as I would like Greg to win, Jai's team is built on the foundation of Fitzsimmons' virginity, which may as well be solid granite wrapped in mithril. Greg's QB is also Jake Locker at this point in the week, so again, reserving my right to change should Greg get Peyton Manning off of waivers. Jai wins, and a serious shortage of Valtrex follows.
T's Pick: Greg remember what I said about the Eagles Backfield and the Falcons? I have complete faith in you this wee...lolnope Jai's gonna crush you.
BATTLEFIELD 5: RICHMOND
Watching Roger this year in fantasy has been like watching him play 2048. He's just better than you, and you can't come up with any reason as to why, and it affects your life a lot more than it should. We considered submitting a video to that "NFL Life" contest where the handicapable/sad sacks try and get tickets to the Super Bowl, but decided it was unfair to the other applicants. Josh is really going to need some help this week. Plus he has Jared Cook, so he's gonna lose.
T's Pick: Roger.
Drugs in the Chapter Room – Bye
I would have left it at that had I not already used that joke. Also I only outscored him by 7 this week. I'm going to win, but I needed to temper my arrogance after what happened last week.
T's Pick: lol yeah you get a bye this week.
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