12 IS A PRETTY DARN GOOD NUMBER

AKA WEEK 12 JOSH GORDON RANKINGS

This past Monday, 10AM, in the Church of Josh...

youtube.com / Via youtube.com

HE HAS RISEN! HE HAS RISEN INDEED! ALLELUJAH! ALLELUJAH!

Please be seated. (the Chorus joins in...AKA the video above ya dingus)

Hear now what I say, for our lord has come again. His name is glorious, and he does only come to save me, but to bring joy into each of your hearts.

JOSH HAS RISEN!

Not that Josh, but we'll return to that in a moment. I of course, am referring to the savior of fantasy, bringer of light, keeper of happiness and joy! He is called by many names, but we all know him as, JOSH GORDON.

Let us open our hearts to Josh. As we proclaim the miracles of fantasy:

Our lord, who art in Cleveland,

Hallowed by thy name,

Thy fantasy points come,

Thy TD's be done,

Away as it is at home.

Give us this day your loving FLASH,

and forgive our confidence,

as we forgive those that did not draft you,

and lead us not the Wexler,

but deliver us to the Shanfield

For thine is the reception, the touchdown and the yardage,

For ever and ever.

Amen.

Now that we have prayed to our lord and savior (praise be unto him) we can look towards our glorious future. Sorry, not your glorious future. MY glorious future. I don't even care that it's essentially impossible for me to make the playoffs. I am filled with joy simply by the fact that, Gordon willing, I still have that chance. And, man, won't that be a fun ride for everyone! I'd make sure that everyone gets to enjoy my joy as much as I will.

Praise be unto Josh, save me from myself and my fantasy team.

However, lets not digress any further, the fates of the season have not yet been decided. We are all but certain that Roger and Jai will be in the postseason but, DESPITE Roger's "logic", that does not crown a winner. Or even a bye. There still is football to be played, and two spots that call to some pretty strong teams hang in the balance. Will Gus fulfill his destiny and ride off into the sunset? Will Chris stumble from last place to the playoffs? Will Brewer piss everyone off? Will McCabe manage to not FUCK IT ALL UP!? WILL WEXLER WIN ANOTHER GAME!? CAN JOSH SNEAK HIS WAY INTO THE PROMISED LAND!? CAN JOSH SAVE MY TEAM!?

By Gordon, these next two weeks are gonna be interesting! I'M SO EXCITED!

12. Makin' It Gordon (6-5)

> mfw when you win 2 games in a row and still end up in last place.

Seriously man, get your shit straight. Also...

youtube.com / Via youtube.com

11. Started at the Gordon now we Josh (2-9)

Walk with that Josh-like swagger. You deserve it this week.

The alternative would have been saying something about not buying into the Gordon Gestapo...

But that would offensive.

HEIL GORDON!

10. So good at Josh Gordon (4-7)

LT Swag gotta answer to someone...

9. Tickle Monsters? JOSH GORDON TICKLES MONSTERS! (4-7)

IIIIIIIiiiiiiiiimmm, hooked on a feeling,

I'm high on believing,

that you'll make the WEXLEERRRRRRRR

8. Space Gordon (4-7)

Look to his coming on the first light of the twenty third day. At dawn, look to the north.

7. Flash City Gordons (5-6)

You came to the wrong Josh-hood, motherfucker...

6. I CHOOSE YOU WARGORDON (5-6)

youtube.com / Via youtube.com

FLASH! AAAAAAaaahhhhhhhh!

5. Somewhere Over Josh Gordon (6-5)

Some might say you're in...CRUNCH time.

tee hee

4. JOSH GORDON WILL SCORE HIGH POINTS (6-5)

HAHA GET IT!? CAUSE HE GOT CAUGHT SMOKIN THE MARIJUANAS!

3. Hello Dominos Pizza can I take your JOSH GORDON?

I KNOW ME TOO GUS, I CAN HARDLY CONTAIN MYSELF

2. Team JoshyTeampGordoSimmons

Sadly you don't have that dodgeball, and I do.

1. In addtion to selling used cars and becoming the fastest man alive, Josh Gordon also cured Ebola during his time off.

Smokin Jay thinks your placement and team is boring. Also, you couldn't be bothered with playoffs huh? JOSH GORDON DISAGREES

I ASKED JOSH GORDON TO DO PICKS WITH ME THIS WEEK BUT I HAD TO SETTLE TO FOR GUS

Last week: Gus 3-3, Temple 2-4

Total (skipping a week while Temple and I recharged):

Gus: 20-10

Temple: 13-17

Welcome back everyone! After me and Temple's bye week, we're back with plenty of Return themed picks, so look out for it. We've got things that can return, like my playoff hopes, things that can't, like several people's hairlines, and things that are guaranteed to return, like an argument over who is actually the Wexler when it's been set several times, or who gets what money in the end (my vote is fifth place, aka first place of the middle class, gets money back).

