1. Establish a fitness routine. Make sure that the passengers know you're serious about working out. Put the bike on the hardest level and ride for at least three minutes. Once you've shown that your body sweats, you can proceed to lifting weights. If you make faces and grunt a lot, 8lb weights will suffice. Don't forget to get on that rowing machine and exhale loudly. If you wipe down the machines after using them, you make it seem like you've been doing this forever and know the proper way to handle fitness equipment. Do at least 5 crunches followed by one yoga pose, so everyone knows you're hip to core exercises. Grab some type of giant ball and lay your body over it. It doesn't matter how, everyone's body is different. People will assume you're stretching something. Jumping jacks are pretty old school, so make sure they take place at some point during your gym visit so that people know that you're classically trained. 10 minutes is up! Back to the buffet...
2. Learn how to fake smile. Fat people from New Jersey are going to bump into your on their rascal scooters holding 4 separate plates of burgers, pizza, french fries and soft serve ice cream. Prepare to tell them "it's okay" even if you want to say to them "Hoboken is where people go to die" or "maybe if you ate a salad, your legs would function."
3. Order your liquor "well". Show everyone that even poor people can get drunk.
4. Don't sleep with a Filipino man. These men are all beautiful and almost always look half their actual age. In my experience, they all have multiple wives and kids closer to your age – whether they want to tell you or not. If you sleep with them, you will feel pressured to marry them. They're charming, beautiful and their accents will lure you in - so keep your distance.
5. Take a lot of pictures. Document everything. You will kick yourself in the ass for not being able to remember all the strange men you've made out with and the girls who pretended to be your friend for that one night.
6. If you're doing something private or intimate, play music. The walls in a ship cabin are paper thin. So if you're gossiping, taking a dump or making the mistake of sleeping with that Filipino man from earlier – play music. Distract your neighbors with anything from Evanescence to Eagle Eye Cherry. Let them focus on your interesting taste in music rather than the gas you have from Teppenyaki.
7. Pretend someone is your boyfriend to make friends. The more unaware your choice is of dating you, the better. Choose a ridiculously good looking guy and tell everyone. If he kisses someone else (since he's not actually dating you), everyone will feel sorry for you and show you sympathy. You'll get a ton of phone calls and invites to partake in beach excursions. Act hurt.
8. Decorate your room with outdated, terrible pictures of yourself. Everyone will immediately tell your "how good you look now," and they'll understand your need to dress in a mini skirt, crop top and heels regardless of how they look with your body type.
9. Remind yourself of #4. This will be the most difficult rule to follow. Their skin is so soft.
10. Drink a lot of water. Stay hydrated. It's important.
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