If Cocktails Were Hookups

Which one would you regret in the morning?

Jack and Coke

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He’s the 'leather jacket, sinfully tight jeans and white t-shirt' wearing boy that all the girls lose their collective ovaries over. Some are wise enough to stay away from this deadly combo, but he’ll make you happy, then piss you off quickly.

It’s a good ride with this one, but the goodness never lasts. For some reason, he always has stupidly perfect hair.

Gin and Tonic

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He's the super attractive man that your eyes focus on like laser beams on a weak target during laser tag. His hotness is unreal and he's got that baritone voice that makes your soul shake with lust.

Unfortunately, he's about as interesting as watching paint dry and can't hold a conversation to save his life. Pretty faces only take you so far, so you sip your drink and wish that he had a personality to go alongside his delectable shoulder-hip ratio.

AMF

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This is the high-rollin' frat boy that you would never in a million years admit to dating, but will take to your bedroom and have your way with him willy-nilly. The next day is full of post-orgasm regret, but as long as he doesn't talk and let's you steer the ride, then you'll both get out relatively unscathed.

Rum and Coke

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He's the broody, man-pain dude with perfect scruff that'll make your inner thighs tingle with anticipation. He spends most of his time being angsty, but he's a damn good kisser. This one suffers from too many #firstworldproblems for him to ever make a commitment.

Jack and Apple Juice

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This is jackhammer Jack. He’s young, cute, and has something to prove to the world. He’s got some experience under his belt, but not enough to completely know what he’s doing. He’s so earnest that he’s adorable, but he needs to learn to slow down a bit.

Vodka Cranberry

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He's the Prince Charming of cocktails. If made right, he's not too sweet and he won't get you too sick. He's got grade-A flirting game, perfectly trimmed scruff, and wears a white Henley with the sleeves rolled up.

This one is good at a party, at brunch the next day, and is great in bed too.

Margarita

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He's the chameleon man. He can transform himself to match every girl's interests and needs, but when he stops pretending to be things he's not, he's surprisingly salty-sweet and wonderful to be around. This one gets around the party, but he treats every girl like a queen.

Long Island Ice Tea

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This is the douchenozzle that's slept with a ton of women and has zero skills to show for it. He's got charm out the wazoo, but he is what I call a 'minute, but can't win it' man. One and done. You'll always wake up the next morning wondering why you even tried. You might feel awful for a day or two, swear to never sip from that drink again, but somehow you'll find yourself with another one two weeks later. These losers thrive during dry spells, so be wary.

Cosmopolitan

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He's the well-dressed, well-employed dude that is so refined you have to wonder if he's actually gay or not. He'll make you squint and turn your head to the side trying to determine his sexual orientation, but you're never completely sure.

You'll constantly wonder if he's so well put together because his life is actually a shit show behind that Armani suit.

Mai Tai

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This is the crossfit dude. He's got an amazing body, dresses pretty well, and has cute dimples. You are all over that as soon as he gives you the nod. Play your cards well, and your fling may last more than a single night.

Tequila Sunrise

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He's the ever-popular, deceivingly handsome party-goer that encourages you to dance on tables and take your top off. He's the life of the party and can talk basically anyone into doing some crazy shit. You'll end up playing Kings and making out with him in a dark corner somewhere, but it'll never go beyond that.

The worst part about him is that there will always be picture or video evidence of your drunken escapades with too many different sources to prevent them from being posted online.

Mint Julep

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This is the smooth-talking, deceptively shy mofo that'll woo you with a delightful southern accent and have you ready to take him home to meet the folks. He's witty, but not douchey. Attractive, but sweet. You could say that he's quite refreshing to the palette.

Bloody Mary

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This dude gives the best head rubs ever. He's an instant hangover cure, perfect for a Sunday brunch, and always lovely to come home to. Dark, savory, and full of unexpected spices, you'll be hard pressed to get rid of this man. He always knows how to do a girl right.

Whiskey Ginger

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This is the sweet, but really shy dude that has excellent intentions. You probably never noticed him before at the office. He always turns out to be an attentive lover with an ass you can bounce quarters off of.

Tom Collins

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He is the serious hipster in your IT department that you swore you'd never sleep with. When you find yourself panty-droppin' on a Saturday night with the smell of patchouli in the air and eating vegan leftovers at 3AM, don't be too surprised. He sneaks up on you fast, and is quite intoxicating once you're drawn into his grasp.

White Russian

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He's basically a fortress that has no room for emotional vulnerability, but damn does he know how to have great sex. Ice cold, detached, and strategic describe him succinctly. He knows how to get a girl in bed, blow her mind, and then leave her behind with unforgettable memories but nothing beyond that physical connection.

Pina Colada

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He's the well-loved nerd that knows how to have a damn good time, even if it is more chilled out than your standard club scene. He's a gentle lover--sweet, patient, and languorous.

Mojito

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This dude is the poli-sci and pre-med double major that doesn't want to commit to a relationship, but insists on being a great flirt, fun to talk to, and has a promising future. He won't screw you over until you're emotionally invested and then he'll let you down gently because he needs to focus on his career. *eyeroll*

You'll probably see him two days later with a new chick on his arm.

Kamikaze

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He is the straight-up crazy man that all those alcohol pamphlets warned you about. He's sexy, but has serial killer eyes and spends the whole night telling you about conspiracy theories, alien abductions, and more than likely, wants to have weirdly kinky sex with you on the first night.