By now, most internet dwellers and cookie connoisseurs are aware of the highly anticipated Limited Edition Red Velvet Oreos. The official release date of these hot babes is February 2, but Oreo promised a free pack to some lucky winners. Being an extreme enthusiast of both Oreo cookies (I realize the are America's Favorite Cookie, but Oreos and I have something REAL, okay. I'm not just a fan. This is true love. This is forever. This is Give Me a Mountain of Oreos Instead of a Wedding Cake, Put Oreos Instead of Flowers on My Grave When I'm Gone seriousness. Romeo and Juliet sat the f*k down when they heard of Oreo and Talliet's love story), and the red velvet flavor of all cakes, cupcakes, and cookies, I couldn't believe this was real. This news was akin to seeing a Unicorn walk down 3rd Avenue. To finding a mermaid in a swimming pool. To touching Beyonce in person. Such ideas so mystical and wondrous simply could not exist. Nothing I had done in life was good enough to deserve such a reward. The rumors could NOT be as good as they seemed.
To make it even MORE unbelievable, I was told by this mythical new Internet that I could enter to win a whole free box of this 8th wonder of the world. Although part of me still couldn't believe any of this was real- surely I was dreaming? Hallucinating? Did I properly check the side effects of the pain meds I was on at the time?- entering to win wasn't even a choice. It was fate. It called to me. I did it, I put myself out there, and then I assumed that Oreo would find some taller, blonder, more talented desert lover to bless with their treasured Red Velvet token. I sighed, wished upon a star, and told myself to forget about it.
LO AND BEHOLD
The Red Velvet Oreo Prince Chose ME!
A mere pauper! Previously destined to spend the rest of my life scrubbing floors for my evil stepmother and stepsisters! The Red Velvet cookie fit in MY e-mail box!!
My life from this moment on would never be the same. And after a few agonizing weeks of waiting and wondering...(What would this crazy, genius, new Oreo be like? Would it be extra sweet? Would the cookie taste the same? And what about the cream cheese frosting creme filling?? Would I ever-heaven forbid-get sick of this new cookie?)
THE PACKAGE ARRIVED.
Opening the package was almost too much to handle. I felt like I was holding the rarest jewels on earth, a Picasso masterpiece, J.D. Salinger's lost manuscripts. The possibilities of what was about to happen extended throughout the universe.
And yet somewhere in the back of my mind...what if the cookies weren't as good as expected? What if the bliss of Red Velvet and Oreo unity really was too good to be true? What if this was just another cruel joke my evil stepsisters were playing on me.
Slowly, hand shaking with all of this emotion, I raised the cookie to my mouth...
The first bite
The earth stopped. Time stopped. Nothing was real except that perfect, blissful, sensory explosion of a moment. The cookie was perfectly Oreo quality yet a tad sweeter, lighter than the original. And then hit the creme filling. DELECTABLE. DIVINE. I was floating on clouds of fluffy white cream cheese frosting. I could eat this forever. I could live in this world forever. There is a heaven and it was BROUGHT TO ME by the beautiful matchmakers of Oreo cookies.
I am wrapped in sugary, extra smooth creme filling blankets on a bed of crispy Red Velvet perfection. Life has so much more meaning now that I have found true love. The world is full of so many more possibilities! Even when the box ends, R.V. Oreo and my love with go on forever. I am a changed woman, and my life is forever enriched for having taken the chance and given Red Velvet my heart (and my P.O. Box).
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