10 Ways to Get Out of Volunteering at School

Everyone hates school. When we were kids, we hated school because they made us learn stuff. Now we hate school because as soon as you walk in we’re reminded of all the volunteering they have at school and how we try to avoid it but it never works. This is just before you are bombarded by that one mom who is on every committee and makes you feel like a bad mom and she asks you to join a committee. Well put the kids to bed, get your mommy sized wine glass and read 10 Ways to Get Out of Volunteering at School!

1.)“I’m Richard Nixon”

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Every morning, wake up, get dressed, have you relaxing cup of tea, read the paper, put on your Richard Nixon mask and take the kiddies to school. No one will ask the crazy mom who wears a Nixon mask to volunteer and even if they do, they will actually look like the crazy one for asking the crazy mom to help out at school. Other acceptable disguises: Donald Trump (no sane person would trust their child with him), Sarah Palin (see parenthetical about Trump), Joker or the Darrell Hammond Colonel Sander mask. All of these are sufficiently creepy enough to keep the PTA away.

2.)“I’m Allergic to Children”

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You see, children have this certain dust, musk, asbestos that causes allergy flair ups and I can’t get to the doctor to renew my prescription. They will know you’re lying but they won’t call you out on it so smile and walk away.

3.)“I Have Four More Children at Home”

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Having additional children means additional responsibility and less time to help. Also, the volunteers know that your children are probably wild and will end up creating more work on the project. Just hope that little Emma doesn’t tell anyone she’s an only child. Then you’re screwed.

4.)It’s Against My Religion

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No one wants to question anyone’s religious beliefs so people will steer clear of this excuse. Let’s say they do suddenly take an interest in your religious beliefs, tell them you are a Selfishatarian. “Sorry, our faith is based doing things that I enjoy, rather than on subjecting myself to hours of gossip about other moms, dads and nitpicking on whether to sell t-shirts for the fundraiser.

5.)“My Child Doesn’t Go to School Here”

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If Phoebe, the PTA President, approaches, pretend you are lost. When Phoebe says “we really need your help with the ABC Fundraiser,” then you say, “I’m sorry, we don’t go to school here. Do you know how to get to Macy’s?”

6.)“I Have to Work”

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This is a double-edged sword. While it may be true, you do have to work, some of these volunteer groupies will make you feel like the garbage parent if you tell them “I can’t because I work” so you have to go above and beyond. “I can’t because I have to work. I’m finding a cure for anal-retentive helicopter parents.” Everyone knows we need a cure for that so they’ll appreciate that.

7.)“I Have Back Problems”

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Now, for me, this is a statement of fact. I have found that wearing the Tens Electrotherapy device, wires hanging out of my clothes, control box within everyone’s eyesight seems to make people avoid asking for help. They’re probably thinking ‘she’s decrepit, I won’t bother her.’ When David, the Booster Club Committee chairperson for the ridiculous fundraiser to give already privileged kids better toilet paper, say, “I’m so sorry. I can’t. I have severe back problems. I can’t sit or stand for anymore than ten minutes.” Show him your Tens device. David will give you that “oh you poor thing,” pity look. When that happens, you’re home free!

8.)“I’m Drunk By 9am”

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Pour your iced tea into an empty whiskey bottle and carry it with you. Take a nice big swig as you walk past the mean mommies group who wears their yoga gear for morning drop-off as they spread rumors so why not add to it? While everyone will think you’re a drunk, no one will ever ask you to volunteer.

9.)“That’s When I Meet with My Mister”

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Maggie, the head of the magazine drive runs at you “oh you must help us stuff envelopes.” Lean in and whisper, “I can’t, I have to meet the men I’m having an affair with.” Wink at her and walk away. Then go to the grocery store. Ben and Jerry will be very excited to see you again. The people at school don’t need to know that a pint of ice cream is your dream lover.

.) “I Didn’t Pass the Background Check”

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Six little words that guarantee you won’t ever be asked to volunteer again.

Now, go my friend, head to school with no fear of being sucked into endless hours of listening to helicopter parents divulge the many ways they spy on their children, paper cuts and hearing which teacher is sleeping with which teacher. Your free time will be your own once again or until you pop out another bundle of joy. Your choice.