30 Healthy Ways To Teach Kids About Consent
Create a future with less rape and sexual assault by teaching children about having empathy for others and understanding consent. Condensed and reprinted with permission from The Good Men Project.
For Children Ages 1-5
1. Teach children to ask permission before touching or embracing a playmate. Use langauge such as, "Sarah, let's ask Joe if he would like to hug bye-bye." If Joe says "no" to this request, cheerfully tell your child, "That's okay, Sarah! Let's wave bye-bye to Joe and blow him a kiss."
2. Help create empathy within your child by explaining how something they have done may have hurt someone. Use language like, "I know you wanted that toy, but when you hit Mikey, it hurt him and he felt very sad. And we don't want Mikey to feel sad because we hurt him."
3. Teach kids to help others who may be in trouble. Talk to kids about helping other children, and alerting trusted grown-ups when others need help. Use the family pet as an example, "Oh, it looks like the kitty's tail is stuck! We have to help her!!"
4. Teach your kids that "no" and "stop" are important words and should be honored. Also teach your child that his or her "no's" are to be honored. Explain that just like we always stop doing something when someone says "no", that our friends need to always stop when we say "no", too.
5. Encourage children to read facial expressions and other body language: Scared, happy, sad, frustrated, angry and more. Charade-style guessing games with expressions are a great way to teach children how to read body language.
6. Never force a child to hug, touch or kiss anybody, for any reason. If Grandma is demanding a kiss, and your child is resistant, offer alternatives by saying something like, "Would you rather give Grandma a high-five or blow her a kiss, maybe?" You can always explain to Grandma, later, what you're doing and why.
7. Model consent by asking for permission to help wash your child's body. Keep it upbeat and always honor the child's request to not be touched. "Can I wash your back now? How about your feet? How about your bottom?" If the child says "no" then hand them the washcloth and say, "Cool! Your booty needs a wash. Go for it."
8. Give children the opportunity to say yes or no in everyday choices, too. Let them choose clothing and have a say in what they wear, what they play, or how they do their hair.
9. Allow children to talk about their body in any way they want, without shame. Teach them the correct words for their genitals, and make yourself a safe place for talking about bodies and sex. Say, "I'm so glad you asked me that!" If you don't know how to answer their questions the right way just then, say, "I'm glad you're asking me about this, but I want to look into it. Can we talk about it after dinner?" and make sure you follow up with them when you say you will.
10. Talk about "gut feelings" or instincts. Sometimes things make us feel weird, or scared, or yucky and we don't know why. Ask your child if that has ever happened with them and listen quietly as they explain.
11. "Use your words." Don't answer and respond to temper tantrums. Ask your child to use words, even just simple words, to tell you what's going on.
For Children Ages 5-12
1. Teach kids that the way their bodies are changing is great, but can sometimes be confusing. The way you talk about these changes—whether it's loose teeth or pimples and pubic hair—will show your willingness to talk about other sensitive subjects.
2. Encourage them to talk about what feels good and what doesn't. Do you like to be tickled? Do you like to be dizzy? What else? What doesn't feel good? Being sick, maybe? Or when another kid hurts you? Leave space for your child to talk about anything else that comes to mind.
3. Remind your child that everything they're going through is natural, growing up happens to all of us.
4. Teach kids how to use safewords during play, and help them negotiate a safeword to use with their friends. At this age, saying "no" may be part of the play, so they need to have one word that will stop all activity. Maybe it's a silly one like "Peanut Butter" or a serious one like, "I really mean it!" Whatever works for all of them is good.
5. Teach kids to stop their play every once in a while to check in with one another. Teach them to take a T.O. (time out) every so often, to make sure everyone's feeling okay.
6. Encourage kids to watch each others' facial expressions during play to be sure everyone's happy and on the same page.
7. Help kids interpret what they see on the playground and with friends. Ask what they could do or could have done differently to help.
8. Don't tease kids for their boy-girl friendships, or for having crushes. Whatever they feel is okay. If their friendship with someone else seems like a crush, don't mention it. You can ask them open questions like, "How is your friendship with Sarah going?" and be prepared to talk—or not talk—about it.
9. Teach children that their behaviors affect others. Ask them to observe how people respond when other people make noise or litter, and ask them what they think will happen as a result. Will someone else have to clean up the litter? Will someone be scared? Explain to kids how the choices they make affect others and talk about when are good times to be loud, and what are good spaces to be messy.
10. Teach kids to look for opportunities to help. Can they pick up the litter? Can they be more quiet so as not to interrupt someone's reading on the bus? Can they offer to help carry something or hold a door open? All of this teaches kids that they have a role to play in helping ease both proverbial and literal loads.
For Teens And Young Adults
1. Education about "good touch/bad touch" remains crucial, particularly in middle school. This is an age where various "touch games" emerge: butt-slapping, boys hitting one another in the genitals and pinching each other's nipples to cause pain. When kids talk about these games, a trend emerges where boys explain that they think the girls like it, but the girls explain that they do not. We must get kids talking about the ways in which these games impact other people.
2. Build teens' self esteem. In middle school, bullying shifts to specifically target identity, and self-esteem starts to plummet around age 13. By age 17, 78% of girls report hating their bodies. Remark to them regularly about their talents, their skills, their kindness, as well as their appearance. Even if they shrug you off with a, "Dad! I know!" it's always good to hear the things that make you great.
3. Continue having "sex talks" with middle schoolers, but start incorporating information about consent. Ask questions like, "How do you know whether your partner is ready to kiss you?" and "How do you think you can tell if a girl (or boy) is interested in you?" This is a great time to explain enthusiastic consent. About asking permission to kiss or touch a partner. Explain that only "yes" means "yes".
4. Nip "locker room talk" in the bud. Middle school is the age where sex-talk begins in gender-segregated environments, like locker rooms and sleep overs. Their crushes and desire are normal and healthy, but we need to model how to talk about our crushes as whole people. If you overhear a kid say, "She's a hot piece of ass" you could say, "Hey, I think she's more than just an ass!" You can keep it jokey, and they'll roll their eyes at you, but it sinks in.
5. It's common, and perfectly okay, to be overwhelmed or confused by new hormonal feelings. Tell your kids that no matter what they're feeling, they can talk to you about it. But their feelings, desires and needs are no one's responsibility but their own. They still need to practice kindness and respect for everyone around them.
6. Mentor teenage and college-aged boys and young men about what masculinity is. Ask what hasn't been so good about our culture of masculinity in the past. How can we build a more inclusive form of masculinity that embraces all types of guys: from jocks to theater kids to queer folks to everyday you-and-me? These conversations can encourage a non-violent form of masculinity for the future.
7. Make it clear that you don't want them drinking or using drugs, but that you know kids party and you want your kids to be informed. Ask them questions about how they are going to keep themselves and others safe. Be careful about the language you use with your kids about partying. The responsibility is never on the victim to have prevented his or her assault. It is always on the perpetrator to make the right decision and not harm anyone.
8. Keep talking about sex and consent with teens as they start having serious relationships. Yeah, they'll tell you they know it all, but continuing the conversation about healthy consent, respecting our partners, and healthy sexuality shows them how important these themes are to you.
9. Teens are thirsty for more information about sexual assault, consent, and healthy sexuality. They want to learn, and they will find a way to get information about sex. If you are the one providing that information—lovingly, honestly and consistently—they will carry that information out into the world with them.