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1. Remove all undergarments and makeup, put hair up in a lopsided ponytail, and put on sweats (preferably one with stains or tears). If you are going to be pathetic you must look the part first.
2. Cry like a banshee. If the neighbors do not think there is a squadron of cats in heat in your house then you are doing it wrong.
3. Eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food. I have tried other flavors but they do not have the same soothing effect. Chase with a super-sized bag of potato chips.
4. Shop for something outrageously expensive online. In my past troubled times, I have (almost) purchased a entire set of Louis Vuitton luggage, a Hawaiian vacation, diamonds, and a small island.
5. Watch several hours of reality TV. Nothing will make you say "I'm really OK" quicker than watching self-destructing train wrecks wallow in their misery.
6. Plot your revenge. I'm not going to give any tips here because it may incriminate me.
7. Plan your getaway. Now that you have exacted your revenge, you will need to skip town. Spend several hours investigating housing prices, commute times, and the ability of fugitives to blend in with society.
8. Take several naps. Being a hot mess takes a lot out of you and I find I deal best with annoying situations when I am unconscious.
9. Avoid Alcohol. Nothing is worse than being pathetic than being drunk and pathetic. It may also lead to having "make me feel better" sex with an unattractive person which will make you more miserable than ever.
10. Tell your friends they are, under no circumstances, to tell you anything happy that is happening in their lives. That new baby can be celebrated when you are good and damned ready to be happy about it.
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