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    A Ranking Of 13 Important "Sex And The City" Men

    Sorry, Big fans. You're not going to like this.

    by , ,

    Hello! We (Tabatha, Ailbhe, and Roz) have seen every episode of Sex And The City approximately 1,000 times.

    Recently, we got to thinking... what would happen if we tried to rank the show's men?

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    Ailbhe: So which of the women would you marry? I think probably Charlotte for me.

    Roz: Yes, Charlotte. Except she can be a pain in the arse.

    Tabatha: IDK, I reckon Miranda would make a good wife.

    Ailbhe: URGH. MIRANDA? NEVER. YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE MINDING BRADY.

    Tabatha: But she'd look after your mum if she became senile in her old age.

    Roz: Aw, that is true.

    13. Richard Wright

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    Ailbhe: Richard is like a bachelor uncle who goes to "gentlemen’s clubs" and has dinner there.

    Tabatha: Richard gives me the creeps.

    Ailbhe: For a while I didn’t mind him because Samantha knew what was up. But when he started messing her around, I was like: No. She is better than this.

    Tabatha: Remember when he gets a private jet to Atlantic City with Samantha and Charlotte and he basically has sex with Samantha there and then. So rude.

    Ailbhe: And Charlotte was feeling old as well! It was her birthday!

    Roz: He did bring out one of the best moments in the show though. When Samantha sticks up flyers saying “This man is a cheater” and the police officer is all, “Excuse me, ma'am, you can’t do that." And she says, “This man ate another woman’s pussy out.” “Oh, go ahead ma'am.”

    Ailbhe: And she throws a martini in his face. Very satisfying.

    Roz: Such a badass moment.

    12. Trey MacDougal

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    Ailbhe: URGGHHHHHHHHHH

    Tabatha: God, he's awful. This actor plays the exact same character in Desperate Housewives too: Orson.

    Roz: Ewwwww. The worst. And his MOTHER is just the worst, too. What was her name? Bunny?

    Ailbhe: Bunny Mc Dougal was a terrible person.

    Tabatha: Sorry but I disagree. Bunny MacDougal is the woman I aspire to be.

    Roz: She was awwffffulllll!!

    Tabatha: She was SO POWERFUL though.

    Ailbhe: That’s only because she OWNED SO MUCH PROPERTY. She was literally powerful.

    Tabatha: But she was also INCREDIBLY glam. Her hair was always so elegantly pinned back.

    Roz: Back to Trey. I hated how Charlotte was so feeble around him.

    Tabatha: OMG sorry to be gross, but remember when he couldn’t get an erection and she just found him wanking over the bathroom sink.

    Ailbhe: And then she stuck her face on the magazine! I was like: Charlotte that is not the solution.

    Roz: You do not tackle erectile problems by sticking your face on dirty magazines. That is not how it works.

    11. Mr. Big

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    Tabatha: OK I have a lot of questions about this man. 1. Why does he spend all day in a car? 2. How much does his driver get paid? 3. What is his actual job? 4. Why does he never make a penis joke about the fact that his girlfriend literally calls him “Mr Big”?

    Roz: What is his job?!

    Ailbhe: “Finance”? More importantly, though: Why does he speak like an old timey gangster? "Hey, kid!” NOPE NOPE NOPE.

    Roz: Is his job just to drive around in that car?

    Ailbhe: Does he live in the car?

    Tabatha: It must smell very stuffy.

    Ailbhe: Also is the fact that we keep focusing on the status symbols a part of the consumerist culture SATC reflected?! MAKES U THINK.

    10. Aleksandr Petrovsky

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    Roz: WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SOOOOOOOOOOO CRAAAAPPPPPPPP.

    Tabatha: This guy is such a dick.

    Roz: He's horrible, and then he hits Carrie in the last episode! It’s like: No, mate. You can fuck right off.

    Tabatha: And that scene where they go to McDonald's and dance. Just sit down and eat your burger.

    Ailbhe: And there's the time when Carrie turns up at his flat with the girls and he's horrible to her.

