101 Relationship Statuses Facebook Needs In These Confusing Times

It’s complicated. REALLY complicated.

1. Single and READY TO MINGLE!

2. Single and ready for a Friday Night Lights marathon and at least three bags of microwave popcorn.

3. Single, and have been for some time… starting to wonder if it’s me?

4. Single — BOOM, TAKE THAT. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.

5. Single and currently right swiping on Tindr.

6. Single and currently left swiping on Tindr.

7. Single, for the first time in years and really happy about it so please don’t fuck it up by having perfect cheekbones or smelling really good.

8. Please display [Single] for the person I have an all-consuming crush on and hide for everyone else.

9. Single but thinking daily about someone I dated seven years ago — is this you, Chris?

10. In a cool relationship.

11. In an adequate relationship.

12. In a shitty relationship.

13. In a relationship that works most of the time but I’m not 100% positive that it’s going to stay that way just because I get really grossed out when they eat and we don’t have sex anymore.

14. In a relationship, if by “relationship” you mean watching tattoo reality shows all night and sleeping in the same bed but with two different sets of covers.

15. In a relationship but please don’t let that stop you from flirting with me — I really like it when you flirt with me.

16. In a relationship with someone whose relationship status is hidden on Facebook and I want to ask them to change it but I feel like it’s such stupid thing I shouldn’t care about.

17. In a relationship with someone who isn’t on Facebook and hates having their photo online and so I worry that people who don’t know me very well think I completely made this significant other up, but I swear I didn’t.

18. In a relationship with my vibrator.

19. In a relationship with my neighbor’s cat.

20. In a relationship with french fries.

21. In a relationship with my best friend’s Facebook account, LOL.

22. In a relationship with my best friend’s Facebook account but I actually am secretly in love with them.

23. In a relationship with my best friend, actually (aww).

24. In a relationship that may have just ended, but maybe it was just a really bad fight and I haven’t decided if I should change my relationship status yet.

25. In a happy relationship but feeling a twinge of jealousy every time people tell funny stories about dating.

26. In an unfulfilling relationship and just waiting for one of my Facebook friends to read this and help coach me through actually breaking up with someone.

27. In the best relationship I’ve ever been in but can’t seem to get happy anyway because that’s what being me is like.

28. In a relationship but literally ready to drop it as soon as YOU friend request me — you know who you are.

29. In a relationship and not cheating or trying to, but feeling like I might if I had the opportunity and I was drunk enough, which makes me feel like a terrible person and like I might as well have already done it.

30. In a relationship but suspect my significant other is cheating and I spend the majority of my Facebook time digging up clues on this subject

31. Engaged and have been for over two years… and let’s face it it’s probably never going to happen.

32. Engaged but still pretty sure we’ll break up before we even get to the serious planning stages of our wedding.

33. Engaged but secretly completely panicked and trying desperately to figure out how to deal and whether to break it off before or after our already-paid for wedding.

34. Engaged with this fascinating article I was just reading.

36. Just engaged, literally never checking Facebook because I spend all my time on Pinterest looking at DIY projects I will never have the time or energy to pull off for my own wedding.

37. Not actually engaged, but there’s 700 pins on my Pinterest wedding board and I’m hoping they get the hint soon?

38. Married and it’s super great.

39. Married and it’s exactly like it was before we were married.

40. Married and living with a mountain of regret.

41. Married and pretending I’m single on a dating website, just waiting for that inevitable moment when one of my spouse’s friends sees me and my entire life becomes a lie.

42. Married and still just as in love as I was when we were falling and it makes all of our other friends sick.

43. Married and loving my spouse so much that suddenly death scares me in a way that it never did before and I’m not sure it’s worth it TBH.

44. Married with children and it’s too late to change my mind about all this, huh?

45. Married with a new baby and trying to figure out if it’s cool to have sex with their crib in the room.

46. Married with two families who don’t know about each other.

47. Married with cats and I’m pretty sure I love them as much as people love their kids.

48. Married to tequila.

49. Married to hot dogs.

50. Married “to my work” [hoping my boss reads this].

51. Married to the Streets, the 2012 album by Young Scooter.

52. In a civil union because people in my state are prejudiced.

53. In a civil union out of solidarity because we’re really, really good people.

54. In a civil union, in a cute ironic way because my boyfriend is afraid of commitment.

55. In a civil union with my roommate / best friend / dog’s facebook account, LOL.

56. In a civil union with tacos.

57. In a domestic partnership, because eff the government.

58. In a domestic partnership if by “domestic” you mean “sharing rent” and by partnership you mean “person who I have sex with periodically and who makes a mess”.

59. In a domestic partnership, which is totally lovely and no we’re not planning to get married and please for the love of god stop asking us.

60. In a domestic partnership, and daydreaming every day about the days when I lived alone.

61. In a domestic partnership, because saying it here will help make the argument to my employer that my roommate should be able to join my health insurance.

62. In a domestic partnership with the Real Housewives of Orange County.

63. In an open relationship, which is going great and I don’t want to answer any questions about it even though there was no need for me to mention it here and yet I have.

64. In an open relationship if you’re Zooey Deschanel or Benedict Cumberbatch, those are our “exceptions”.

65. In an open relationship because my partner read a book about it — it’s great, really. <— sarcasm font.

66. In an open relationship and having sex with different people whenever I’m bored while still in a deeply nurturing relationship with my partner — I know you’re kind of jealous but will act incredulous and clutch your pearls instead.

67. In an open relationship with pizza — you’re welcome to share.

68. Separated from reality.

69. Separated from Ryan Gosling, which is really too bad.

70. Divorced, but actually we were never married, I’m just feeling really dramatic.

71. Divorced, thank God.

72. Divorced, and I have no idea why I haven’t just changed my status to single but it feels like another letting go and I’m not ready.

73. Divorced from reality.

74. Actually widowed, no jokes alert.

75. Widowed, but only figuratively to depict the depth of my last heartbreak.

76. I have a regular booty call, but I’m waiting for something better.

77. In a vicarious relationship through Sherlock fan-fiction.

78. Thinking about you — you know who you are.

79. Ban men

80. Thirsty

81. It’s so complicated that I’m not even sure I understand it myself anymore.

82. It’s not that complicated, but “single” seemed boring.

83. It’s complicated — that’s Facebook’s code word for “fucked up,” right?

84. He’s just not that into me.

85. I’m just not that into her.

86. I’ve listened to “Nothing Compares 2 U” 32 times today.

87. The person I have a Twitter crush on fav’d one of my tweets, so I think we’re in a relationship now?

89. Naked right now.

90. Pornhub Pro Subscriber

91. Unfit for human contact.

92. Pretty sure this is all pointless and that ultimately we’ll never really know another person.

93. Every living creature dies alone.

94. Contemplating the cavernous gulf between me and every other one of my Facebook friends.

95. Really low score on Lulu and desperately trying to figure out who reviewed me.

96. Drunk in love.

97. 01101001 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101.

98. Do not display — meant to convey mysteriousness and how much IDGAF even though I totally do.

99. Do not display — because the last time my status changed and you all commented on it I wanted to die.

100. Do not display, do not read anything into the lack of display, please stop assuming things about me because of this, Jesus.

101. Have risen to a level of enlightenment in which I no longer care about human relationships at all and all I feel is the warmth of all life on earth. Om.

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