1. “Good afternoon!” = “I know it’s 9am and that’s not the afternoon, but I’ve already hoovered the whole house and you’ve only just got up!”
2. “If you’re still hungry, there’s fruit in the bowl.” = “No, you can’t have a biscuit. I’m saving them for visitors.”
3. “I am not a taxi service.” = “You shouldn’t rely on me to drive you to your friend’s house, but I probably will anyway.”
4. “Your cousin Lucy’s engaged! Isn’t that lovely!” = “Are you still single?”
5. “You’re going out like that!” = “Please wear a coat.”
6. “Did you get that video I sent you on WhatsApp?” = “Why don’t you reply when I send you memes?”
7. “Oooh I like that Jamie Oliver.” = “I really fancy Jamie Oliver, but I’m suspicious that his 30 Minute Meals actually take 30 minutes to make.”
8. “Only boring people get bored” = “Stop moaning.”
9. “Your room is like a pigsty!” = “You’ve left one jumper on your bedroom floor and I’m going to need you to tidy up immediately.”
10. “I read a great article on property prices in the weekend supplement, I’ve popped it in the post for you.” = “You really should start saving for a house.”
11. “I read a terrible article about binge drinking, I’ve emailed it to you. Make sure you read it.” = “Please stop drinking.”
12. “I thought you might have died!” = “You haven’t been in touch for two whole days.”
13. “If you’re hungry, you should have finished your dinner." = “You may be 27-years-old, but I am never going to stop reminding you to eat your vegetables.”
14. “How’s Kate doing? She was such a lovely girl.” = “I’m fully aware you haven’t spoken to Kate since primary school, but I ran into her mum at the supermarket and I want to casually mention her so I can tell you her gossip.”
15. “How’s Tom? He was a lovely boy.” = “I’m also fully aware you haven’t spoken to Tom since primary school, but a part of me still hopes you’ll get married one day.”
16. “Dinner’s ready!” = “Dinner will be ready in 15 minutes but I want you to come downstairs now.”
17. “There’s rice at home.” = “No, we can’t go out for lunch.”
18. “LOL” = “Lots of love.”
19. “My fingers are too big to text!” = “I can’t be bothered to text.”
20. “How’s Rebecca’s mum? She was always very glamorous?” = “How’s Rebecca’s mum? She sometimes wore makeup for the school run.”
21. “No, I’m not busy. I was just watching Grand Designs”. = “I was actually very busy and I want you to know that I’m missing Kevin McCloud to be on the phone with you.”
22. “I’ve always wanted to go on a cruise.” = “My hairdresser just told me about a cruise she went on.”
23. “Are you taking your vitamins?” = “If you’re not, I won’t have any sympathy when you get a cold.”
24. “Do you want some chocolate pudding? I know it’s naughty, but I like something sweet after dinner.” = “Eat some pudding, I don’t want to be the only one having any.”
25. “Oh don’t get me anything for my birthday.” = “I want one very specific thing, but I’m not going to tell you what it is.”
26. “Is that a hole in your jumper.” = “Take your jumper off right now, I need to mend it within the minute.”
27. “This is your mother.” = “It’s been so long since you called that I’m going to have to remind you who I actually am.”
28. “Why are you seeing to Charlotte? She was a horrid girl.” = “I don’t care that you’ve both moved on: Charlotte was mean to you in year 5 and I’m not over it.”
29. “I made you mash because I know it’s your favourite.” = “You told me you liked mashed potato when you were six-years-old and I will forever consider it your favourite food.”
30. "Back in my day..." = "I'm going to make it sound like the stone age, but it was really only 30 years ago."
31. "Could you help me with the wifi?" = "I can't be bothered to look in the instructions manual."
32. "You need to buy more tights" = "I have never had a hole in my tights and I don’t understand why you always do."
33. "Do you ever clean this kitchen?" = "I have spotted one crumb on your counter."
34. "That's a fun dress!" = "That's a bright colour."
35. "This isn’t a hotel you know." = "Don’t use my stuff."
36. “Before we leave, has everyone been to the toilet?” = Literally exactly that. She's just looking out for you.