8 Wines To Pair With Everyday Household Drudgery

Don't you dare pair Cabernet with Lemon Pledge.

1. Dusting: Sneezy Drudgery

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Dusting is the worst. Not only do you have to sneeze your way through touching every single surface in your home, but you have to smell the sickly sweet odor of fake lemon scent the whole way through.

Best Wine Pairing: New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. The tart citrus flavors remind you that not all liquids in cylindrical-ish containers are completely vile.

2. Cleaning the Stove: Burned-On, Greasy Drudgery

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You've put it off for weeks. Now your stove is a festering grease pile of burned on spaghetti noodles and last month's squash casserole. Only one thing can save you:

Best Wine Pairing: Big California Cabernet. Bold and tannic, these big reds go great with rich, fatty char-grilled foods and have high enough levels of alcohol to see you through to the bitter, bitter (disgusting) end.

3. Scrubbing the Toilet: Sloshy Pepto Bismol-Smelling Drudgery

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Why do toilet cleaners smell like that awful pink stuff? It's enough to make you vomit all over the toilet you just scrubbed.

Best Wine Pairing: Last Night's cheap Chardonnay from the cooler section of the corner store. You knew you'd be bowing to the throne as soon as you popped open that second bottle of $4 swill. Plus, what even tastes good with Chardonnay? Nothing. That's what.

4. Sweeping out the Fireplace: Cancer-Inducing Drudgery

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What's that there? Oh it's my painful mortality. You could wear a mask while cleaning out your fireplace and chimney, but then you wouldn't be able to enjoy a delicious beverage enhanced by dioxins and other cancer causing compounds.

Best Wine Pairing: Old Vine Zinfandel. This stuff is juicy, but backed with smokey tobacco flavor. It's as close as you'll get to smoking yourself to death without inhaling a single wisp of smoke. Soot, on the other hand, might very well do you in.

5. Ironing: Drudgery you can Skip if you Suck at It

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The jury is still out on whether ironing is actually worth anything. If you're good at it, you might end up with a crisply pressed collar that makes you feel like a total boss, but most of us are more likely to just smash that damned little corner bit on the collar into some horrible, awkward, jagged thing that will never be able to be ironed out, ever.

Best Wine Pairing: Pinot Noir. Besides the fact that you have to be a Pinot Noir drinker to even give a shit about ironing, this fickle grape can turn into wine just as futile as the average person's haberdashery efforts. If your job doesn't pay enough to require a suit, you probably can't afford to drink good Pinot Noir.

6. Laundry: Drudgery That Isn't Really Drudgery Anymore

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The washing machine is probably the best thing 20th century science did for homemaking. Gone were the hours of scrubbing each and every petticoat on a metal washboard and hanging them all to dry overnight. Finally, everything was just...easy.

Best Wine Pairing: German Riesling. The German's are damned good innovators, and they're also good at making fabulously forgettable wines. Clothes washing is easy now, and so is Riesling drinking.

7. Febreezing the House: "It's Too Late to Actually Clean Anything for Real" Drudgery

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This isn't even drudgery, and you know it. It's what you do when your mom says she's coming over at the last minute and you just did whatever it is you do that you don't want your mom smelling, so you spray Febreeze even though you know she'll smell it anyway. Cleaning, with a wink.

Best Wine Pairing: White Zinfandel. Because it isn't wine. It's trying to make people who drink it feel like they're drinking wine, except they know they aren't really drinking wine. Just order a vodka, cranberry and Sprite already.

8. The Shower Drain: OMG WTF *vomit* Drudgery

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If you've had the pleasure of kinking up a wire coat hanger and digging fetid strands of hair out of your drain, you should be very relieved. And then you should plan to never have to do that.

Best Wine Pairing: Actual French Champagne. Why? Because finishing this shit-awful job requires nothing less than a true celebration. Spend at least $150 on this bottle. You'll end up breaking even with all those jerkoffs who paid for a maid.