    Tabatha: BUT, his flat is verrrrrry nice.

    Roz: He wins nice-flat-points. That's about it

    9. Jack Berger

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    Roz: Berger was just the worst. Whiney, self-obsessed, woe is me – he was perfect for Carrie.

    Tabatha: And then he broke up with her by Post-It.

    Roz: Didn’t the writer write that into the script because it happened to her IRL?

    Ailbhe: I hate that I fancy him. He's everyone that ever did English Lit. But also, can you imagine dating Carrie? I would also find it hard to deal with her Vogue word rate.

    Roz: Oh the book! When she talks about the SCRUNCHIE. OMG, what a weird episode.

    Tabatha: And she says it like "sssssccccchhhhhhrrrrruuuunnnncccchiiiiieeeee."

    Ailbhe: But there was that bit when he turned up at that wedding in the Hamptons on his motorbike in this perfectly crumpled suit and wow.

    Tabatha: Hang on, his last name is Berger. That’s very funny.

    8. Skipper Johnston

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    Ailbhe: LOOK AT HIM. HE IS A DWEEBY STEVE.

    Roz: Skipper was so wet and boring and just blaaaaaaaah. But didn’t he have really great sex with Miranda? Or am i just thinking he did just because I feel sorry for him?

    Ailbhe: I mean, give Skipper that win if you want.

    Tabatha: Remember when he described himself as “a romantic”. That’s not a thing you can say about yourself, is it?

    Ailbhe: Certainly not to Miranda. Can you imagine her face? Like D-(

    7. Aidan Shaw

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    Ailbhe: The first time round, Aidan round is sweet but a drip. The second time, he's cynical but buff.

    Roz: Carrie breaking his heart is the worst thing ever.

    Tabatha: I find Aidan and Carrie a very creepy couple because they’re such different sizes. His hand is the size of her entire torso.

    Ailbhe: I like everything that Aidan has to offer (tables, dogs, etc) but as a person he is just zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

    Tabatha: It was weird that he didn't get more angry when Carrie lost his dog. Imagine if you owned that dog and then Carrie lost it. I’d be furious.

    Roz: Oh, I’d lose my shit. Even then, Carrie managed to make the dog running away some sort of emotional turning point for herself. It’s like, no: You lost a fucking dog, sort it out.

    Ailbhe: I think the fact that we are all focusing on Pete the dog means Aidan does not rank highly.

    Tabatha: Pete is a zzzzzzzzz dog name.

    6. Ray King

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    Roz: For some reason, I can't remember this character saying anything. I just remember him leering at Carrie, then they have sex, and that was about it? Silent jazz man who slept with Carrie.

    Ailbhe: JAZZZZZZZZZZ! HE LOVED JAZZZZZZZZ.

    Tabatha: I remember this man very clearly because he played Carrie as though she were an instrument, which is a strange thing for a boyfriend to do. And didn't he wear a very distinctive hat?

    Ailbhe: He did indeed wear a hat.

    Roz: I wasn’t keen on the hat tbh.

    5. Bill Kelley

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    Tabatha: The pee man!

    Roz: Right, so I know he was the pee man, but I actually fancy him more than any of the others. I also hate to also keep bringing up their other roles too, but Man Men, come on!

    Tabatha: He also plays a political candidate on Desperate Housewives. But he doesn’t pee on Gabby.

    Ailbhe: Thinking back on it, I’m surprised Carrie’s bath was big enough. Her flat was tiny, and I always assumed she just keep more shoes in the bath.

    4. Dr Robert Leeds

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    Tabatha: This was the hot sports doctor.

    Roz: He's handsome, and had a great job, but he made that dumb "I love you" cookie. Terrible idea. Who gives the woman they're seeing a cookie with “I love you” on it after a couple of weeks?

    Ailbhe: Did he ever meet her friends? I don’t think he did. That’s weird, to give someone an "I love you" cookie without meeting their friends first.

    Tabatha: And he gets weirdly bitter about their break up. He won’t let Miranda use the lift in case he runs into her. I mean, come on.

