8 Most Passive-Aggressive Government Shutdown Alerts

The federal government is posting a lot of messages to inform you that they won’t be posting any more messages. Here are the most passive-aggressive shutdown alerts so far.

By Jon Gabriel

Today, Americans awoke to the dystopian hellscape created by a government shutdown. Did we say shutdown? Okay, it’s more of a temporary rollback of non-essential services. Nonetheless, the government wants to assure you that anarchy is sweeping the land.

1. The White House Goes Dark

Always eager to avoid blame, President Obama passes the buck with some serious passive aggressiveness.

Someone forgot to mention that he wouldn’t talk to Congress to avoid the shutdown.

2. Crops spoil in the fields

The USDA is down? Zut alors! But who will tell us about legally mandated gherkin specifications?

3. We have no standards

“Conferences and other events scheduled during the shutdown are postponed or canceled.” Great, and I already bought my tickets to the International Organization for Standardization (ISO)/TC 172/SC 1 Optics and Photonics/Fundamental Standards conference!

4. FLOTUS is silenced

The First Lady gets paid to tweet? Now who will tell us when to drink water?!

5. Health is outlawed

At least it’s only Health Data and nothing important. Oh wait, didn’t Obamacare start up today?

6. Weather or not?

Weather has been cancelled until further notice.

7. Every highway an autobahn

New game: Provoke National Highway Traffic Safety Administration bureaucrats to respond to you on Twitter! Does this mean speed limits won’t be enforced for the next few days?

8. No government selfies?

Argh — even the White House’s Instagram is out! How will I know if an intern had an especially elegant pumpkin spice cappuccino (the 1977 filter really brings out the orange).

At least one government worker isn’t silent today.

Follow Jon on Twitter at @ExJon.

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