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Animals March Madness, Round Two: Walruses Vs. Elephants

The gentle giants face off in our special pageant round!

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Here's how voting works this time around: you can choose a winner of each of the five categories below (Cuteness, Congeniality, Talent, Giffability, Evening Wear). One animal will be declared a winner of each category, and whoever wins the most categories wins this round! Please campaign for your animal here in the comments and on Twitter with hashtags #TeamWalrus and #TeamElephant. May the best animal win!


Alaska Sea Life Center

Listen, I guess baby elephants are cute if you're into super boring things that everyone thinks are cute. Zzzzzzzzz. But if you're the type of person who likes to find your squees in unusual faces, look no further than the adorably mustached baby walrus in a bucket. I mean, he's in a bucket for starters. He's also an orphan. Are you really going to be the one to tell him he's not cute? That would be heartless.

-Summer Anne Burton

Markus Schreiber / Getty Images

Meet Anchali, the baby elephant who's proof that elephants aren't just normal animal cute, they are exceptionally, painfully cute. Take note of her floppy ears, her wee little trunk, and her fuzzy head and knees. Does everyone thinks she's cute? Yeah, maybe. But that's because LOOK AT HOW CUTE SHE IS. Frankly, I think that walrus up there would agree.

-Matt Bellassai


There is probably nothing better than being snuggled by a walrus. I wouldn't know because my life has been missing this delight for far too long, but oh man does it look fucking great or what? That walrus loves cuddling. As far as I can tell, walruses only like a handful of things: sleeping, eating, cuddling, and occasionally swimming. THOSE ARE ALL OF THE THINGS THAT WE LIKE, GUYS. Voting for walruses in Congeniality is like giving yourself a pat on the back for being a-ok.

Let this scene sink in for a second. This is an adorably furry elephant — like, remarkably furry elephant — trying to be best friends with this mom and her baby, because that's just the kind of animals elephants are. They want to be your friend. Yes, they're freakin' huge. And they KNOW they're freakin' huge. But they want to just cuddle up with you and sit in your lap and nuzzle your face with their head fuzz. Nuzzling your face with head fuzz is probably the most congenial thing an animal can do.


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Here, a walrus plays the saxophone and then proceeds to dance the tango. COME AT ME, ELEPHANTS.

Jeff Moore / ZSL / Splash News

Look, anybody can blow into a saxophone and wiggle around. I'm doing that as I type this. But not everybody can pick up a tiny little paint brush with their ginormous trunk and paint a masterpiece. OH, ALSO: this painting was sold for CHARITY. Because elephants use their talents for good — not just to show off.


The reality part of expectations vs. reality when you're trying to flirt is this walrus. This walrus is all of us. We are all this walrus. GIF UP, ELEFAKES.

This is an elephant waving goodbye. As in, GOODBYE WALRUSES. NICE TRY. ALSO: He's wiggling his big, floppy ears. COME ON.


Shh, no one tell this WALRUS that wearing a DOG MASK doesn't really qualify as "evening wear." Walruses have troubling finding things in their size is all. That doesn't make them any less dashing, what with the mustaches and all.

Look, elephants aren't fancy folks. This elephant isn't in a stunning Valentino gown. He's in an adorable little raincoat. Because he's practical. He probably bought this raincoat at Sears, because that's just the kind of elephant he his — cute, smart, and savvy. And let's be honest, he's rockin' this raincoat. I mean, he's ROCKIN' this raincoat.

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