19 Philosophers, Ranked By Hotness

Hubba hubba.

19. Jeremy Bentham.

Do utilitarians pray? Because you’re the answer to my prayers.

18. George Berkeley.

I’ve lost my phone number, could I borrow your critique of abstraction?

17. John Stuart Mill.

See my friend over there? She wants to hear your conception of liberty. So do I.

16. René Descartes.

Feel my shirt as you read your Meditations. It’s girlfriend material.

15. Thomas Hobbes.

If I told you that you had a great perspective on social contract theory, would you hold it against me?

14. Karl Marx.

The Communist Manifesto would look great on my bedroom floor.

13. Gottfried Leibniz.

I’ll cook you dinner and talk infinitesimal calculus if you cook me breakfast.

12. David Hume.

People call you an empiricist, but I’ll call you tonight.

11. Immanuel Kant.

Do you like raisins? No? What about directly experiencing things? Still no? How about a date, then?

10. Plato.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I get your attention with a Socratic dialogue?

9. Jean-Jacques Rousseau.

If I could rearrange convention, I’d put private property and true civil societies together.

8. John Locke.

Are you tired? It’s just, your theory of mind has been running through my head all day.

7. Aristotle.

Is it hot in here, or is that just something I perceived?

6. John Rawls.

I’ve lost my bedding. Could I share your veil of ignorance?

5. Søren Kierkegaard.

I hope you know CPR as well as you know existentialism, because you take my breath away.

4. Daniel Dennett.

Free will and determinism may be compatible, and so are we.

3. Friedrich Nietzsche.

I’ve lost my teddy bear. Do you know an Übermensch I could sleep with instead?

2. Michel Foucault.

They say social theories are a numbers game, so can I have yours?

1. Ludwig Wittgenstein.

Your thoughts on logical relationships between propositions and the world may be wasted on me, but the condom in your wallet doesn’t have to be.

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Tabatha Leggett is head of buzz at BuzzFeed UK and is based in London.
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