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If "One Tree Hill" Was Set In Britain

It'd be about football, for a start.

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1. For starters, Lucas and Nathan would be football players, not basketball players.

2. And they'd first compete against each other in a surprise Bleep Test in P.E.

3. They'd be called Luke and Matt, because no one in England is called Lucas or Nathan.

4. Instead of being coached by a sweet, retired guy like Whitey, their coach would be an Australian gap year wanker who was temping as a P.E. assistant.

5. He'd work at JD Sports at the weekend.

6. Brooke would really fancy him.

7. Brooke would be called Charlotte and Peyton would be called Holly.

8. Haley could keep her name, but she'd spell it properly: Hayley.

9. Brooke and Peyton wouldn't be cheerleaders. Instead, they'd be popular lacrosse girls who'd always get the back seats of the bus to away games.

10. They'd carry their P.E. kit in Jane Norman carriers.

11. And they'd go to Millie's Cookies every lunchtime.

12. Haley wouldn't be Nathan's tutor, because people in the same year don't tutor each other in England.

13. Instead they'd meet in Drama Club, which they'd both sign up to because they'd need something to put on their UCAS forms.

14. Their first play would be something like Of Mice And Men or To Kill A Mockingbird, which Haley would have already read ahead of her GCSEs.

15. She'd end up helping Nathan with his comparative homework from the AQA Poetry Anthology.

16. Instead of running a café, Karen would run a chippy.

17. Haley would have a part time job there, but there's no way she'd be allowed to work on weeknights.

18. The Scott family would appear on The Jeremy Kyle Show in an effort to resolve their fallout.

19. But Dan would walk out the moment Keith entered the stage, despite Jeremy Kyle's cries of, "BUT THINK ABOUT THE KIDS!"

20. They'd all bond over the fact that Jeremy Kyle is a massive bellend.

21. But it'd still be really awkward whenever Keith and Dan were waiting around in the school car park to pick up Lucas and Nathan.

22. Peyton would spend her evenings writing Myspace memos.

23. And instead of setting up a live webcam, she'd flirt with Lucas on MSN.

24. Eventually they'd go on a teenage date to Pizza Hut.

25. But a few weeks later he'd take Brooke for a cheeky Nando's.

26. And that would be the basis of their first fallout.

27. Every time Peyton and Brooke fell out thereafter, they'd demote each other in their Myspace Top 8s.

28. They'd both have Lucas as number 1.

29. Peyton wouldn't be able to spend her evenings irresponsibly driving around in a 1963 Mercury Convertible because she wouldn't have her license yet.

30. Instead she'd take driving lessons in a second hand Nissan Micra.

31. Her parents would have bought it for her as a 17th birthday gift from Dan's garage.

32. It would be hard for Peyton to ~seem~ rebellious because she'd have to wear uniform to school.

33. But she would undo her top button, untuck her shirt, and roll up her skirt.

34. She might even wear a shag band.

35. Haley wouldn't perform in a cool, underground bar. She'd perform at her local Battle Of The Bands.

36. The girls would stand on one side of the room, and the boys would stand on the other.

37. And everyone would get really hyper from eating too much rainbow sherbet.

38. Haley would eventually get suspended for getting that "23" tattoo.

39. And even if she did go into labour on her last day at school, it wouldn't really matter because all she'd miss would be a naff Leavers' Assembly.

40. And Peyton would just make sure everyone signed her shirt anyway.

41. And after the summer, Haley would be waaaaay too busy revising for her AS levels to go on tour with Chris Keller, so he would never stand in the way of her relationship with Nathan, and they would never have any marriage problems, the end.