76 Things You'll Know After Three Years At University
Basics vodka + squash = the best drink ever.
1. Basics vodka and Basics squash is a perfectly valid cocktail.
2. But if you need to get drunk fast, you're better off with Basics rosé because it tastes just like pink Calpol.
3. Pizza tastes best when it's dripping with grease and eaten at 4am.
4. Same goes for cheesy chips.
5. And while we're on the subject of cheesy chips, it's entirely acceptable to stop at a kebab shop for a portion before you make it to the nightclub.
6. And to go back for a hungover lunch the next day.
7. And then to go out again, get wasted, and repeat the whole process.
8. When it comes to essays, you'll either run out of things to say and find it impossible to reach your word count, or have too much to say and find it impossible to cut it down. Either way, you'll never just hit your word count.
9. You'll never start writing an essay until the night before it's due in.
10. Rewording Wikipedia articles actually takes quite a long time.
11. Every now and then, it'll all get a bit much and you'll have to get a train home to hug your mum.
12. She won't like it if you take your laundry with you.
13. As soon as your parents drop you off for the first time, you'll realise that you actually know nothing.
14. Like how often you're meant to change your bedsheets.
15. Or which items of clothing you have to handwash.
16. Or how to change a lightbulb.
17. You'll either need a bayonet or a screw-in. Lightbulbs don't come in "medium".
18. Afternoon naps are life's greatest luxury.
19. So take as many of them as you can.
20. You shouldn't lie about the number of people you have had sex with during a freshers' week game of "Never Have I Ever".
21. Mostly because you'll end up keeping up the lie for a year, and then drunkenly telling your friends the truth a year later.
22. And they'll take great pleasure in telling every one of your future S.O.s about it.
23. Even when you're 24. 😐
24. You'll feel like a literal grown-up when you start university. But two years down the line, all you'll talk about is how young freshers seem.
25. You'll feel like a literal grown-up when you graduate. But two years down the line, all you'll talk about is how young recent grads seem.
26. With enough practice, you'll be able to throw together a fancy dress outfit in 10 minutes.
27. Even if all it involves is backcombing your hair, drawing eyeliner whiskers on your cheeks, and telling everyone you've come as a rat.
28. Or backcombing your hair, tying a leopard-print Primark scarf around your top half, and telling everyone you've come as a cavegirl.
29. There are tidy people and there are messy people. You should pick who you live with based on this, and this alone.
30. Because good friends can be bad housemates.
31. And it's easier than you think to turn into a passive-aggressive note writer.
32. It's also weirdly easy to dye everything you own pink in the wash.
33. And easier still to shrink it all.
34. Once you graduate, you'll never drink another Jägerbomb.
35. Which probably means you should drink them all now? Idk.
36. The first people you meet will probably not be your best friends.
37. But, somewhere along the line, you'll meet people who you'll want to hang out with every day for the rest of your life, even when you're old grannies in a nursing home.
38. Maybe you'll meet your best friend in the ladies toilet of a curry house.
39. Maybe you'll bond over the fact that she's throwing up in the toilet and you're throwing up in the sink.
40. People do some really gross things at uni.
41. But you shouldn't be judgmental, because you'll do gross things too.
42. Like throwing up in a sink while your best friend throws up in the toilet.
43. Your friends will understand the difference between stories they're allowed to share and stories that no one can ever know about. Including medical professionals.
44. At some point, you'll hear one of your close friends having sex.
45. You're allowed to make fun of them a bit, but not a lot.
46. Uni friends meeting home friends is weird the first time, and then 100% normal every other time.
47. Uni friends last longer than uni boyfriends. So make sure you prioritise who you spend your time with accordingly.
48. Because your friends are the ones who'll tell you that your bone structure is nice, brush your hair, and push you into the shower when your heart gets broken.
49. If one of your friends gets too drunk, it's your responsibility to take away their phone, make them drink a pint of water, and tuck them into bed.
50. And then relay all the embarrassing things they did the next day.
51. In extreme detail.
52. Even adults don't understand how student loans get paid off.
53. Which probably means you should just treat them as free money.
54. You don't have to pay them back, do you?
55. You will never go to any of the societies you sign up to at your freshers' fair.
56. But you will remain on their mailing lists until the day you graduate.
57. Maybe even afterwards.
58. The day you finish your finals will be the best day of your life.
59. And the next day will be the worst.
60. Basically all lecture notes go online, so don't worry if you miss one (or 10).
61. If shots cost £1, they're probably best avoided.
62. If shots come in test tubes and are handed out in a nightclub's smoking area, they are probably best avoided.
63. If shots come in glasses of Red Bull, they're probably best avoided.
64. Because drinking too much Red Bull makes your insides hurt.
65. Rowers don't talk about anything except rowing.
66. Universities are small places where everyone knows everyone else's business.
67. But you shouldn't believe everything you hear, because people easily get their stories mixed up.
68. Like if your name is Tabby and your best friend's name is Abi, people might think you're one person.
69. So talking about you will make it seem like you're one very drunk person who is making lots of very questionable decisions, when you're actually two very drunk people who are only making a handful of questionable decisions each.
70. No one in the history of the world has read every book on a reading list.
71. If you aim to read one book on every topic, you'll be fine.
72. You'll probably get a 2:1.
73. So don't stress out about it too much.
74. Stress about your graduation instead; it'll be much more emotional than you expect.
75. And even though you'll probably moan about university a lot, the three years you spend there will be the best.
76. And the town you spent them in will always feel like home.