    Roz: Also there was the time he *checked out* the NBA girls with Miranda right next to him. It's like, duuuude: They are so young and you’re a grown man.

    Ailbhe: I like how handy he is though. He fixed the telly.

    3. Smith Jerrod

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    Ailbhe: Smith was so lovely.

    Tabatha: Yes, he was basically the dream man: stupidly good looking, ridiculously successful, good in bed... and then he shaved his hair off when Samantha lost hers <3<3<3.

    Roz: And he was the first person who really made her happy.

    Tabatha: That scene where Samantha goes upstairs with Richard, and Smith just waits for her in the hotel lobby: I cry whenever I think about that.

    Roz: That scene is such a turning point for them as a couple.

    Ailbhe: But, but, but: can you imagine saying his name to your parents? Or your work friends? And Samantha changed his name because his real one was worse. JERRY JERROD.

    Roz: Hahaha, yes! And he's on the Absolut Vodka adverts in the first few episodes!

    Ailbhe: "Hello, here is my boyfriend. He is on a billboard and his name is JERRY JERROD. NO, HE’S LOVELY. I SWEAR, HE'S VERY SUPPORTIVE."

    2. Steve Brady

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    Ailbhe: I find it hard to like Steve because his clothes are so gross. But maybe at the time they were cool?

    Tabatha: Bad clothes aside, Steve is my absolute favourite. He’s SO cute. It’s weird because he’s verrrrrry drippy, which I don't normally find attractive, but wahhhhhh he loves Miranda so much.

    Roz: Remember when he dates that "super hot" young woman because Miranda is with Robert? Even then he still loves Miranda.

    Tabatha: I find Steve and Aidan's friendship very odd. Like, what did they do when they hung out? I think the vibe of their evenings together must be like that Friends scene where Ross and Mike have to talk.

    Roz: WTF was that weird Aidan and Steve friendship about? I think the writers just got lazy and lumped them together.

    Ailbhe: I like how chill he is though. Chill with ambition. Just how I like ‘em.

    1. Harry Goldenblatt

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    Roz: I LOVE HARRY. One of the top guys in the show.
    Ailbhe:
    I love Harry too. Except I cannot forgive him when he gets food on his face. I feel a bit sick thinking of all the schmutz on his face.

    Tabatha: He lovely but he's too gross. He leaves used tea bags around the flat. Who does that?!

    Ailbhe: He is a bit gross, isn’t he? But that’s good for Charlotte. She needed someone who wouldn’t be too precious.

    Roz: Harry is also bbbyyyy farrrrrr the most emotionally stable man on the entire show. Not just emotionally stable, but just like, a good person.

    Tabatha: What about when he shaved his back and came out in a rash, though? Bleurgh.

    Roz: I love him. And Charlotte chooses to convert to Judaism for him!

    Ailbhe: Because of that plot line I spent quite some time googling Episcopalian, as I had never heard of it.

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    Tabatha: So if you had to marry one of them who would you marry? I pick Steve.

    Roz: Harry or Bill. I don’t fancy Harry, but he’s a gem.

    Ailbhe: I guess Harry but I couldn’t live with him. Do I have to live with my SATC husband?

    Tabatha: You would have to live with Harry, yes. He’d need the constant reassurance that you love him.

    Roz: Actually, Aidan is the best because he has the dog.

    Ailbhe: OK, I will take Aidan and Pete.

    Tabatha: Sometimes, can Steve and I come walk Pete? Steve would carry doggy snacks in his pockets.

    Ailbhe: It would be awkward. You and Steve can walk Pete but Aidan and I will be out.

    Roz: We all agree none of us would pick Big?

    Tabatha: Absolutely not.

    Ailbhe: 100% not.

    For a comprehensive ranking of all the SATC men, click here.

    Aidan's dog is called Pete. Samantha and Charlotte took a private jet to Atlantic City. An earlier version of this article said that Aidan's dog was called Buster, and that the girls went to Vegas.

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