Guys, Wexler won this week. He would have beaten anyone in the league except Roger. Literally anything is possible except Wexler winning again. It's still unlikely anyone but Jai can make the playoffs from the West, but if McCabe, Brewer and I split our last two and Chris wins out, that creates a scenario in which I walk into oncoming traffic at midnight wearing all black. WHO KNOWSZ???

CHRIS vs. JOSH MCMAHON

(Obviously not Gordon, cause whats the point in picking thet matchup?)

G- Josh (McMahon) had an abysmal week last week. He went from 110 points down to 38. Will he return? As much as it pains me to say, and forces me to put one leg in my black sweatpants, I think Chris is going to win this one. God I hope I’m wrong.

T- If Josh was Josh then this wouldn't be hard. But sadly Josh isn't Josh and Josh isn't quite as awesome as Josh but Josh is still pretty cool so I think I have to go with Josh because even if Josh wins I will have the upper hand because I have Josh.

GUS vs. BREWER

G- I need Arian Foster to play. Desperately. This game may very well decide who goes to the playoffs, so this week is do or die right here. I’m going to make you pay for that terrible name that you don’t deserve (Tyler has the most points against). You’re gonna get struck down like it’s a vote session.

T- Gus because fuck Brewer. If I had no morals I could totally sabotage his season right now. I'll take any offers. HOW MUCH IS IT WORTH TO YOU, GUS?!

JACK vs. TYLER

G- The iron finger is gonna show its gentler side this week, and do some tickling of its own. Gonna tame the monster as he gets ready to impregnate a Baylor Kappa. All we need is that one swipe right to get that vicarious excitement boner. Remember, you fly helicopters now instead of writing things like this.

T- ODB is the truth. So is Katie Whitmire. I'm gonna say that fate is cruel, and that if you win this week, you won't even get matched with everyones favorite blonde rapping Kappa. This is also, the truth. So for the sake of your social status, Tyler wins. My words, mark them.

TEMPLE vs. GREG

G- Sure, Greg texts me asking for trade advice. Sure, he asks me when the playoffs are. Sure, he beat me in our other league. Sure, he ranted to me about not taking the SAT because he's pretty sure they don't have higher education within 200 miles of his house. But a win here against Temple paired with Josh's slide may actually keep him out of the running for the Wexler altogether. His team is looking pretty strong, and I think he makes Temple and Josh sweat a little bit going into the final week. He plays McCabe in his last game, who may not be recovered mentally from the loss to Wexler by then, and he sneaks into middle-4 obscurity.

T- Josh Gordon.

MCCABE vs. ROGER

G- Sigh…… Roger.

T- BAH GORDON GUS, AT LEAST GIVE IT SOME EFFORT! Okay...let's rationalize a way for McCabe to win this week...So Andrew Luck plays the Jags so he's gonna tear shit up, Tre Mason is an explosive back who has a pretty solid matchup, Maclin and DeSean are very solid receivers. And then Roger is starting some reaches at WR, LeVeon Bell is on bye, and the Seahawks play the Cards in ARI. Dude, I know why you want Roger to win, but this could be the week he drops another one. Check that, WILL drop another one.

JAI vs. WEXLER

G- I can't go against previous jokes, so I'll be taking Jai here. I just wanted to extend a congratulations to Wexler for at least winning one game. Are we basing next year's draft order on the standings of this year? Will Wexler prove to be such a masochist that he stays in the league? Do we start a developmental league and call that the Wexler? Find out next year, in The Shanfield, or: How I Learned To Stop Caring And Know That Roger Can't Do It Again.

T- NOW THIS IS AN IRRELEVANT MATCHUP! LITERALLY NOTHING CHANGES FOR EITHER PERSON BASED ON THE OUTCOME OF THIS. ITS BORING. MY FUTURE SELF IS BORED, AND I NOW HAVE A SAD. SO I'M PICKING WEXLER CAUSE FUCK ALL OF YOU, I'LL BURT THIS LEAGUE DOWN!

RANKINGZ IZ ZERIOUZ BIZNEZZ

G- Parting shots:

1.Can we set up a mid-tier playoff for the four teams in the middle? Maybe call it the Sigma Nu Tier 2b cup? The Mr. Sigma Nu award? Name suggestions are welcome.

2.Can we also set up a weekly thing for the remaining two weeks of the season/playoffs? I need more reasons to watch/gamble/throw money away.

T- Also, Gus and I will hopefully be making a movie for the playoff weeks. Contributions are welcome, as everyone I know has a computer and or smartphone and really anything goes. My butthole is so loose right now.