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19 Things Victoria Beckham Has 100% Actually Said

These are all real quotes. Real. Quotes.

1. On the art of songwriting: "I'm quite an old-fashioned songwriter. I like a song that has lyrics and a good melody."

2. On bravery: "I'm not scared of death. I never wear a seatbelt on a plane."

3. On why she could never be an actress: "I can't remember lines."

4. On her aspirations: "I want to be as famous as Persil Automatic."

5. On her image: "I don't want to be seen smiling, having fun, or eating."

6. On Brooklyn's conception: "We did it in Denmark, if you really want to know."

7. On concentration: "I just can't concentrate in flats."

8. On choosing your drink: "Drink whatever you like, just so long as it coordinates with your nail varnish."

9. On making pies: "I've never made a pie."

10. On her style: "I'm a gay man in a woman's body."

11. On how others react to her style: "Some people aren't satisfied that I'm a gay man in a woman's body and swear that I'm secretly a real boy."

12. On what makes her sad: "I was completely shocked and devastated because I was wearing flat shoes."

13. On David's assets: "He does have a huge one, though. He does. You can see it in the advert. It is all his. It is like a tractor exhaust pipe!"

14. On how she stays thin: "Some women ask if I'm so thin because I shag all day. And I say, 'Actually, yes!' And I bet you would too if you were married to David Beckham."

15. On how she'd act if she were a waitress and also if she ran into Eddie Murphy: "I'd definitely spit in food if I worked in a restaurant. I'd spit in Eddie Murphy's food, definitely. I'd chop his dick off too."

16. On baseball: "I don't know too much about baseball. They wear tight trousers."

17. On her own singing talents: "I was never going to give Mariah Carey any competition."

18. On why she doesn't smile: "I'm smiling on the inside. I feel I have a responsibility to the fashion community."

19. On her own autobiography: "It's straight from the horse's mouth. Not that I'm saying I'm a horse."

<3 you VB.