Dear Biddies,
After a long discussion with my friend Emma about how great it is to be single, we have developed the perfect plan to make sure that YOU TOO can stay SINGLE FOREVER!
1. Never shower. The stinkier the better.
2. Text him every single thing that you do. If he doesn't respond, he probably is playing hard to get, so continue to resend the same message until he responds.
3. Make miniature cardboard cut outs of him (your man of interest) and carry him wherever you go. Take lots of pictures when he isn't there, holding the cut out, and send them to him.
4. Have a pet cat, put him on a leash, and bring him everywhere you go.
5. Name your boy a really embarrassing name, like pookie snookums and be sure to call him that as loud as possible in public.
6. When ANYTHING doesn't go your way, throw a tantrum, in public. A proper tantrum includes, but is not limited to, lying on the ground, kicking, screaming, crying, and punching the ground continuously.
7. Be sure to have a center part, and gell down your hair, to make sure it is extra slick.
8. Do not EVER wear make up, form fitting clothes, or anything even slightly flattering. Preferably, a potato sack (if available)
9. Be sure to attend ALL boys nights, and insist on staying, even when the boys become awkward and upset with your presence.
10. Be sure to write him notes every day, leaving them in public places, telling him how great he is.
11. Follow him, everywhere he goes, and sit in on classes that you are not registered for. Sit behind him, and be sure to take notes on his every move.
12. Record every conversation that you have, and make him relive every conversation at the end of each day.
13. Photoshop pictures of you two together, on your wedding day, on your honey moon, with your grandparents, etc.
14. On that note, be sure to morph your faces together to see what your children would look like. Also, name them.
15. Get a tattoo of his face on your body, in a highly visible spot, like your forehead.
16. Drink yourself into oblivion, and tell him how much you love him.
17. Carry a boombox around with you two at all times, & constantly have "your song" playing as background music. (Popular song choices: "Play" by Daivd Banner, "Wind beneath my wings" by Bette Midler, "Wagon Wheel" by DJ
18. Go out to dinner, order multiple servings of the most expensive dish, & make him pay. Also, complaining about the food quality & throwing a temper tantrum would not be frowned upon in this situation (or ever)
19. Say mean things to people, but insist that your boyfriend said it first.
20. Wear a wedding ring, and insist that he proposed to you while he was drunk last weekend.
21. Light your apartment on fire. Call him, telling him he must come save your life. Remain in the apartment regardless of hazardous falling debris or deadly smoke.
22. Do not shave your legs. Or anything. It may be a turn on in France or something, but here, its not. So don't shave.
23. Plan a honeymoon. On the first date.
24. Make him watch at least one Disney film EVERY time that you hang out. ALWAYS CRY when one of the parents dies in the beginning.
25. Tag him in EVERY tweet/status update and be sure to give incredibly intimate details.
26. Sing loudly along to any music you hear. Make sure you don't sing the actual words, but mess them up a little, and just mumble in general.
27. Use quotation fingers every time you speak.
28. After telling a long drawn out story with no purpose or punch line, ask him to repeat it to you to make sure he was listening.
29. "Like" everything that he does on facebook, and be sure to add ; ) and
30. Make him watch every Julia Roberts movie ever, and do not allow any breaks in between films.
31. Always require that he say a prayer, "thanking the lord for your eternal love" before every snack and or meal.
32. Refuse to eat anything that is the color green.
33. Name a star after him. Give him a star map with a heart around his.
34. Write love poems for him every day about all the cute things he does when he is alone. (but you see cause you stalk him)
35. Make a video with him to put in a time capsule, including napkins from the first time you met, locks of his hair, and his toothbrush.
36. Get in as many arguments with him as possible, and never admit to doing anything wrong.
37. If he is in the presence of any other girls, require that he hold your hand at all times, and accuse him of hitting on other girls. Make this as public as possible, and throw a drink in his face, then storm off.
38. Insist that you are not a human, and that you are an alien sent from a distant planet on a mission to procreate with him.
39. Insist that he call you Chewbacca.
40. Never enjoy the same thing twice. If you like hockey one day, be sure to bitch about it when he brings it up.
41. Always point out his flaws. If he makes a mistake, no matter how small, be sure to make fun of him until he can no longer take it and becomes infuriated.
42. Whenever he wants to have a serious conversation, play dead.
Good luck on your journey to becoming the least dateable girl in all the land.
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